Looking for recs on mainstream privates that are inclusive

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The fact you’re not getting specific names speaks Columbus, right? It’s a unicorn. I’m not trying to be mean but these are the kids that Maddox, Newton, Ieps and social
Skills classes were made for. You sound nice but you’re just not the first one to face this exact predicament. And we already told you the best options.

+1000 OP is chasing a unicorn. I am the pp with the 11 with ASD/ADHD and the number 1 reason DS is going to a SN school for middle school is at the recommendation of his neuropsych, Dr. David Black. OP, what schools does your educational consultant and neuropsych recommend? I am sure you are paying them a lot of $$$$$, you should listen to them.

The good news is that once your child is older, you can always apply to mainstream privates if that is your goal. By then there will have a much clearer picture of your child's abilities and what kind of supports are needed.

We are early in the testing/consulting process, so no recs yet. But we are in mainstream preK now based on prior nneuropsychologist recommendation, which isn’t K, I know, but.... Also, for what it’s worth, we were told by KKI that kiddo has good chance of becoming subclincal at some point. We know this happened with two of his cousins by age 9. They went public (different state) and were denied IEP. So, all of this is running in the back of my mind as we move this process.

OP, you have one foot in hopeful denial land and one foot in reality and that is why it is so hard to advise you. I have no idea what to tell you other than my kid is in mainstream private and they are not trucking with a kid who needs help. They are not equipped to do so. You need to do some self introspection on this process. That is what I see. WTF cares where your child ends up you meet them where they are. That is literally what we are all doing. Get there.

My kid with ASD/ADHD made it on the spectrum by one point on the ADOS when he was 4. I guess you can say he "barely" made it on the spectrum and most people who knew him at that age (and even now at 11) did not think he has any diagnosis at all - I get this reaction all the time including this past weekend - but it is one thing to present as NT outside school and another to be happy and thriving at school.

Everyone in our family attended private schools like the Big 3 but in an even bigger city from k-12 and beyond. According to our neuropsych, DS can manage the academics just fine anywhere. However, I want him to be happy and like school, have friends, etc.

Just because your child with ASD can manage a mainstream private school does not mean he should be sent there. If your child has ASD, they will qualify for an IEP. Yes, even super bright one.

Excellent advice. My DS (still no diagnosis yet, IEP is under developmental delay) could probably have coped without his IEP or in a private had we gotten in at 3-4 when his social differences were less apparent. But, he's doing SO much better with the IEP supports that helped him transition to the demands of kindergarten and learn the basic skills he's now building on. Plus, I honestly believe the public schools are more demanding and rigorous than most privates in early elementary, and that this is really good for kids with learning differences if they are properly supported, because they get a lot of practice that they need and focus on the basics. Whereas at a tony private, I can imagine that the attitude is more "oh, no need to push reading and writing; our bright children will pick it up out of the air because their parents are smart and read to them a lot."

I am the poster with the 11 yr old and the main issue I have with mainstream privates especially at a young age is that without the proper supports, it is likely that a child with ASD will develop anxiety... and as a diagnosis, anxiety can cause a lot more issues than "just" ASD. Just because a child with ASD does not have behavioral issues at 4 does not mean it will stay that way all through school especially if they are at a school with little/no supports or understanding for ASD.

That said, I know it is very possible for a child with ASD to be successful at a mainstream private. My FIL who would have qualified for an Asperger's diagnosis attended a top tier private school from K-12 in NYC and an Ivy as did my DH and his brother - all spectrumish if not clinically diagnosable. When I told my MIL that we were sending DS to a SN middle school, her initial response was "why?" until I told her that the school will teach DS to be "less rigid" - after which she supports us wholeheartedly. Yeah, MIL understands after being married to FIL for 60+ yrs.

Currently, I know kids with ASD at many top tier NYC private schools but they either started at those schools prior to getting diagnosed with ASD or they applied and got in at a older grade when there was a clear indication of what supports were needed or not for them to succeed.

If you are set on sending your DS to a mainstream school, public or private, be on the lookout for a potential anxiety diagnoses in the future if the school cannot provide adequate supports.

We are not talking about Big 3, Big 5, and all the well regarded "pressure cookers." But, you do have a very good point about the anxiety, and that is one of the main reasons we lean a little more toward the SN privates. But the right mainstream with outside supports, including possibly CBT, might suffice, especially if it keeps kiddo out of the car for 1 - 2 hours per day. Not an easy decision, but we REALLY appreciate all the input, especially the names of specific schools to avoid or approach.

