Anyone go from SAHM to retirement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is too funny! Of course SAHM is work. On one hand you pay others $$$ to do these jobs — childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry, organizing, counseling, driving to doc appointment (wait until you have to do all this for the parents) yet when a woman does it it’s “not a job”. It’s just fun time.

+1

This entire post is so dumb. I actually think men would consider it work! They're not as catty at women.

[Anonymous]

Of course, being a sahp is hard work but it's not an occupation because it's your own children. Just like cleaning your own toilet doesn't make you a professional cleaner. Or cooking your own dinner doesn't make you a professional chef.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course, being a sahp is hard work but it's not an occupation because it's your own children. Just like cleaning your own toilet doesn't make you a professional cleaner. Or cooking your own dinner doesn't make you a professional chef.

I can’t believe I’m arguing that being a SAHM is not an occupation. This is really comical.

I’m an exhausted SAHM of 3 young kids. I am beyond tired. Haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is too funny! Of course SAHM is work. On one hand you pay others $$$ to do these jobs — childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry, organizing, counseling, driving to doc appointment (wait until you have to do all this for the parents) yet when a woman does it it’s “not a job”. It’s just fun time.

It's no more of a "job" to me than it is to my DH. We are both parents and both have responsibilities at home -- requiring effort from us both. We also both have careers -- I happen to be taking a break from mine at the moment.

I'm not defined by my effort at home any more than my DH is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first time mom at 43 (!) with one and only DD. I'll be 62 by the time she goes to college. I've had a 20-year career, and am most recently C-level at a large company. I feel like I've achieved the highest point of my career, and I could be doing the same thing for 20 years before retiring. Or start my own company, which would have its own trajectory. Obviously I've wanted DD for a long time, and love spending time with her. When she gets older, I could go back to work PT, or freelance, or volunteer. Has anyone go from SAHM to retirement and any tips?

Haven’t read any other replies. But, are you me?? Except I did it! Couldn’t be happier.

I've been thinking about starting a similar thread. I"m 45, earned a lot of money already, saved most of it and due to two young kids, one with a labor-intensive condition, I'm seriously thinking about "retiring" or staying at home or living off the money I already earned/saved. My problem, fear of loosing my self-definition. I even know what I want to do in the volunteer space. Actually, my DH doesn't want me to which is bothersome because we can live off his income and since we've met, I've earned 1/3 more than him. For example, he earns 200K and our mortgage is less than most apartments.

I think your DH has to be on board for you to be a SAHM. Sounds like you are and were always the higher earner.

How old are your kids?
Could you do a lateral more flexible job?

I’m the 40yo pp. DH likes me staying home because he can focus on his career. He doesn’t have to stress out about picking up the kids on time or whether he will need to call out tomorrow because school might be closed because it is too cold.

Read this carefully. Many men want their wife to stay home simply so their own life is easier. Having a SAHM benefits the man more than the woman. He’s out there with his own identity and contributing to retirement accounts that are in his name only. His career options and salary continue to grow. You’re stuck at home and your identity is working for your spouse and children as a cook, nanny, maid, party planner, etc. He’s in the outside world and you’re trapped behind the scenes. Oh wait volunteer work....more unpaid labor that benefits men.

If you’re an ambitious woman who likes to stay busy you most likely won’t enjoy staying home.

You must not have kids. I have an Ivy League masters and have worked in stem for 15 years, a tough but interesting field, and for me ‘behind the scenes’ is anywhere my kids are not! My coworkers are not the most important validators in my life. they will not show up in my hospital room or at my funeral. Professional accomplishments are great, but they are no match for raising my kids or taking care of family members in need, and that’s true for both me and my husband.
Your presumption that this work is inferior and for the ‘non-ambitious’ is inherited from a legacy of devaluing work traditionally done by women. Why have you agreed to undervalue it? You really want to be promoting that agenda?[/quote]

Well said.
Another perspective - I am a very well qualified woman who is now a SAHM. I work for my family and kids. I have no interest in contributing to fill the coffers of somebody else, I would rather contribute to the growth and wellbeing of my children and family. This positions comes from both DH and I understanding the value of a highly educated mother raising the children or managing the household.

