Why do some women think it's acceptable to get engaged without a ring?

[Anonymous]

Engagement rings are sooooo bougie.

[Anonymous]

My husband got me an engagement ring. I tried wearing it for a while. I don't feel comfortable with rings, so I just took it off after a while and never put it back on. Wish he hadn't spend the money on a thing I would not use.

Married 14 years and rings don't signify anything to me personally. If you want the world to know you are married go ahead and wear your ring. But why are you feeling sad for other people's completely personal choices? Like do you feel sad people wear unmatching clothes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not want a ring, we did decide to get married together (no proposal) and then we did. I did not want a wedding ring, I have never worn jewelry. My mom bought us rings, they cost less than $100. I lost mine on the honeymoon, he lost his a few months later.

We also had a small, inexpensive wedding. For both of us it was not about rings and it was not about the wedding, it was about the marriage.

We stayed married for 25 years.

Why aren’t you married anymore? Did he die?

No, we've been happily divorced for awhile now. We stayed married until our kids were grown. We're still friends though. It was a pretty good marriage while it lasted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this.

I hate rings and never wanted one.

I find the whole diamond industry a cartel and don’t know why anybody supports it. You got caught up in Debeers market scheme… diamond are forever, gag.

The whole showey engagement thing baffles me. Really you were surprised this wasn’t something that you guys discussed, getting married and agree that you want to? You had to be asked? And it was surprise? Or is that performative!

The whole “he’s not serious until he buys a ring” was too similar to when I bought my house “you really need a down payment to show you’re serious”. Rings always felt like a down payment you might lose if you don’t follow through.

Love how you stole my thought from earlier in the thread and pretend its yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t it sad that OP is so emotionally tied up in the idea that engagements should be inherently about a gender power imbalance?

Isn’t it great that ops sister and her husband were equal partners in their decision to get married?

Op get a life.

It’s actually about a power balance. Having to work and come up with a ring indicates he’ll work and support his family while his wife endures the ordeal of childbirth, etc. Your brand of feminism has ruined women’s lives. Women aren’t men.

I got engaged via a conversation with my DH where we decided we wanted to get married. No proposal. I decided I liked the symbolism of a ring so we bought one together a few months later, a very simple band with a small diamond because I didn't want to spend a lot of money when we were saving for a house. My DH would have bought me something more expensive, but I worried if we got a larger ring I wouldn't wear it every day, and I wanted something to remind me of him every day.

When I had a baby, my DH supported our family for 3 years while I stayed home.

My "brand" of feminism involves talking and treating each other with mutual respect, making joint decisions in which both people's priorities are considered and respected. Not blindly following traditions with the assumption that men must be entrapped into doing the right thing, and women are helpless and passive.

But you do you. I don't care one way or another what other couples do when they decide to get married, as long as everyone is consenting.

You are proving my point. Your husband would have gotten you a nice ring had you wanted that. Subsequently, he proved to be a good husband. There is a big difference between your situation and what is often happening now, which is that the woman has to be the man and the woman financially while the man is a perpetual child.

Women aren't entitled to a ring any more than men are entitled to cars (or watches). This is the problem with tradition and it taht it creates a sense of entitlement.

The tradition is that both the man and the woman wear a wedding ring. The woman gets an engagement ring but her family traditionally pays for the wedding itself. Maybe tradition isn’t for you but don’t pretend there aren’t expectations on both sides, traditionally.

DP. There are many traditions that we blithely accept and perpetuate that are rooted in patriarchy, misogyny and other toxic ideas.

When someone declines to follow 'tradition', why not pause a moment to think about the origins of that tradition and why they might be choosing to do something different.

My DH of 25+ years didn't "propose" to me. We were living together and it came about in regular discussions. He didn't buy me an engagement ring. I purchased gem stones for both of us while working overseas and had them set for both of us. I also bought our wedding rings at the same time. Neither of us wears them unless we're going to an event and, often, he does even then. He just doesn't like to wear jewelry.

[Anonymous]

OP - I feel sorry for you that your relationship with your DH was so tenuous during your dating period that you didn't think he was serious without a ring. A lot of us had stronger partnerships in dating than that. Maybe that explains your perspective; that your boyfriend/now DH was lukewarm towards you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I feel sorry for you that your relationship with your DH was so tenuous during your dating period that you didn't think he was serious without a ring. A lot of us had stronger partnerships in dating than that. Maybe that explains your perspective; that your boyfriend/now DH was lukewarm towards you.

