What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That we really, really do not yet live in a society with gender equality. Workplace policies and cultural expectations both push women to be the default parent. You can maintain the illusion of gender equality until you have kids. Then you realize we’re still basically in the 1950s. (How many men know the names of their kids‘ doctors and dentists and teachers and classmates? Some. But not most. How many women? All of us).

The inequality is very depressing.

Hahahaha....this is very funny to me. I actually take my kids to about 75% of their appointments. My wife is working at home today (walking distance to school) with the intent that she would get the kids and take them to the dentist. Then she realized that she was scheduled to host a teleconference that would overlap with the appointment. So, now I will be driving to the school about an hour early so I can sit in the car and dial in to the telecon that I only have to listen to (and not host) so that I can leave 2/3 of the way through, pick up the kids and take them to the dentist.

I also know several other dads who do a lot of what you claim are still "women's responsibilities". I work for a government agency and I know a lot of dads are here making less money specifically because it gives them a lot more flexibility to handle things like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That we really, really do not yet live in a society with gender equality. Workplace policies and cultural expectations both push women to be the default parent. You can maintain the illusion of gender equality until you have kids. Then you realize we’re still basically in the 1950s. (How many men know the names of their kids‘ doctors and dentists and teachers and classmates? Some. But not most. How many women? All of us).

The inequality is very depressing.

I'm not saying that everybody can do this but both my H and I took a hit at income to be flexible and we both did everything.

When my H would take off for a sick kid his boss would say, "what is wrong with your wife"... he would say "nothing, I unlike you like my kids and want to be there for them" or many variations of the same type of comment.

Actually, my doctor once said to me..."oh there is a mom" ... I said, "that is very rude, I married a competent H and you are shaming me for it?" He did apologize and was very sorry and said, he has to get use to the new way us young kids do things.

LOL. You'd think drs. would be used to kids brought in by all kind of randoms like nannies etc. Didnt think that dad woudl be sooo shocking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That we really, really do not yet live in a society with gender equality. Workplace policies and cultural expectations both push women to be the default parent. You can maintain the illusion of gender equality until you have kids. Then you realize we’re still basically in the 1950s. (How many men know the names of their kids‘ doctors and dentists and teachers and classmates? Some. But not most. How many women? All of us).

The inequality is very depressing.

Hahahaha....this is very funny to me. I actually take my kids to about 75% of their appointments. My wife is working at home today (walking distance to school) with the intent that she would get the kids and take them to the dentist. Then she realized that she was scheduled to host a teleconference that would overlap with the appointment. So, now I will be driving to the school about an hour early so I can sit in the car and dial in to the telecon that I only have to listen to (and not host) so that I can leave 2/3 of the way through, pick up the kids and take them to the dentist.

I also know several other dads who do a lot of what you claim are still "women's responsibilities". I work for a government agency and I know a lot of dads are here making less money specifically because it gives them a lot more flexibility to handle things like this.

Good for you! We need more men like you. But statistically, you remain the exception.

[Anonymous]

I didn't release how important it is to step back and let my children have control over something. I was the helicopter video running during everything mom. Then I watched my children sort of withdrawal from the fun. Once I put down the phone and let them be at the playground, at ice skating, etc they seemed alot happier. I am accepting that I may have a few moments undocumented but both of us living in real time is what makes the memories special in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How little parenting goes on... they are a sleep and then they are asleep then they sleep. They sleep 1/2 the waking hours and most of the night.

Then when they are toddlers... they eat, play a little then sleep, then eat, play a little then sleep.

Once they are old enough to not be sleeping alllllll theeee timmmme, they are in school.

huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That we really, really do not yet live in a society with gender equality. Workplace policies and cultural expectations both push women to be the default parent. You can maintain the illusion of gender equality until you have kids. Then you realize we’re still basically in the 1950s. (How many men know the names of their kids‘ doctors and dentists and teachers and classmates? Some. But not most. How many women? All of us).

The inequality is very depressing.

I had a very similar experience. It’s hard to even blame it all in my husband. The expectation at his workplace was really that I would handle everything related to the kids, and he would help when he could.
I don’t think anybody really saw it this way, but it started at the very beginning. We were both residents at the same hospital. I got 12 weeks off for maternity leave. He got to work in OB while I was in the hospital, then took a vacation (scheduled in July of the previous year) a few weeks later.

I do feel like things are changing though. Our residents now get a 2 week paternity leave that starts the day the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That we really, really do not yet live in a society with gender equality. Workplace policies and cultural expectations both push women to be the default parent. You can maintain the illusion of gender equality until you have kids. Then you realize we’re still basically in the 1950s. (How many men know the names of their kids‘ doctors and dentists and teachers and classmates? Some. But not most. How many women? All of us).

The inequality is very depressing.