I think the discussion for and against being a SAHM or WOHM mainly comes from where we all are in the hierarchy of needs. If you trying to meet the basic needs either physiological (mortgage, food, medicine, transportation) or the safety needs (college, retirement, home, fear of being left with nothing in case of divorce/prenup, abusive marriage, single parent) then it makes sense to continue working. For at least the DCUM SAHMs in my circle - we all have wealth, education, connections, domestic staff (part time at least), stable marriages, our own money, no pre-nups, high achieving healthy children. This means that being at home to make sure that everyone is looked after (spouse, kids, parents, family, property, wealth, social connections, mental health, physical health, career growth, relationships) makes a lot of financial and evolutionary sense. I also get to facilitate and meet my families psychological and self-fulfilment needs because I can be there to take care of the basic needs.

People can choose to work or stay at home for psychological and self-fulfillment needs, but those kinds of people are rare. Mostly around the world people are working for basic needs and even staying home to meet the basic need of childcare and household management.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first time mom at 43 (!) with one and only DD. I'll be 62 by the time she goes to college. I've had a 20-year career, and am most recently C-level at a large company. I feel like I've achieved the highest point of my career, and I could be doing the same thing for 20 years before retiring. Or start my own company, which would have its own trajectory. Obviously I've wanted DD for a long time, and love spending time with her. When she gets older, I could go back to work PT, or freelance, or volunteer. Has anyone go from SAHM to retirement and any tips?

Haven’t read any other replies. But, are you me?? Except I did it! Couldn’t be happier.

I've been thinking about starting a similar thread. I"m 45, earned a lot of money already, saved most of it and due to two young kids, one with a labor-intensive condition, I'm seriously thinking about "retiring" or staying at home or living off the money I already earned/saved. My problem, fear of loosing my self-definition. I even know what I want to do in the volunteer space. Actually, my DH doesn't want me to which is bothersome because we can live off his income and since we've met, I've earned 1/3 more than him. For example, he earns 200K and our mortgage is less than most apartments.

I think your DH has to be on board for you to be a SAHM. Sounds like you are and were always the higher earner.

How old are your kids?
Could you do a lateral more flexible job?

I’m the 40yo pp. DH likes me staying home because he can focus on his career. He doesn’t have to stress out about picking up the kids on time or whether he will need to call out tomorrow because school might be closed because it is too cold.

Read this carefully. Many men want their wife to stay home simply so their own life is easier. Having a SAHM benefits the man more than the woman. He’s out there with his own identity and contributing to retirement accounts that are in his name only. His career options and salary continue to grow. You’re stuck at home and your identity is working for your spouse and children as a cook, nanny, maid, party planner, etc. He’s in the outside world and you’re trapped behind the scenes. Oh wait volunteer work....more unpaid labor that benefits men.

If you’re an ambitious woman who likes to stay busy you most likely won’t enjoy staying home.

You must not have kids. I have an Ivy League masters and have worked in stem for 15 years, a tough but interesting field, and for me ‘behind the scenes’ is anywhere my kids are not! My coworkers are not the most important validators in my life. they will not show up in my hospital room or at my funeral. Professional accomplishments are great, but they are no match for raising my kids or taking care of family members in need, and that’s true for both me and my husband.
Your presumption that this work is inferior and for the ‘non-ambitious’ is inherited from a legacy of devaluing work traditionally done by women. Why have you agreed to undervalue it? You really want to be promoting that agenda?

Well said.
Another perspective - I am a very well qualified woman who is now a SAHM. I work for my family and kids. I have no interest in contributing to fill the coffers of somebody else, I would rather contribute to the growth and wellbeing of my children and family. This positions comes from both DH and I understanding the value of a highly educated mother raising the children or managing the household.

I think the discussion for and against being a SAHM or WOHM mainly comes from where we all are in the hierarchy of needs. If you trying to meet the basic needs either physiological (mortgage, food, medicine, transportation) or the safety needs (college, retirement, home, fear of being left with nothing in case of divorce/prenup, abusive marriage, single parent) then it makes sense to continue working. For at least the DCUM SAHMs in my circle - we all have wealth, education, connections, domestic staff (part time at least), stable marriages, our own money, no pre-nups, high achieving healthy children. This means that being at home to make sure that everyone is looked after (spouse, kids, parents, family, property, wealth, social connections, mental health, physical health, career growth, relationships) makes a lot of financial and evolutionary sense. I also get to facilitate and meet my families psychological and self-fulfilment needs because I can be there to take care of the basic needs.