I used the "well regarded "pressure cookers"" as an example. At the early elementary level, well regarded is just well regarded and not pressure cookers.

Generally, for things like social skills - it's best to have them at school and practice with peers - that way there is no transfer issue. Many kids do fine in outside social skills classes but are unable to put them into practice with peers at school where it's needed.

Another good thing about public w/IEP and SN schools is that you will not have to drive all over town doing therapies. So even if the SN schools are far away, you'll be getting all the therapies in-house.

For DS11, when he was in public w/IEP - we never drove around or paid for private therapies. Now that DS is at a private SN school, we don't drive for therapies. We drive around all over the place for his extracurriculars and for birthday parties, etc.

Our public school therapies did more harm than good and were worthless. Don't count on good services or ones catered to your particular child in public. I think people push public and SN schools as they don't want to take the time to take their kid to therapies or pay for them. We gladly did it on top of a lot of extracurriculars.

We had excellent services through the IEP at our public charter and private therapies weren't necessary. We travel 2-3 weekends a month all over the country and internationally for DS's chess all year round and he has extracurriculars after school every day in addition to homework.

No time for private therapies in elementary or now in middle school - not enough time in the day as is. I admit we are sending DS to a SN school for middle school for the integrated social curriculum and small class size which our public middle school is not able to provide even w/IEP - worth the drive for us, takes about an hour one way.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well, all of the schools people have mentioned are equally far, right op? I don’t really feel like any actual names have bee given. For acds and burgundy farms, they told me if the kids can’t take himself to a different classroom easily after a session, it wouldn’t work. They also don’t let outside therapists in. And they also kick kids out who are too much.

The reason you’re getting pushback op is because you’re throwing off a serious special snowflake mentality and ugh I hate that term. Your kid has issues, nobody cares if he is acamdemxialt okay, so are most of our children, and kindergarten is actually all about regulation and social skills. If those are issues for him, don’t send him to a private with teachers without sped credentials and expect it to go well. The end.

OP, most don't want to send their kid to a regular private as it means doing outside therapies, etc. and they don't want to put the time or effort into it. Its easier to dump your kid in public and let the school deal with it. For some kids, it works great, but I know for ours, its not. Do what you think is best. Call around and inquire and visit. See if you can do a 1/2 day there to see if your child likes it. It can work. It worked for us.

I did not "dump" my child in a public school. I bought a house zoned for a good public school, then I fought to get him a strong IEP, and I follow up on it to make sure it's implemented. And you haven't even named where this snowflake mainstream private school is yet where all of us can just magically send our SN kids?

+1 What school is this?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well, all of the schools people have mentioned are equally far, right op? I don’t really feel like any actual names have bee given. For acds and burgundy farms, they told me if the kids can’t take himself to a different classroom easily after a session, it wouldn’t work. They also don’t let outside therapists in. And they also kick kids out who are too much.

The reason you’re getting pushback op is because you’re throwing off a serious special snowflake mentality and ugh I hate that term. Your kid has issues, nobody cares if he is acamdemxialt okay, so are most of our children, and kindergarten is actually all about regulation and social skills. If those are issues for him, don’t send him to a private with teachers without sped credentials and expect it to go well. The end.

OP, most don't want to send their kid to a regular private as it means doing outside therapies, etc. and they don't want to put the time or effort into it. Its easier to dump your kid in public and let the school deal with it. For some kids, it works great, but I know for ours, its not. Do what you think is best. Call around and inquire and visit. See if you can do a 1/2 day there to see if your child likes it. It can work. It worked for us.

I did not "dump" my child in a public school. I bought a house zoned for a good public school, then I fought to get him a strong IEP, and I follow up on it to make sure it's implemented. And you haven't even named where this snowflake mainstream private school is yet where all of us can just magically send our SN kids?

And I, the poster you are responding to, send my child to a SN private.

[Anonymous]

Another good thing about public w/IEP and SN schools is that you will not have to drive all over town doing therapies. So even if the SN schools are far away, you'll be getting all the therapies in-house.

For DS11, when he was in public w/IEP - we never drove around or paid for private therapies. Now that DS is at a private SN school, we don't drive for therapies. We drive around all over the place for his extracurriculars and for birthday parties, etc.

Our public school therapies did more harm than good and were worthless. Don't count on good services or ones catered to your particular child in public. I think people push public and SN schools as they don't want to take the time to take their kid to therapies or pay for them. We gladly did it on top of a lot of extracurriculars.

