Was I out of line at the grocery store with a shrieking toddler?

[Anonymous]

How do you know the woman was the child’s mother? And just because she was laughing when you were in the same aisle, how do you know she was egging the kid on the whole time? You assumed the woman was encouraging the child to squeal; the child assumed you’re mean; the woman assumed you’re rude. Maybe all of these assumptions are correct. Maybe none of them are.

It’s a free country. You can tell a kid that she’s hurting your ears. A woman can call you rude. If you want to avoid confrontations altogether, don’t initiate contact with strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a young child is with an adult in public you address the adult, not the toddler.

You weren’t wrong to say something but out of line to say it to the child.

+1. You address the adult, not the toddler. You know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe OP for the simple fact that there is no one, and I mean NO ONE, more bothered by a child’s screams than the MOTHER. It’s biologically wired into us to respond to our children screaming. Zero chance in hell the mom was laughing at the screaming. That’s the tell that this is made up or exaggerated.

I can’t even imagine what her blood pressure was. The worst feeling.

So why was she encouraging it and not stopping it?

OP was lying about that. That’s my point. The mom was not encouraging her child to scream. OP said that to make herself sound better.

The mom found the thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is autistic. People intervene when she's melting down in public ALL THE TIME. They think they are being helpful, either to me, or to themselves, as you thought. They are not. People need to mind their own business.

You tried to parent another person's child. A stranger's child. Without knowing what was going on. You felt entitled because you were uncomfortable. You were very much in the wrong.

If your child is shrieking in the store to the point of disturbing others, maybe it’s time to take them home. It doesn’t matter that they have autism, frankly.

I reply too soon. One of the ways that kids learn how to behave in public when they have challenges is to be in public. They have as much a right to be out in the world as you do. We’re not hiding autistic children at home for your comfort.

A parent of an autistic child here. Nothing about this situation says to me the child was autistic. She was corrected and she stopp ed. Seems perfectly neurotypical to me. If the mother had done it in the first place, there would be no need for OP to do it.

As a special educator with early childhood experience, the first disability that came to mind was hearing loss. Kids with hearing loss often have difficulty regulating volume because they can’t hear it.

But there are lots of toddlers, including many neurodivergent toddlers who might find it scary to have an adult come close to them, and address them directly in public. The fact that the child cried doesn’t mean that they understood what the OP was saying, or took it as a “correction”. They stopped screaming because their mouth started doing something else, in this case crying.

That isn’t to say that if the child’s parents had chosen to stop their screaming this way it wouldn’t have been fine. But OP shouldn’t have approached or addressed the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is autistic. People intervene when she's melting down in public ALL THE TIME. They think they are being helpful, either to me, or to themselves, as you thought. They are not. People need to mind their own business.

You tried to parent another person's child. A stranger's child. Without knowing what was going on. You felt entitled because you were uncomfortable. You were very much in the wrong.

+1
OP you were completely out of line not to approach the parent first if you really thought you had to intervene. My child has apraxia and will often shriek and squeal. She also has huge anxiety. I try to never bring her to places where judgey people like you will make the situation worse, but sometimes it’s unavoidable (cancelled sitters, etc). If that had been my dd you would have missed the 30 minute prep in the car before she’d even enter the store, the hour we would have spent on a social story with photos and videos before getting in the car, and then what would look like me turning a blind eye to her shrieks bc that’s the only way she could get through it. You also wouldn’t know that this was remarkably better than the last visit and each one was an improvement, and that we had a plan with her ABA and OT therapists to desensitize her to everyday things such as a store that should be no big deal but are to her. Guess what, if you had gotten in her face and corrected her like that, it would have set her back months and reinforced everything she was anxious about, so you bet I would have sworn at you. To the other judgey people, this isn’t a result of bad parenting or junk food or anything else. Her siblings are not like this and she was born this way. Everyday tasks are hard enough without encountering know it alls like you.

Your sob story really doesn't matter. When you go out in public you know people are going to be unpredictable. Your own kid is unpredictable. Buckle up, it can be wild out there. Or leave your kid at home.

Wow, aren’t you lovely. My story is far from a sob story, it’s just to try to make clueless adults aware that sometimes there is more than they realize going on there. Clearly you missed out on the compassion. Actually my child is completely predictable - it’s encountering nasty people like you that is unpredictable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who finds it strange that a toddler could understand a calm "ouch you're hurting my ears" enough to cry and then stop screaming? It just seems ...a bit far fetched.