People can choose to work or stay at home for psychological and self-fulfillment needs, but those kinds of people are rare. Mostly around the world people are working for basic needs and even staying home to meet the basic need of childcare and household management.

[Anonymous]

My MIL did. Her kids are each 5-6 years apart so while my SIL was in high school, she only had 1 kid at home. Then none. It was 10 more years before my FIL retired.

She has a lot of hobbies -
She interviews kids for her college, volunteers at church, plans their vacations, talk on the phone to each of her kids 2-3x a week, works on little projects around the house. She has a way of making the smallest thing a giant production - perhaps because she needs to fill time. I would buy curtains if I needed them. She will research pleat patterns, find the perfect fabrics and order them, have curtains made and some tiny thing will be wrong and she’ll need like 2-3 rounds of fixes. You can see how something like that takes her a bit of time each day for a few weeks. She always has 4-5 of these “projects” she makes up for herself in various statuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first time mom at 43 (!) with one and only DD. I'll be 62 by the time she goes to college. I've had a 20-year career, and am most recently C-level at a large company. I feel like I've achieved the highest point of my career, and I could be doing the same thing for 20 years before retiring. Or start my own company, which would have its own trajectory. Obviously I've wanted DD for a long time, and love spending time with her. When she gets older, I could go back to work PT, or freelance, or volunteer. Has anyone go from SAHM to retirement and any tips?

Haven’t read any other replies. But, are you me?? Except I did it! Couldn’t be happier.

I've been thinking about starting a similar thread. I"m 45, earned a lot of money already, saved most of it and due to two young kids, one with a labor-intensive condition, I'm seriously thinking about "retiring" or staying at home or living off the money I already earned/saved. My problem, fear of loosing my self-definition. I even know what I want to do in the volunteer space. Actually, my DH doesn't want me to which is bothersome because we can live off his income and since we've met, I've earned 1/3 more than him. For example, he earns 200K and our mortgage is less than most apartments.

I think your DH has to be on board for you to be a SAHM. Sounds like you are and were always the higher earner.

How old are your kids?
Could you do a lateral more flexible job?

I’m the 40yo pp. DH likes me staying home because he can focus on his career. He doesn’t have to stress out about picking up the kids on time or whether he will need to call out tomorrow because school might be closed because it is too cold.

Read this carefully. Many men want their wife to stay home simply so their own life is easier. Having a SAHM benefits the man more than the woman. He’s out there with his own identity and contributing to retirement accounts that are in his name only. His career options and salary continue to grow. You’re stuck at home and your identity is working for your spouse and children as a cook, nanny, maid, party planner, etc. He’s in the outside world and you’re trapped behind the scenes. Oh wait volunteer work....more unpaid labor that benefits men.

If you’re an ambitious woman who likes to stay busy you most likely won’t enjoy staying home.

You must not have kids. I have an Ivy League masters and have worked in stem for 15 years, a tough but interesting field, and for me ‘behind the scenes’ is anywhere my kids are not! My coworkers are not the most important validators in my life. they will not show up in my hospital room or at my funeral. Professional accomplishments are great, but they are no match for raising my kids or taking care of family members in need, and that’s true for both me and my husband.
Your presumption that this work is inferior and for the ‘non-ambitious’ is inherited from a legacy of devaluing work traditionally done by women. Why have you agreed to undervalue it? You really want to be promoting that agenda?

Well said.
Another perspective - I am a very well qualified woman who is now a SAHM. I work for my family and kids. I have no interest in contributing to fill the coffers of somebody else, I would rather contribute to the growth and wellbeing of my children and family. This positions comes from both DH and I understanding the value of a highly educated mother raising the children or managing the household.

I think the discussion for and against being a SAHM or WOHM mainly comes from where we all are in the hierarchy of needs. If you trying to meet the basic needs either physiological (mortgage, food, medicine, transportation) or the safety needs (college, retirement, home, fear of being left with nothing in case of divorce/prenup, abusive marriage, single parent) then it makes sense to continue working. For at least the DCUM SAHMs in my circle - we all have wealth, education, connections, domestic staff (part time at least), stable marriages, our own money, no pre-nups, high achieving healthy children. This means that being at home to make sure that everyone is looked after (spouse, kids, parents, family, property, wealth, social connections, mental health, physical health, career growth, relationships) makes a lot of financial and evolutionary sense. I also get to facilitate and meet my families psychological and self-fulfilment needs because I can be there to take care of the basic needs.

