Irritating present from MIL

[Anonymous]

Before DH and I married my MIL incessantly asked me what colors I would like her to use in making a quilt for us. The pattern she used was amazingly intricate and shows true quilting skill. Unfortunately, she completely ignored my color suggestions. While I appreciate the time and effort that went into making the quilt, I was incredibly annoyed at first and felt like she was trying to control how I decorated my bedroom. I know, the solution is to pack the quilt away somewhere, but since DH's mother made it and DH wants to use it. We're also saving for a house so trying to buy only essentials. Eventually we'll replace it with a quilt I actually like. OP, you're not alone in the annoying (albeit well intentioned) gift department.

[Anonymous]

I get the "no decorating gifts" sentiment, though it truly isn't THAT big a deal.

When we got married, I made it clear that I was getting my husband a framed copy of our wedding invitation as a gift. It was a beautiful framing job that cost $200. MIL saw it and said it was lovely, etc.

She has a next-door neighbor who does stained glass work. MIL asked me for an extra copy of our wedding invite. I sent it to her thinking it would be for a scrapbook or whatnot. NOPE. She had it framed in blue and green stained glass. It's a very formal invite--black text on cream paper--and the stained glass is very "bohemian." It just doesn't make any visual sense, and it doesn't go well with any of our decor...AND, why would we display TWO copies of our wedding invite?

We didn't accept the gift. We said, "Thank you so much, but we already have a framed copy that we love. If you'd like to display that here in your house, we're sure it would look lovely." So that's what she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the "no decorating gifts" sentiment, though it truly isn't THAT big a deal.

When we got married, I made it clear that I was getting my husband a framed copy of our wedding invitation as a gift. It was a beautiful framing job that cost $200. MIL saw it and said it was lovely, etc.

She has a next-door neighbor who does stained glass work. MIL asked me for an extra copy of our wedding invite. I sent it to her thinking it would be for a scrapbook or whatnot. NOPE. She had it framed in blue and green stained glass. It's a very formal invite--black text on cream paper--and the stained glass is very "bohemian." It just doesn't make any visual sense, and it doesn't go well with any of our decor...AND, why would we display TWO copies of our wedding invite?

We didn't accept the gift. We said, "Thank you so much, but we already have a framed copy that we love. If you'd like to display that here in your house, we're sure it would look lovely." So that's what she did.

This was a very mature and adult way to handle the situation. Bravo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing personal OP but I think of this as one of those things I might have felt strongly about when I was young and had no REAL problems to worry about. Like when my SIL gave me a huge, expensive and (IMHO) ugly painting for a wedding gift, I remember being terribly annoyed. Now I think, well, we have different tastes, but who gives a shit?

None of my kids' grandparents ever got them particularly welcome gifts. But now they are all dead, or have severe dementia or other health issues. Even if they weren't the most wonderful people in the world, it's still sad that they don't get the joy of having grandchildren anymore and that my kids don't have that relationship themselves. Someday OP you'll look back and hate yourself a little for having spent 10 seconds caring about whether your MIL's Xmas comforter was tacky.

Oh, please, STFU. We get it! You are holy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually feel sorry for OP and everyone dumping on her. My MIL also constantly sends house decorating items which aren't my taste. And we have a small house so I can't just pile it in a guest room. (And by constantly I mean every week). It all ends up at Goodwill. And she is on a fixed income so it troubles me to watch her waste her $$. But I love her dearly, and love that she is so thoughtful. But I totally get the need to vent.

Be an adult. Thank her profusely for all the "wonderful" things she has given you, but tell her you are though decorating and simply do not have room for anything else. It really isn't that hard and if you do it kindly she will be fine.

That would not have stopped my MIL. You don't know what those over givers are like. Mine used to go to thrift stores/ yard sales and them drop it all on us. It was at a time when money was tight and we had so many expenses and so little spare time. She would just spend spend spend on junk junk junk and then dump it on us. We could have used something practical but those requests fell on deaf ears. So while having a newborn, year old, and a job, I had a new job -- the dump. It WAS irritating. Not the end of the world, but irritating.

[Anonymous]

For goodness sake - be grateful. My own mother didn't come see our baby or send a gift until 3 months after the birth. Your MIL's heart is in the right place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the "no decorating gifts" sentiment, though it truly isn't THAT big a deal.

When we got married, I made it clear that I was getting my husband a framed copy of our wedding invitation as a gift. It was a beautiful framing job that cost $200. MIL saw it and said it was lovely, etc.

She has a next-door neighbor who does stained glass work. MIL asked me for an extra copy of our wedding invite. I sent it to her thinking it would be for a scrapbook or whatnot. NOPE. She had it framed in blue and green stained glass. It's a very formal invite--black text on cream paper--and the stained glass is very "bohemian." It just doesn't make any visual sense, and it doesn't go well with any of our decor...AND, why would we display TWO copies of our wedding invite?