I could literally read at that age. Are you serious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is autistic. People intervene when she's melting down in public ALL THE TIME. They think they are being helpful, either to me, or to themselves, as you thought. They are not. People need to mind their own business.

You tried to parent another person's child. A stranger's child. Without knowing what was going on. You felt entitled because you were uncomfortable. You were very much in the wrong.

If your child is shrieking in the store to the point of disturbing others, maybe it’s time to take them home. It doesn’t matter that they have autism, frankly.

I reply too soon. One of the ways that kids learn how to behave in public when they have challenges is to be in public. They have as much a right to be out in the world as you do. We’re not hiding autistic children at home for your comfort.

Then I guess a sexual deviant has a right to expose himself in public? A kleptomaniac a right to steal? A narcissist the right to verbally attack a cashier? Because their brain is wired differently?

No.

You aren’t allowed to disturb others.

That would include op

OP was not distrubing anyone. She was objecting to it. FFS. NO wonder there are so many brats out and about these days. You people are incapable of introspection and parenting.

But thier child is so special! So adorable! Her vocal cord sounds bring joy to everyone around her!

[Anonymous]

Oy. You were out of line, OP. You scared a little kid by doing that! Don't blame the child, blame the parent. If you must say something (debatable) then say it to the parent, not the child. A child that age is innocent. A child that age is reacting to their environment. What you did was to put a young child on your same level as an adult. You approached the child as an adult, and that's wrong. Putting a young child on your level is what enables abuse, because if you can approach a young child like an adult then you can say anything you want to them. --abused as a kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who finds it strange that a toddler could understand a calm "ouch you're hurting my ears" enough to cry and then stop screaming? It just seems ...a bit far fetched.

Plenty of toddlers will cry if an adult approaches them and speaks to them in public. There is no evidence that the child understood or didn’t understand what was said. They could have cried either way. The child stopped screaming because they did something else.

[Anonymous]

If I were a shopper in the store, I would’ve thanked you in my head.

The mom sounds clueless. And she’s setting her kid up for failure.

That said, it’s really impossible to tell if you were out of line without viewing the interaction. But it happened and just move on. I really wish people would just be considerate, but everything’s gone down the toilet. That mom should’ve used her energy to discipline her kid.

[Anonymous]

^^ A child holds no power. The parent holds ALL of the power. So approach the parent, not the child, because a kid that age is not in charge of anything yet, including their own developing reactions to things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is autistic. People intervene when she's melting down in public ALL THE TIME. They think they are being helpful, either to me, or to themselves, as you thought. They are not. People need to mind their own business.

You tried to parent another person's child. A stranger's child. Without knowing what was going on. You felt entitled because you were uncomfortable. You were very much in the wrong.

If your child is shrieking in the store to the point of disturbing others, maybe it’s time to take them home. It doesn’t matter that they have autism, frankly.

I reply too soon. One of the ways that kids learn how to behave in public when they have challenges is to be in public. They have as much a right to be out in the world as you do. We’re not hiding autistic children at home for your comfort.

Great, and one of the ways they learn this is through negative consequences for their bad behavior in public. So OP was doing this woman a favor if her child was autistic. She should have thanked her, not sworn at her and called her names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is autistic. People intervene when she's melting down in public ALL THE TIME. They think they are being helpful, either to me, or to themselves, as you thought. They are not. People need to mind their own business.

You tried to parent another person's child. A stranger's child. Without knowing what was going on. You felt entitled because you were uncomfortable. You were very much in the wrong.

+1
OP you were completely out of line not to approach the parent first if you really thought you had to intervene. My child has apraxia and will often shriek and squeal. She also has huge anxiety. I try to never bring her to places where judgey people like you will make the situation worse, but sometimes it’s unavoidable (cancelled sitters, etc). If that had been my dd you would have missed the 30 minute prep in the car before she’d even enter the store, the hour we would have spent on a social story with photos and videos before getting in the car, and then what would look like me turning a blind eye to her shrieks bc that’s the only way she could get through it. You also wouldn’t know that this was remarkably better than the last visit and each one was an improvement, and that we had a plan with her ABA and OT therapists to desensitize her to everyday things such as a store that should be no big deal but are to her. Guess what, if you had gotten in her face and corrected her like that, it would have set her back months and reinforced everything she was anxious about, so you bet I would have sworn at you. To the other judgey people, this isn’t a result of bad parenting or junk food or anything else. Her siblings are not like this and she was born this way. Everyday tasks are hard enough without encountering know it alls like you.