People can choose to work or stay at home for psychological and self-fulfillment needs, but those kinds of people are rare. Mostly around the world people are working for basic needs and even staying home to meet the basic need of childcare and household management.

I find this mindset so repulsive. I don't work FOR my DH or my kids. I'm a member of the family just like everyone else. We all contribute in our own ways. At the moment, I happen to spend more time at home now than my DH does. At some point, we are planning to swap. Just like me, he values his time with his family. And he certainly doesn't consider his time with the kids to be "babysitting" or a "part-time job". Just like I don't consider it my "job" either. As soon as my kids are old enough, they prepare their own food, do their own laundry, etc. I'm not a servant or employee of the family. Gross.

-high-achieving, highly-educated SAHM (my family role, not my occupation!)

[Anonymous]

I'm the upthread poster who wants to retire but Dh isn't exactly supportive. A few years ago, my child was dx with a special need and an unrelated chronic medical condition. Neither is severe but both are very time consuming.

Re Maslow's hiegherarchy of needs. I really want to better manage my child's health and also want to do a system-wide change thing that I think will help others who come after in this particular system. I know some others who work for this system change and 1 does not work and the other works from home, as a coder/programer/app developer, that type of thing.

I'd like to use my skills that have paid very well, to do this thing. And I've got this weird inner peace about it and am starting to prepare for it professionally.

I do about 3/4 of the homecare/childcare (and I do include managing the stuff we hire out).

As a couple, we've got about 2m saved and the house probably is work 500k minus the small mortgage. no debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first time mom at 43 (!) with one and only DD. I'll be 62 by the time she goes to college. I've had a 20-year career, and am most recently C-level at a large company. I feel like I've achieved the highest point of my career, and I could be doing the same thing for 20 years before retiring. Or start my own company, which would have its own trajectory. Obviously I've wanted DD for a long time, and love spending time with her. When she gets older, I could go back to work PT, or freelance, or volunteer. Has anyone go from SAHM to retirement and any tips?

Haven’t read any other replies. But, are you me?? Except I did it! Couldn’t be happier.

I've been thinking about starting a similar thread. I"m 45, earned a lot of money already, saved most of it and due to two young kids, one with a labor-intensive condition, I'm seriously thinking about "retiring" or staying at home or living off the money I already earned/saved. My problem, fear of loosing my self-definition. I even know what I want to do in the volunteer space. Actually, my DH doesn't want me to which is bothersome because we can live off his income and since we've met, I've earned 1/3 more than him. For example, he earns 200K and our mortgage is less than most apartments.

I think your DH has to be on board for you to be a SAHM. Sounds like you are and were always the higher earner.

How old are your kids?
Could you do a lateral more flexible job?

I’m the 40yo pp. DH likes me staying home because he can focus on his career. He doesn’t have to stress out about picking up the kids on time or whether he will need to call out tomorrow because school might be closed because it is too cold.

Read this carefully. Many men want their wife to stay home simply so their own life is easier. Having a SAHM benefits the man more than the woman. He’s out there with his own identity and contributing to retirement accounts that are in his name only. His career options and salary continue to grow. You’re stuck at home and your identity is working for your spouse and children as a cook, nanny, maid, party planner, etc. He’s in the outside world and you’re trapped behind the scenes. Oh wait volunteer work....more unpaid labor that benefits men.

If you’re an ambitious woman who likes to stay busy you most likely won’t enjoy staying home.

You must not have kids. I have an Ivy League masters and have worked in stem for 15 years, a tough but interesting field, and for me ‘behind the scenes’ is anywhere my kids are not! My coworkers are not the most important validators in my life. they will not show up in my hospital room or at my funeral. Professional accomplishments are great, but they are no match for raising my kids or taking care of family members in need, and that’s true for both me and my husband.
Your presumption that this work is inferior and for the ‘non-ambitious’ is inherited from a legacy of devaluing work traditionally done by women. Why have you agreed to undervalue it? You really want to be promoting that agenda?