We didn't accept the gift. We said, "Thank you so much, but we already have a framed copy that we love. If you'd like to display that here in your house, we're sure it would look lovely." So that's what she did.

This was a very mature and adult way to handle the situation. Bravo!

Thanks...but I have to admit, it irks me slightly every time I see it in her home!

It's so weird...she'll make comments about how very different our tastes/styles are, then she'll buy me an identical quilt purse to one she owns. As I'm unwrapping it, she'll say, "You won't like this."

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I understand that you have some legitimate issues with your MIL, OP, but I feel like you are overlooking the fact that your child is a person. This is a gift someone gave to him. You may not like that gift, but unless it is dangerous or wildly inappropriate, you should leave it up to your son what to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would be a bit irritated, too. She's crossing a bit if a boundary and trying to have a say in decorating your son's room. Why wouldn't she ask you about it before just sending it? Why would she send a small child s blanket as a gift instead of books or toys??

That said, I like PPs idea about using it as an extra blanket for tv or fort building or whatever. Or you could buy a duvet cover for it and use it in his room. ;-D

What character is it?
How is your relationship with her otherwise?

This isn't boundary crossing. REAL boundary issues are much worse and truly damaging. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

I still think this is a good chance for the OP to confer with her son, discuss whether he really *wants* the new comforter (which he apparently did not request - but maybe I'm wrong), and talk about whether or not another little boy without any comforter would like to have it as a Christmas gift. Assuming the comforter is still in the packaging, and assuming OP's son did not request it and/or does not really care about it, and assuming the OP would just use it occasionally for her son - wouldn't it be great for another child to have a brand new, popularly-themed comforter for Christmas? There have to be local organizations still accepting donations, and a new comforter could be very-much appreciated by some little guy out there.

If OP's DS wants to keep the comforter - fine. But, if not, it would be a good opportunity for the DS to donate one of his new Christmas gifts - something he doesn't really need, but another child does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I understand that you have some legitimate issues with your MIL, OP, but I feel like you are overlooking the fact that your child is a person. This is a gift someone gave to him. You may not like that gift, but unless it is dangerous or wildly inappropriate, you should leave it up to your son what to do with it.

Yeah, but the little person's bed is in his room which is in MY home. I get some say on how that room is decorated...'kay? Did your grandparents do this sort of thing when you were growing up? Mine sure didn't.

Again, there are way worse things than having a doting/adoring grandparent. If you're going to have a problem, this is the type to have. BUT I can still see how this could be annoying. Some things aren't bad but they are annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still think this is a good chance for the OP to confer with her son, discuss whether he really *wants* the new comforter (which he apparently did not request - but maybe I'm wrong), and talk about whether or not another little boy without any comforter would like to have it as a Christmas gift. Assuming the comforter is still in the packaging, and assuming OP's son did not request it and/or does not really care about it, and assuming the OP would just use it occasionally for her son - wouldn't it be great for another child to have a brand new, popularly-themed comforter for Christmas? There have to be local organizations still accepting donations, and a new comforter could be very-much appreciated by some little guy out there.

If OP's DS wants to keep the comforter - fine. But, if not, it would be a good opportunity for the DS to donate one of his new Christmas gifts - something he doesn't really need, but another child does.

This is what I'll do. Thanks for the nice, helpful comment. (And, incidentally, we already shopped for several homeless families already this season -- we actually buy more presents for the homeless than for our own family, so this is something he already thinks about.)

I probably shouldn't say this, because it will probably just provoke more responses, but I just can't believe how many people were so mean to me about this silly little post! And a lot of people are making a lot of assumptions, and then lecturing me about them -- for instance, assuming that this present means she is a doting grandmother (she isn't -- she didn't send any of the kids any presents until they were several years old, and then they were just things to impress her friends who were also having grandchildren at that point, plus she regularly snubs this particular child because he isn't her "favorite") and that I should be grateful for her presence in our lives (which is actually a huge stress, because none of us ever know when she's going to go off the deep end about something and do something really damaging). Or assuming that I should be "grateful" that this is the only thing I have to worry about, when in fact I have a number of "real" problems, including a special needs child who is having a lot of trouble lately. Just because someone posts a random thing on the internet to see what people think doesn't mean it's the most pressing problem in their lives!

I really need to stop reading this thread, because it's been making me feel really depressed. I should know better -- especially after seeing the recent thread where someone accused the OP of being a lazy alcoholic because she asked if her 2nd grader could make her own lunch. I think I'm just too old for the internet -- I didn't grow up with all this anonymous e-criticism and I'm still taken aback by how harsh people are. If I didn't have so many problems (like the SN kid), I guess I could make some real friends and have someone to vent about my MIL with.

Anyway, I do wish everyone a very happy holiday season (even those of you who think I'm an ungrateful b*&ch of a DIL)...may you all get the comforter of your dreams, or whatever else it is that you're dreaming of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do people like OP even function. I can't imagine how many times a day she's gravely offended.