Hahahaha....this is very funny to me. I actually take my kids to about 75% of their appointments. My wife is working at home today (walking distance to school) with the intent that she would get the kids and take them to the dentist. Then she realized that she was scheduled to host a teleconference that would overlap with the appointment. So, now I will be driving to the school about an hour early so I can sit in the car and dial in to the telecon that I only have to listen to (and not host) so that I can leave 2/3 of the way through, pick up the kids and take them to the dentist.

I also know several other dads who do a lot of what you claim are still "women's responsibilities". I work for a government agency and I know a lot of dads are here making less money specifically because it gives them a lot more flexibility to handle things like this.

Good for you! We need more men like you. But statistically, you remain the exception.

I understand that we are the minority, but we are a minority that seems to be growing rather exponentially. I've been a parent for 8 years now and I have to say that this is far more common than even when my kids were born.

[Anonymous]

Super minor, but I never realized how much of a pain it is to get kids in and out of car seats and to travel with them by plane. No, you can’t actually magically buckle them in within 5 seconds and you can’t just make them stop crying or screaming.

[Anonymous]

I was one of those people who got embarrassed about everything and did not want to call attention to myself. Now you can find me crouched in a public toilet stall reciting Little Blue Truck so my 2 year old can relax enough to poop.

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in to say my husband is awesome. Also getting kids in and out of cars seats is hard!

I’m surprised how many people seem shocked my son is a good traveler. The default expectation is kids will meltdown and misbehave and be annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those people who got embarrassed about everything and did not want to call attention to myself. Now you can find me crouched in a public toilet stall reciting Little Blue Truck so my 2 year old can relax enough to poop.

Thanks for the laugh today pp. I needed it! This is very relatable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t realize how much I would love my kids or how much other people love their kids. Now I realise, wow, my parents loved me THIS much? It’s made me much more empathetic towards other parents in general. Like everyone’s just out here doing their best.

Yes, I think about this all the time. Now I look at every person as someone who has either given or received that kind of love, or longed for it. It's very humanizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to say my husband is awesome. Also getting kids in and out of cars seats is hard!

I’m surprised how many people seem shocked my son is a good traveler. The default expectation is kids will meltdown and misbehave and be annoying.

No one is shocked your son is a good traveler pp. people are responding to you making an empathic statement for other parents about you. you are either trolling or this is still all going totally over your head because I saw your other comment as well. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That we really, really do not yet live in a society with gender equality. Workplace policies and cultural expectations both push women to be the default parent. You can maintain the illusion of gender equality until you have kids. Then you realize we’re still basically in the 1950s. (How many men know the names of their kids‘ doctors and dentists and teachers and classmates? Some. But not most. How many women? All of us).

The inequality is very depressing.

Hahahaha....this is very funny to me. I actually take my kids to about 75% of their appointments. My wife is working at home today (walking distance to school) with the intent that she would get the kids and take them to the dentist. Then she realized that she was scheduled to host a teleconference that would overlap with the appointment. So, now I will be driving to the school about an hour early so I can sit in the car and dial in to the telecon that I only have to listen to (and not host) so that I can leave 2/3 of the way through, pick up the kids and take them to the dentist.

I also know several other dads who do a lot of what you claim are still "women's responsibilities". I work for a government agency and I know a lot of dads are here making less money specifically because it gives them a lot more flexibility to handle things like this.

Good for you! We need more men like you. But statistically, you remain the exception.

I understand that we are the minority, but we are a minority that seems to be growing rather exponentially. I've been a parent for 8 years now and I have to say that this is far more common than even when my kids were born.

+1. Are you my husband? He takes our 8yo to dentist, doctor, etc. He's doing Back to School Night too, since I'll be getting home from work late. I would not have had a kid with him if I didn't think he was going to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many decisions there are to be made while parenting and how hard it is. Am I being too hard on her? Am I not being hard enough? Do I push on this or let it go? And you second guess yourself all the time.

When I was growing up, I thought my parents just made up a bunch of rules or decided based on their whims at the moment, but they probably put a lot of thought into things and there were a lot of things they thought about that I wasn't privy to.

+1000

Maybe they put a lot of thought into it or maybe they didn’t! When I had kids, I felt like I had to read a bunch of infant and parenting books and had no idea how to change a diaper or what solid foods to give. My mom and those in her generation were like, uh just do it. They also spanked and screamed and I’m sure never read a single book about any parenting topic. I’m not sure which method is better tbh.

When my in laws visited the baby, all the 60-80 year olds were telling me about how they used to rub whisky on the kids’ gums, throw crackers into the cribs, and put the kids down with blankets and pillows. Some of them said I probably shouldn’t do that in this day and age, but you could tell that they thought our generation and methods of parenting were too cautious. MIL thinks Back is Best sleep is ridiculous.