Well said.
Another perspective - I am a very well qualified woman who is now a SAHM. I work for my family and kids. I have no interest in contributing to fill the coffers of somebody else, I would rather contribute to the growth and wellbeing of my children and family. This positions comes from both DH and I understanding the value of a highly educated mother raising the children or managing the household.

I think the discussion for and against being a SAHM or WOHM mainly comes from where we all are in the hierarchy of needs. If you trying to meet the basic needs either physiological (mortgage, food, medicine, transportation) or the safety needs (college, retirement, home, fear of being left with nothing in case of divorce/prenup, abusive marriage, single parent) then it makes sense to continue working. For at least the DCUM SAHMs in my circle - we all have wealth, education, connections, domestic staff (part time at least), stable marriages, our own money, no pre-nups, high achieving healthy children. This means that being at home to make sure that everyone is looked after (spouse, kids, parents, family, property, wealth, social connections, mental health, physical health, career growth, relationships) makes a lot of financial and evolutionary sense. I also get to facilitate and meet my families psychological and self-fulfilment needs because I can be there to take care of the basic needs.

People can choose to work or stay at home for psychological and self-fulfillment needs, but those kinds of people are rare. Mostly around the world people are working for basic needs and even staying home to meet the basic need of childcare and household management.

I find this mindset so repulsive. I don't work FOR my DH or my kids. I'm a member of the family just like everyone else. We all contribute in our own ways. At the moment, I happen to spend more time at home now than my DH does. At some point, we are planning to swap. Just like me, he values his time with his family. And he certainly doesn't consider his time with the kids to be "babysitting" or a "part-time job". Just like I don't consider it my "job" either. As soon as my kids are old enough, they prepare their own food, do their own laundry, etc. I'm not a servant or employee of the family. Gross.

-high-achieving, highly-educated SAHM (my family role, not my occupation!)

Your mindset is one of the reasons American families are so dysfunctional. You're in denial about your family responsibilities because it doesn't pay $.

[Anonymous]

You know who goes around calling it work? Park rangers, party planners, and sex workers. Once you start doing an activity ’round the clock, whether you find meaning or fulfillment in it or not, it becomes your profession. So it is for parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first time mom at 43 (!) with one and only DD. I'll be 62 by the time she goes to college. I've had a 20-year career, and am most recently C-level at a large company. I feel like I've achieved the highest point of my career, and I could be doing the same thing for 20 years before retiring. Or start my own company, which would have its own trajectory. Obviously I've wanted DD for a long time, and love spending time with her. When she gets older, I could go back to work PT, or freelance, or volunteer. Has anyone go from SAHM to retirement and any tips?

Haven’t read any other replies. But, are you me?? Except I did it! Couldn’t be happier.

I've been thinking about starting a similar thread. I"m 45, earned a lot of money already, saved most of it and due to two young kids, one with a labor-intensive condition, I'm seriously thinking about "retiring" or staying at home or living off the money I already earned/saved. My problem, fear of loosing my self-definition. I even know what I want to do in the volunteer space. Actually, my DH doesn't want me to which is bothersome because we can live off his income and since we've met, I've earned 1/3 more than him. For example, he earns 200K and our mortgage is less than most apartments.

I think your DH has to be on board for you to be a SAHM. Sounds like you are and were always the higher earner.

How old are your kids?
Could you do a lateral more flexible job?

I’m the 40yo pp. DH likes me staying home because he can focus on his career. He doesn’t have to stress out about picking up the kids on time or whether he will need to call out tomorrow because school might be closed because it is too cold.

Read this carefully. Many men want their wife to stay home simply so their own life is easier. Having a SAHM benefits the man more than the woman. He’s out there with his own identity and contributing to retirement accounts that are in his name only. His career options and salary continue to grow. You’re stuck at home and your identity is working for your spouse and children as a cook, nanny, maid, party planner, etc. He’s in the outside world and you’re trapped behind the scenes. Oh wait volunteer work....more unpaid labor that benefits men.

If you’re an ambitious woman who likes to stay busy you most likely won’t enjoy staying home.