Lol, so true. I wish my life was so stress free that I had time to get upset about a blanket!

My siblings and I adopted a family a few years ago. They were from a violent section of an inner city, single dad trying to raise 9 year old triplets after their mom suddenly died, destitute conditions (water and power often shut off, food pantry, etc).

The kids only had a couple of requests on their wish lists. One of the items was that they each requested their own blanket.

It seems like a little much to get into a power struggle over someone giving you a warm blanket that just happens to have a few characters on it.

If it bothers you so much, I am sure there are communities somewhere in this insanely wealthy DC metro region where a new, warm blanket for a kid will be really appreciated.

That's really not fair. Just because OP's top things on the hierarchies of needs are fulfilled, doesn't mean she's never allowed to be irritated in life. I love my MIL and still get very annoyed when she gives me weird presents - she always buys me clothes, for example, but they are never clothes I actually want to wear (or they don't fit) and then I feel guilty for not liking them and not wearing them, and resentful that she is giving me these things that cost $ that I don't want, etc etc.

Of course, if I were a refugee and had nothing but the shoes on my feet, I would feel differently. But I'm not - I'm a reasonably comfortable adult who still experiences things. And so I get annoyed.

I don't think OP was saying this was the WORST THING EVER. She was saying that she wishes her MIL - who she doesn't get along with, who her husband doesn't get along with - hadn't given them this stupid blanket, that now they have to figure out what to do with. It's a pretty normal frustration.

Actually, anyone who thinks this is "normal" frustration needs to grow up. No one has to give you a gift. Accept it graciously and move on. You don't have to keep it but you have no say in what someone decides to do wilt their money or what gift you are given. Did no one teach you manners and graciousness? Holy moly. This is manufactured outrage.

Yes, I was taught manners. Which is why I don't ever ask my MIL to stop buying me the clothes. And why I am assuming OP is venting here instead of asking her MIL not to fill her house with things she doesn't want and now has to figure out to do with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still think this is a good chance for the OP to confer with her son, discuss whether he really *wants* the new comforter (which he apparently did not request - but maybe I'm wrong), and talk about whether or not another little boy without any comforter would like to have it as a Christmas gift. Assuming the comforter is still in the packaging, and assuming OP's son did not request it and/or does not really care about it, and assuming the OP would just use it occasionally for her son - wouldn't it be great for another child to have a brand new, popularly-themed comforter for Christmas? There have to be local organizations still accepting donations, and a new comforter could be very-much appreciated by some little guy out there.

If OP's DS wants to keep the comforter - fine. But, if not, it would be a good opportunity for the DS to donate one of his new Christmas gifts - something he doesn't really need, but another child does.

This is what I'll do. Thanks for the nice, helpful comment. (And, incidentally, we already shopped for several homeless families already this season -- we actually buy more presents for the homeless than for our own family, so this is something he already thinks about.)

I probably shouldn't say this, because it will probably just provoke more responses, but I just can't believe how many people were so mean to me about this silly little post! And a lot of people are making a lot of assumptions, and then lecturing me about them -- for instance, assuming that this present means she is a doting grandmother (she isn't -- she didn't send any of the kids any presents until they were several years old, and then they were just things to impress her friends who were also having grandchildren at that point, plus she regularly snubs this particular child because he isn't her "favorite") and that I should be grateful for her presence in our lives (which is actually a huge stress, because none of us ever know when she's going to go off the deep end about something and do something really damaging). Or assuming that I should be "grateful" that this is the only thing I have to worry about, when in fact I have a number of "real" problems, including a special needs child who is having a lot of trouble lately. Just because someone posts a random thing on the internet to see what people think doesn't mean it's the most pressing problem in their lives!

I really need to stop reading this thread, because it's been making me feel really depressed. I should know better -- especially after seeing the recent thread where someone accused the OP of being a lazy alcoholic because she asked if her 2nd grader could make her own lunch. I think I'm just too old for the internet -- I didn't grow up with all this anonymous e-criticism and I'm still taken aback by how harsh people are. If I didn't have so many problems (like the SN kid), I guess I could make some real friends and have someone to vent about my MIL with.

Anyway, I do wish everyone a very happy holiday season (even those of you who think I'm an ungrateful b*&ch of a DIL)...may you all get the comforter of your dreams, or whatever else it is that you're dreaming of.

I hope you feel better. It can be a stressful time of year.

[Anonymous]

Op - in all fairness, you called this an "irritating present from MIL". Yes, you have since clarified that your MIL is a biotch on wheels and quite a damaging personality. But we were already well into the conversation when you made that clarification. No one is saying that your MIL is doting/caring or that this present is merely irritating. You can feel free to get rid of it.

I hope things get better for you soon. I know that life can get stressful and you have a lot on your plate already w/o this weirdness from MIL. Hang in there.