OP here. I'm really sorry that your partner didn't respect you enough to propose or to buy you a ring. My relationship with him before marriage was fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I feel sorry for you that your relationship with your DH was so tenuous during your dating period that you didn't think he was serious without a ring. A lot of us had stronger partnerships in dating than that. Maybe that explains your perspective; that your boyfriend/now DH was lukewarm towards you.

OP here. I'm really sorry that your partner didn't respect you enough to propose or to buy you a ring. My relationship with him before marriage was fine.

Not DP, but if you're genuinely happy with your arrangement, why is your nose so far up other people's business?

[Anonymous]

Maybe they aren’t that into diamonds or jewelry period.

[Anonymous]

Huh?

I could not care less about diamond rings.

They concept of a diamond given to seal a wedding engagement was invented to sell diamonds by the diamond industry.

It works really well and has been good for the diamond industry!

Everyone still falls for it.

[Anonymous]

Lots of cool girls here. Men play the field if they can and are generally less concerned with commitment than women are. A man proposing and giving you a ring is letting you know they want to commit to you and that you're not only for a fun time. Men that don't propose with a ring don't value their partners as much. OP is right in being concerned.

My now husband dated other women before me and he wasn't really into marriage until he met me. I knew he wanted me for the long run because he planned a very romantic proposal and he's been keeping up with this after marriage. He provides for me and our children. I don't have to come home stressed out to a bunch of chores because he takes care of the financial aspects. My friends who agreed to an "equal" marriage ditching all traditions have to work and raise kids because their husbands don't make enough money or refuse being the breadwinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of cool girls here. Men play the field if they can and are generally less concerned with commitment than women are. A man proposing and giving you a ring is letting you know they want to commit to you and that you're not only for a fun time. Men that don't propose with a ring don't value their partners as much. OP is right in being concerned.

My now husband dated other women before me and he wasn't really into marriage until he met me. I knew he wanted me for the long run because he planned a very romantic proposal and he's been keeping up with this after marriage. He provides for me and our children. I don't have to come home stressed out to a bunch of chores because he takes care of the financial aspects. My friends who agreed to an "equal" marriage ditching all traditions have to work and raise kids because their husbands don't make enough money or refuse being the breadwinners.

Sounds your husband just found a sucker once he got tired of taking care of himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once we’re married our accounts will be joint. Why do I want him spending our joint money on a piece of jewelry I wouldn’t buy with my own money? The whole thing seems ridiculous to me. It made more sense when it was a way to get money out of groom’s family and also operated as some financial protection for women in the event of abandonment by the man (during the coverture rules when the marital assets all belonged to the man and he could spend them.)

Here’s an interesting historical side note. The founder of Girl Scouts founded it in her middle age, after her husband had wasted all of their money and abandoned her and moved on with his much younger girlfriend. (And I think most of to r money he wanted was her inheritance.). She then sold the jewelry he gave her as a wedding gift to have the money to start Girl Scouts. Because she had the jewelry and it was hers. That was the original purpose of all the jewelry gifts to women — hard convertible assets not covered by the coverture laws. See also the song Diamknds are a girl’s best friend — the whole point of the song is that when he ditches you because you’re getting older, you can sell the rock to pay rent. It’s basically like an old timey prenup — this is what you’ll have in the event of divorce or abandonment. I do have a small diamond that a great aunt brought from the old country when she fled her abusive spouse. It’s probably about all she took.

This made me think of Ellen Barkin's divorce from Ron Perelman. After their divorce, she sold all her jewelry from him at Christie's and made 20 million. I'm sure it was more than she got from her pre-nup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I feel sorry for you that your relationship with your DH was so tenuous during your dating period that you didn't think he was serious without a ring. A lot of us had stronger partnerships in dating than that. Maybe that explains your perspective; that your boyfriend/now DH was lukewarm towards you.

OP here. I'm really sorry that your partner didn't respect you enough to propose or to buy you a ring. My relationship with him before marriage was fine.

But did he ask your dad, because if he didn't seek your dad; 's permission? he wasn't serious about you or his role as a breadwinner if he didn't.

[Anonymous]

The olds’ hypocrisy of “The man proposes with a diamond ring on bended knee after getting permission from her father” but “I am a proud feminist” simply cannot die off soon enough.

Gag.