You must not have kids. I have an Ivy League masters and have worked in stem for 15 years, a tough but interesting field, and for me ‘behind the scenes’ is anywhere my kids are not! My coworkers are not the most important validators in my life. they will not show up in my hospital room or at my funeral. Professional accomplishments are great, but they are no match for raising my kids or taking care of family members in need, and that’s true for both me and my husband.
Your presumption that this work is inferior and for the ‘non-ambitious’ is inherited from a legacy of devaluing work traditionally done by women. Why have you agreed to undervalue it? You really want to be promoting that agenda?

Well said.
Another perspective - I am a very well qualified woman who is now a SAHM. I work for my family and kids. I have no interest in contributing to fill the coffers of somebody else, I would rather contribute to the growth and wellbeing of my children and family. This positions comes from both DH and I understanding the value of a highly educated mother raising the children or managing the household.

I think the discussion for and against being a SAHM or WOHM mainly comes from where we all are in the hierarchy of needs. If you trying to meet the basic needs either physiological (mortgage, food, medicine, transportation) or the safety needs (college, retirement, home, fear of being left with nothing in case of divorce/prenup, abusive marriage, single parent) then it makes sense to continue working. For at least the DCUM SAHMs in my circle - we all have wealth, education, connections, domestic staff (part time at least), stable marriages, our own money, no pre-nups, high achieving healthy children. This means that being at home to make sure that everyone is looked after (spouse, kids, parents, family, property, wealth, social connections, mental health, physical health, career growth, relationships) makes a lot of financial and evolutionary sense. I also get to facilitate and meet my families psychological and self-fulfilment needs because I can be there to take care of the basic needs.

People can choose to work or stay at home for psychological and self-fulfillment needs, but those kinds of people are rare. Mostly around the world people are working for basic needs and even staying home to meet the basic need of childcare and household management.

I find this mindset so repulsive. I don't work FOR my DH or my kids. I'm a member of the family just like everyone else. We all contribute in our own ways. At the moment, I happen to spend more time at home now than my DH does. At some point, we are planning to swap. Just like me, he values his time with his family. And he certainly doesn't consider his time with the kids to be "babysitting" or a "part-time job". Just like I don't consider it my "job" either. As soon as my kids are old enough, they prepare their own food, do their own laundry, etc. I'm not a servant or employee of the family. Gross.

-high-achieving, highly-educated SAHM (my family role, not my occupation!)

Anyone who signs your post like this is definitely not high achieving. You're clearly missing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course, being a sahp is hard work but it's not an occupation because it's your own children. Just like cleaning your own toilet doesn't make you a professional cleaner. Or cooking your own dinner doesn't make you a professional chef.

I can’t believe I’m arguing that being a SAHM is not an occupation. This is really comical.

I’m an exhausted SAHM of 3 young kids. I am beyond tired. Haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in years.

I think it's more like one is a vocation that involves a lot of labor, a calling and a responsibility and duty -- but in some sense a lot more than a job. You can quit a job and find another one. You can change careers. I think once you commit to having kids, for most people that means taking care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first time mom at 43 (!) with one and only DD. I'll be 62 by the time she goes to college. I've had a 20-year career, and am most recently C-level at a large company. I feel like I've achieved the highest point of my career, and I could be doing the same thing for 20 years before retiring. Or start my own company, which would have its own trajectory. Obviously I've wanted DD for a long time, and love spending time with her. When she gets older, I could go back to work PT, or freelance, or volunteer. Has anyone go from SAHM to retirement and any tips?

Haven’t read any other replies. But, are you me?? Except I did it! Couldn’t be happier.

I've been thinking about starting a similar thread. I"m 45, earned a lot of money already, saved most of it and due to two young kids, one with a labor-intensive condition, I'm seriously thinking about "retiring" or staying at home or living off the money I already earned/saved. My problem, fear of loosing my self-definition. I even know what I want to do in the volunteer space. Actually, my DH doesn't want me to which is bothersome because we can live off his income and since we've met, I've earned 1/3 more than him. For example, he earns 200K and our mortgage is less than most apartments.

I think your DH has to be on board for you to be a SAHM. Sounds like you are and were always the higher earner.

How old are your kids?
Could you do a lateral more flexible job?

I’m the 40yo pp. DH likes me staying home because he can focus on his career. He doesn’t have to stress out about picking up the kids on time or whether he will need to call out tomorrow because school might be closed because it is too cold.