Your sob story really doesn't matter. When you go out in public you know people are going to be unpredictable. Your own kid is unpredictable. Buckle up, it can be wild out there. Or leave your kid at home.

Or perhaps those of us that can control our behavior give grace to this family that are struggling. This is not permanent impact OP. This was a brief disturbance and required patience rather than confrontation.

Thank you PP. I’m the one that this nasty person replied to. I absolutely don’t have a sob story, I just think people like the nasty reply need to realize a 5 minute encounter in the grocery store is merely a window to what is going on. They have no way of knowing the full picture and didn’t try to or even ask the adult if they needed help. Compassion and understanding go a long way. Yelling at an unknown toddler without first talking to the adult doesn’t help anyone. It’s people like this PP that make life for someone with a neurodivergent kid pure hell. Leaving my kid home for everything only perpetuates her differences. If PP had read my reply, we have a whole team of therapists working to make normal life possible. I suppose PPs like the rude one would rather anyone who doesn’t meet their standards be locked up somewhere, but I’m taking the approach of helping my daughter. For everyone else reading this who is not nasty, I just wanted to throw out there that sometimes merely a smile to the parent dealing with this can go a long way.

[Anonymous]

Screaming children are the absolute worst sound, worse than nails on a chalkboard.

Thank you for saying something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is autistic. People intervene when she's melting down in public ALL THE TIME. They think they are being helpful, either to me, or to themselves, as you thought. They are not. People need to mind their own business.

You tried to parent another person's child. A stranger's child. Without knowing what was going on. You felt entitled because you were uncomfortable. You were very much in the wrong.

+1
OP you were completely out of line not to approach the parent first if you really thought you had to intervene. My child has apraxia and will often shriek and squeal. She also has huge anxiety. I try to never bring her to places where judgey people like you will make the situation worse, but sometimes it’s unavoidable (cancelled sitters, etc). If that had been my dd you would have missed the 30 minute prep in the car before she’d even enter the store, the hour we would have spent on a social story with photos and videos before getting in the car, and then what would look like me turning a blind eye to her shrieks bc that’s the only way she could get through it. You also wouldn’t know that this was remarkably better than the last visit and each one was an improvement, and that we had a plan with her ABA and OT therapists to desensitize her to everyday things such as a store that should be no big deal but are to her. Guess what, if you had gotten in her face and corrected her like that, it would have set her back months and reinforced everything she was anxious about, so you bet I would have sworn at you. To the other judgey people, this isn’t a result of bad parenting or junk food or anything else. Her siblings are not like this and she was born this way. Everyday tasks are hard enough without encountering know it alls like you.

Your sob story really doesn't matter. When you go out in public you know people are going to be unpredictable. Your own kid is unpredictable. Buckle up, it can be wild out there. Or leave your kid at home.

Or perhaps those of us that can control our behavior give grace to this family that are struggling. This is not permanent impact OP. This was a brief disturbance and required patience rather than confrontation.

Thank you PP. I’m the one that this nasty person replied to. I absolutely don’t have a sob story, I just think people like the nasty reply need to realize a 5 minute encounter in the grocery store is merely a window to what is going on. They have no way of knowing the full picture and didn’t try to or even ask the adult if they needed help. Compassion and understanding go a long way. Yelling at an unknown toddler without first talking to the adult doesn’t help anyone. It’s people like this PP that make life for someone with a neurodivergent kid pure hell. Leaving my kid home for everything only perpetuates her differences. If PP had read my reply, we have a whole team of therapists working to make normal life possible. I suppose PPs like the rude one would rather anyone who doesn’t meet their standards be locked up somewhere, but I’m taking the approach of helping my daughter. For everyone else reading this who is not nasty, I just wanted to throw out there that sometimes merely a smile to the parent dealing with this can go a long way.

The only person yelling was the obnoxious child. Stop making up stories to blame OP for your own issues.