We had excellent services through the IEP at our public charter and private therapies weren't necessary. We travel 2-3 weekends a month all over the country and internationally for DS's chess all year round and he has extracurriculars after school every day in addition to homework.

No time for private therapies in elementary or now in middle school - not enough time in the day as is. I admit we are sending DS to a SN school for middle school for the integrated social curriculum and small class size which our public middle school is not able to provide even w/IEP - worth the drive for us, takes about an hour one way.

So, Chess is more important than therapies and you cannot possibly fit in some private therapy, or you don't want to? If you child is struggling where next year they need a SN school, you should do private therapies to support him. If you can afford to travel all over the country for chess, you can afford therapies. Or, at least find someone to come to the house. For us, school and therapies would come before activities. We do multiple activities, some multiple times a week. We managed all that and private therapies when we needed to.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well, all of the schools people have mentioned are equally far, right op? I don’t really feel like any actual names have bee given. For acds and burgundy farms, they told me if the kids can’t take himself to a different classroom easily after a session, it wouldn’t work. They also don’t let outside therapists in. And they also kick kids out who are too much.

The reason you’re getting pushback op is because you’re throwing off a serious special snowflake mentality and ugh I hate that term. Your kid has issues, nobody cares if he is acamdemxialt okay, so are most of our children, and kindergarten is actually all about regulation and social skills. If those are issues for him, don’t send him to a private with teachers without sped credentials and expect it to go well. The end.

OP, most don't want to send their kid to a regular private as it means doing outside therapies, etc. and they don't want to put the time or effort into it. Its easier to dump your kid in public and let the school deal with it. For some kids, it works great, but I know for ours, its not. Do what you think is best. Call around and inquire and visit. See if you can do a 1/2 day there to see if your child likes it. It can work. It worked for us.

I did not "dump" my child in a public school. I bought a house zoned for a good public school, then I fought to get him a strong IEP, and I follow up on it to make sure it's implemented. And you haven't even named where this snowflake mainstream private school is yet where all of us can just magically send our SN kids?

And I, the poster you are responding to, send my child to a SN private.

That was not from OP

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well, all of the schools people have mentioned are equally far, right op? I don’t really feel like any actual names have bee given. For acds and burgundy farms, they told me if the kids can’t take himself to a different classroom easily after a session, it wouldn’t work. They also don’t let outside therapists in. And they also kick kids out who are too much.

The reason you’re getting pushback op is because you’re throwing off a serious special snowflake mentality and ugh I hate that term. Your kid has issues, nobody cares if he is acamdemxialt okay, so are most of our children, and kindergarten is actually all about regulation and social skills. If those are issues for him, don’t send him to a private with teachers without sped credentials and expect it to go well. The end.

OP, most don't want to send their kid to a regular private as it means doing outside therapies, etc. and they don't want to put the time or effort into it. Its easier to dump your kid in public and let the school deal with it. For some kids, it works great, but I know for ours, its not. Do what you think is best. Call around and inquire and visit. See if you can do a 1/2 day there to see if your child likes it. It can work. It worked for us.

Wow. Really, PP? Fortunately, your post is an anomaly on this forum which is generally a supportive place. I wonder at your ability to see into the hearts of other parents and conclude they just don’t give a damn. Or at least that you care more for your child than they do.

[Anonymous]

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I used the "well regarded "pressure cookers"" as an example. At the early elementary level, well regarded is just well regarded and not pressure cookers.

Generally, for things like social skills - it's best to have them at school and practice with peers - that way there is no transfer issue. Many kids do fine in outside social skills classes but are unable to put them into practice with peers at school where it's needed.





OP here. Good point. Hadn't thought of that. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

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Excellent advice. My DS (still no diagnosis yet, IEP is under developmental delay) could probably have coped without his IEP or in a private had we gotten in at 3-4 when his social differences were less apparent. But, he's doing SO much better with the IEP supports that helped him transition to the demands of kindergarten and learn the basic skills he's now building on. Plus, I honestly believe the public schools are more demanding and rigorous than most privates in early elementary, and that this is really good for kids with learning differences if they are properly supported, because they get a lot of practice that they need and focus on the basics. Whereas at a tony private, I can imagine that the attitude is more "oh, no need to push reading and writing; our bright children will pick it up out of the air because their parents are smart and read to them a lot."

That's awesome, PP.