Read this carefully. Many men want their wife to stay home simply so their own life is easier. Having a SAHM benefits the man more than the woman. He’s out there with his own identity and contributing to retirement accounts that are in his name only. His career options and salary continue to grow. You’re stuck at home and your identity is working for your spouse and children as a cook, nanny, maid, party planner, etc. He’s in the outside world and you’re trapped behind the scenes. Oh wait volunteer work....more unpaid labor that benefits men.

If you’re an ambitious woman who likes to stay busy you most likely won’t enjoy staying home.

You must not have kids. I have an Ivy League masters and have worked in stem for 15 years, a tough but interesting field, and for me ‘behind the scenes’ is anywhere my kids are not! My coworkers are not the most important validators in my life. they will not show up in my hospital room or at my funeral. Professional accomplishments are great, but they are no match for raising my kids or taking care of family members in need, and that’s true for both me and my husband.
Your presumption that this work is inferior and for the ‘non-ambitious’ is inherited from a legacy of devaluing work traditionally done by women. Why have you agreed to undervalue it? You really want to be promoting that agenda?

Well said.
Another perspective - I am a very well qualified woman who is now a SAHM. I work for my family and kids. I have no interest in contributing to fill the coffers of somebody else, I would rather contribute to the growth and wellbeing of my children and family. This positions comes from both DH and I understanding the value of a highly educated mother raising the children or managing the household.

I think the discussion for and against being a SAHM or WOHM mainly comes from where we all are in the hierarchy of needs. If you trying to meet the basic needs either physiological (mortgage, food, medicine, transportation) or the safety needs (college, retirement, home, fear of being left with nothing in case of divorce/prenup, abusive marriage, single parent) then it makes sense to continue working. For at least the DCUM SAHMs in my circle - we all have wealth, education, connections, domestic staff (part time at least), stable marriages, our own money, no pre-nups, high achieving healthy children. This means that being at home to make sure that everyone is looked after (spouse, kids, parents, family, property, wealth, social connections, mental health, physical health, career growth, relationships) makes a lot of financial and evolutionary sense. I also get to facilitate and meet my families psychological and self-fulfilment needs because I can be there to take care of the basic needs.

People can choose to work or stay at home for psychological and self-fulfillment needs, but those kinds of people are rare. Mostly around the world people are working for basic needs and even staying home to meet the basic need of childcare and household management.

What would you say about women who don't get their self-fulfillment needs met from taking care of the family needs all day? Even if you have staff, it means attending to a lot of things with a certain content -- like health, child development, creating and maintaining a physical environment, planning and researching family activities, finances, etc. I like thinking about some of those things and am interested in them -- to a certain extent. In my intellectual life I'm stimulated by other more abstract topics and I also enjoy writing (creative writing and more academic analysis). I love teaching and being in conversation with others in my field.

Of course, I'm extremely fulfilled by the intense challenge and joy of spending time with my children . . . but we all know there's a lot more to being a SAHP than only those interactions. I'd rather share responsibility for all the work of home and family so that I can also carve out time for my own work and "self-actualization needs." Is it privileged? Yes. Am I excited to guide other women in assuming what's traditionally been a male place of privilege in society, and in making their intellectual and creative voices heard? Yes. I think if being a SAHP is your apex of self-fulfillment, that's absolutely wonderful. But there's no reason why women can't also aspire to be scientists, writers, artists, thinkers, entrepreneurs, architects, explorers, athletes, healers. Women no less than men have life goals that are not compatible with full time parenting.

[Anonymous]

OMG. A bunch of annoying, rich women bitching at each other.

If you actually take care of your children and home, meaning you actually clean your home, buy your groceries, cook your meals, manage the finances, etc., then you are a SAHM and can discuss the work you do. I pat you on the back for your contribution to society.

If you are just a rich woman with a cook and someone to clean your home and a babysitter, you are just a lucky rich woman. You aren't what anyone would call a SAHM and you aren't doing any work. Just be grateful and stop trying to pretend you are doing anything resembling work or deserving of any accolades. Realize you belong to an unbelievably small group of people on this earth and thank your lucky stars. Or maybe go volunteer somewhere and give back to society.

Honestly.