26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
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Anonymous
Of course I do. During the holidays I tell my children not to engage with the racist uncle, the ungrateful stepmom, uncle Joe’s new crazy girlfriend, Etc. Our motto during the holidays is “nod and wave, boys, nod and wave”. Why would I teach them to engage with a rude and boorish interloper. |
Anonymous
Well I agree with this but at least the seed has been planted and now maybe the husband will say something else to him (NOT APOLOGIZING) about showing up like an adult next time. |
Anonymous
| I agree that it’s materialistic and bad for the environment (and sweat shop workers) to buy gifts for people who don’t really need or want for anything. However, gift giving isn’t just about buying stuff. It can be about spending time together—the son could offer to go golfing with his dad and grandpa or to take them out to dinner or even make dinner etc. Christmas is a time when we express gratitude to the people in our lives and it is traditionally done through some type of gift giving. If you’re unwilling to give anything at all, not even a card with a nice note in it, then you shouldn’t be so eager to receive. Just say you’d rather not exchange gifts. At the bear minimum acknowledge the one way flow of gifts and ask for a way to pay it forward. Something—anything is better than straight up nothing. |
Anonymous
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Christmas became much more enjoyable when we stopped most of the gift exchanging. We still buy something for our sons, but have made it clear we want nothing in return. I always buy something for my mother, but practical items, like this year's diabetic socks. Even that small gesture made her feel badly because she had nothing in return for me. I NEVER want gifts to cause anyone anything but happiness.
Our sons have gifted us generously in the past when we made opening presents around the tree an event. No more. They are relieved, we are pleased they still come to see us. Gifts should be given because the giver wants the recipient to have something that brings them joy or makes their life easier. Anything else is just reacting to advertising pressure. |
Anonymous
Agree. And go easy on the girlfriend. It’s an awkward line to toe - he should be taking the lead for gifts for his family, as she should for hers. |
Anonymous
| I didn't really read it a OP trying to give grandmom an ultimatum on how to give gifts. Seem OP just wanted to know if she was misreading things or overreacting. As such, she had a conversation to let grandmom know how she felt and to judge grandmom's feelings. And it seems that grandmom does agree with OP that step-son is a selfish taker. Now, the shrug at the end says grandmom is probably not going to change anything even after her admission, but that doesn't mean that dad and step-mom can't. |
Anonymous
| He still conveniently thinks of himself as a kid. Stop treating him like one. |
Anonymous
Adults do not scold other adults about gift-giving; do you get it? Scolding him is treating him like a child. But what he should act like an adult? |
Anonymous
Well he has demonstrated that he acts like a child so... |
Anonymous
In other words, neither grandmother nor the father give a damn but they won't want conflict with OP so they give vague, non-committal answers to appease her. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like he just thinks he’s a kid still. I’d be pissed off too. My DHs brother is 37 and single and still behaves this way. He was told a few years ago he needs to buy people gifts. My own brother is 36 and has done this many times.
I can’t stand people who sit there and take gifts and do nothing. I will say that I think Xmas and gifts on holidays in general has gotten ridiculous. Sometimes people forget that others have less money than they do. My husband goes overboard with gifts and I hate my in laws now. They give our kids cheap crap while my DH stupidly buys them nice stuff spending more. They make more than us as well. I don’t even go over to their house anymore when the gift exchange with our kids happens because it makes my blood boil. |
Anonymous
Not really he showed a lot of maturity and not engaging with dad’s rude girlfriend |
Anonymous
Lol not. Married 23 years. |
Anonymous
She’s not his mom. She has no say in how he’s treated |
Anonymous
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OP if it's any comfort to you, my step son is 27 and also never - NEVER - gives anyone any gifts. But he expects money as a gift every single year. And gift cards to Starbucks or some place like that. Notice the "and." And like your step son, my step son is here in person.
When he has a girlfriend, we get gifts - whoever the girlfriend is clearly picks these out, wraps them, everything. Heck, she probably buys them too. It's tricky because he is my husband's only child, and of course my husband wants to give him something. I have four adult kids myself. They get CONSIDERABLY less from me than my stepson gets from his dad - and it's always been that way, so we make sure they are never given gifts at the same time. That part's easy, thank goodness, since they are all ADULTS and are all scattered across the globe. I don't think you're being petty to be irritated. I mean, I have one adult son who never sends a card, never sends a gift, nothing - and I send him a little something or other every year - but in his defense he IS in Guam. If he's not overseas (has been most years), and he's here in person, he does give gifts but I never expect anything in the mail from him. And he does call - several times a week in fact. If I stop to think about it, it bugs me a bit that he doesn't even send a Christmas card, but he DOES call every Christmas - it's not like he forgets about it. And like I said, I send a smallish amount to him anyway. I don't feel used for money and I think that's the difference. My step son tends to show up when he wants something from his dad. He is a TERRIBLE communicator and it always drives my husband crazy. We actually discussed this after Christmas this year. I said, "Now you know I don't care anything about getting another candle or bath bombs or whatever - but did you notice that we have five adult kids and two of them didn't exchange gifts with us? I mean, they TOOK gifts but they didn't GIVE gifts." He said, "Yep, I sure did notice that." See, to me, this is a matter of failure to accept adulthood. It's not a matter of GIFTS per se. It's a matter of being stuck in a self centered, childlike state and communication style. That becomes irritating after about age 25. What my stepson doesn't realize is just how irritated his father is becoming. Without going into detail, I'll just say that the gifts he gives his son - on any occasion - are about TEN TIMES the amount I give any of my adult kids. I don't say anything about the difference, because I get that this is his only son and his "only shot at fatherhood." But what DOES bother me is that this adult kid is a taker, not a giver. He seems ungrateful to his father, and that is what really irritates me. This year - as usual - I made him dressing like his grandmother used to make (which is a real chore), and Christmas cookies (I also gave those to an adult child of mine who we were seeing at Christmas). I didn't write the check or buy any gift cards - his dad did that. Next year - I just don't see myself going out of my way to do anything for him. I really, really don't appreciate the way he shows no regard for his dad and I'm getting pretty sick of the way he interacts with me for that matter. I mean, I'll be pleasant (he's never blatantly disrespectful - in fact, he's a bit of an Eddie Haskel) but I'm probably not going to cook anything for him and I AM going to question his father if he decides to give generously to him - again. Meanwhile, this year I was honest with his father but not hostile about it. This is his son, his relationship, and really his problem moreso than mine. We're not going broke over this. He knows how I feel about enabling, and about this situation, and I do know he's miffed about it too. And he knows I've got his son's ticket, and his frankly. He knows how I feel about it. That's enough for me. OP, I do not personally think you were out of line to ask him - PRIVATELY - "where are the presents?" but I do not think you should have said anything to his grandmother, or to anyone else other than your husband for that matter. And honestly, the question directed at your stepson about the presents would have been a lot better coming from your husband. I expect my husband to say something to his son before next year. I mean it. I believe he will. |