We're in the other camp though, preferring privates -- SN or mainstream - that have a heavy SEL component, at least early on, rather than rigorous academics. My sense is the publics are beginning to focus on SEL, but it's still a bit spotty and always subject to getting less attention since it's not a "topic" on the standardized tests. Others agree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, all of the schools people have mentioned are equally far, right op? I don’t really feel like any actual names have bee given. For acds and burgundy farms, they told me if the kids can’t take himself to a different classroom easily after a session, it wouldn’t work. They also don’t let outside therapists in. And they also kick kids out who are too much.

The reason you’re getting pushback op is because you’re throwing off a serious special snowflake mentality and ugh I hate that term. Your kid has issues, nobody cares if he is acamdemxialt okay, so are most of our children, and kindergarten is actually all about regulation and social skills. If those are issues for him, don’t send him to a private with teachers without sped credentials and expect it to go well. The end.

OP here. Not sure the basis for "snowflake" comment. I've been forthcoming, balanced, and responsive. I have no illusions. I'm simply wanting to get a clear understanding of the options. Yes, I don't think public will work for the reasons I've stated. I'm down to private SN and private mainstream. The fact that I'm soliciting input on mainstream shouldn't indicated anything more than that I'm trying to be diligent, and willing to weather the criticism of be "naive" etc. But if "snowflake" makes you feel better, then that's that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote: I think you REALLY need to understand that the kids in mainstream privates in this area are also all very bright AND don't have ASD. Is it fair to force your kid into that situation - only you know the answer to that.

You don't know her child and that's unfair to decide he will not be successful just because other kids aren't. A mainstream privates was exactly what my child needed. I cannot imagine what would have happened with public given our experience with public. There are decent schools with very decent people who are willing to give our kids a chance and help them be successful if they are able.

Curious, what kind of supports did your child need in K? My child is very mildly affected, but this is what he got at his public school with an IEP: K class with 21 kids and 1 classroom aide (very experienced aide finishing her degree); 10 hours of push-in support from the special ed teacher; weekly OT; weekly social worker. When the push-in special ed teacher wasn't there, the classroom aide would act as a de-facto push-in aide and make sure my child got situated and participated in specials etc. The other 2 kids I know with HFA have even more supports - one has a 1:1 aide all day plus everything else; the other is in a excellent autism inclusion classroom. I have a hard time believing that any mainstream private could come close to this.

Prek-2nd we had 8 kids in a class and often had an assistant. 21 kids would have been a disaster early on. In public we got 2 30 minutes of group speech and that was about it. That is not mildly impacted if you got that level of services and your child needs that level of support. Now, a few years later, he just needs a teacher to check in every once in a while but rarely needs any extra support (nor would he get it at his public so if he needs it we will have to go back to private), grade and test scores are all very good. Needs no assistance in specials or outside activities.

So your child has autism, and all they needed to be successful was a small class size? Does he get any other therapies?

Also, if your child is actually autistic, then yes, they do need services and support. If they don't actually need professional supports in the classroom, then why bother disclosing the diagnosis? But I don't think that's OP's situation, since she knows the diagnosis would be obvious. But I'm not really sure what OP is looking for in a mainstream private -- that she would pay for the extra supports in the classroom, that the private teachers would not need any professional training in SNs, or that she could do all private therapies out of school and that would be enough?

Its very individual to the child. We had outside therapies and the teacher would regularly communicate but because of how the school set up was, they took the time to help and it was exactly what my child needed. The special educator and all that training we found was completely unhelpful once we went to public. I'd take someone willing over someone unwilling and SN trained any day. Most privates don't allow extra supports in the classroom and with a willing teacher and outside therapies, it can work.

Remember ASD is a huge spectrum. Kids who were PDD-NOS are now diagnosed with ASD as there is social communication disorder but its not equal in standing nor does it get services paid for. So, someone saying their child is mildly impacted may mean something very different. The other poster listing everything they got in public is very different than what mine got. Our public will not work with all. My child needed a lot of support and services, but now older he's fine without any of it. He could benefit from support at school in one academic area but the school refuses to help with that so we gave up fighting as it was a losing battle.

We fully disclosed what was going on. A lot of schools weren't willing but I'm grateful now as we landed at the right school for our child. We also had a some say they'd take him but it was clearly for the money.

The only issue we had with the private was them knowing when to back off and let him do it on his own. And, that's not a bad issue to have.

I wish they had their old staff still or it might be a good fit for OP.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really don’t think your public is an option I would cast a wide net. My son was rejected at a lot of schools that had been encouraging up to that point. And the SN privates can be choosy too.

OP here. Good points. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I am the poster with the 11 yr old and the main issue I have with mainstream privates especially at a young age is that without the proper supports, it is likely that a child with ASD will develop anxiety... and as a diagnosis, anxiety can cause a lot more issues than "just" ASD. Just because a child with ASD does not have behavioral issues at 4 does not mean it will stay that way all through school especially if they are at a school with little/no supports or understanding for ASD.

That said, I know it is very possible for a child with ASD to be successful at a mainstream private. My FIL who would have qualified for an Asperger's diagnosis attended a top tier private school from K-12 in NYC and an Ivy as did my DH and his brother - all spectrumish if not clinically diagnosable. When I told my MIL that we were sending DS to a SN middle school, her initial response was "why?" until I told her that the school will teach DS to be "less rigid" - after which she supports us wholeheartedly. Yeah, MIL understands after being married to FIL for 60+ yrs.

Currently, I know kids with ASD at many top tier NYC private schools but they either started at those schools prior to getting diagnosed with ASD or they applied and got in at a older grade when there was a clear indication of what supports were needed or not for them to succeed.

If you are set on sending your DS to a mainstream school, public or private, be on the lookout for a potential anxiety diagnoses in the future if the school cannot provide adequate supports.






Sage advice. The potential for anxiety concerns me more than the ASD "symptoms" DS has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, all of the schools people have mentioned are equally far, right op? I don’t really feel like any actual names have bee given. For acds and burgundy farms, they told me if the kids can’t take himself to a different classroom easily after a session, it wouldn’t work. They also don’t let outside therapists in. And they also kick kids out who are too much.

The reason you’re getting pushback op is because you’re throwing off a serious special snowflake mentality and ugh I hate that term. Your kid has issues, nobody cares if he is acamdemxialt okay, so are most of our children, and kindergarten is actually all about regulation and social skills. If those are issues for him, don’t send him to a private with teachers without sped credentials and expect it to go well. The end.

OP here. Not sure the basis for "snowflake" comment. I've been forthcoming, balanced, and responsive. I have no illusions. I'm simply wanting to get a clear understanding of the options. Yes, I don't think public will work for the reasons I've stated. I'm down to private SN and private mainstream. The fact that I'm soliciting input on mainstream shouldn't indicated anything more than that I'm trying to be diligent, and willing to weather the criticism of be "naive" etc. But if "snowflake" makes you feel better, then that's that.

I think you're being unrealistic and possibly irrational due to fear or lack of understanding of public schools. While not ideal, public schools have a lot to recommend them -- mainstreaming being one benefit. Not sure why you wouldn't even explore the option.

[Anonymous]

So here's the list we've put together - I think. It's impressive. Thank you so much! I'll keep this thread active/open for a while longer to see what else we learn. Feel free to add/subtract, comment.

SN
Maddux
Auburn
Newton
C/A once in third grade, assuming ADD or other executive function challenges are in play, too

Mainstream
Field beginning in sixth grade
Green Acres, possibly, but avoid if there are "behaviors"
Lowell, possibly, but avoid if there are "behaviors"
ACDS, possibly
Mclean, possibly
Harbor, possibly
Flint Hill, possibly
Chesterbrook, if they have older grades

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, all of the schools people have mentioned are equally far, right op? I don’t really feel like any actual names have bee given. For acds and burgundy farms, they told me if the kids can’t take himself to a different classroom easily after a session, it wouldn’t work. They also don’t let outside therapists in. And they also kick kids out who are too much.

The reason you’re getting pushback op is because you’re throwing off a serious special snowflake mentality and ugh I hate that term. Your kid has issues, nobody cares if he is acamdemxialt okay, so are most of our children, and kindergarten is actually all about regulation and social skills. If those are issues for him, don’t send him to a private with teachers without sped credentials and expect it to go well. The end.

OP here. Not sure the basis for "snowflake" comment. I've been forthcoming, balanced, and responsive. I have no illusions. I'm simply wanting to get a clear understanding of the options. Yes, I don't think public will work for the reasons I've stated. I'm down to private SN and private mainstream. The fact that I'm soliciting input on mainstream shouldn't indicated anything more than that I'm trying to be diligent, and willing to weather the criticism of be "naive" etc. But if "snowflake" makes you feel better, then that's that.

I think you're being unrealistic and possibly irrational due to fear or lack of understanding of public schools. While not ideal, public schools have a lot to recommend them -- mainstreaming being one benefit. Not sure why you wouldn't even explore the option.

OP here. Class size. My kiddo does best when class size is about 15. Can't get that in publics in my district. Yours?