“Aren’t you lonely?”

[Anonymous]

I’ve had several play dates for my elementary child over the past year and I’ve gotten this question for 2 different moms who then never reciprocated the playdate. Is this because my child is an only child and they have 2-3 kids? Is it that I am SAH? I also had another person tell me that she is lonely, and then never invited me to hang out again.

Are all these lonely people? Why am I being asked if I’m lonely? The more I think about this I am bothered! Am I unconsciously putting this out there? And what do you say when people you’re hanging out with for the first time demand to know if you feel lonely?

[Anonymous]

People with multiple kids don't need playdates and aren't lonely. They're very busy and their kids have each other. I've never been asked that, and I'd never ask someone that. But, I'm also not asking someone to stick around for a playdate and I'm definitely not sticking around for a playdate. Drop off only.

[Anonymous]

The other person is lonely because she doesn't do the work, maybe. And it is a lot of work.

[Anonymous]

I had a therapist constantly insist that I felt lonely but the only thing that gives me respite is time alone and there is always someone placing a demand on my time. Even if it's a pleasant hangout with friends, it's still taxing because I just want alone time and I want it often. Someone is usually visiting on the weekend or there are kids activities and coordinating play dates, I often feel like I don't get a chance to breathe except when the kids are at school. Maybe because I am a sahm she wanted to be so insistent about that? People see the world with their own desires/goals/purpose and assume others do too. To hear friends talk, I am 100% sure we view the world differently and it's informed by the way we are raised, our experiences, priorities and our politics. I feel a lot of bad feelings like anger, depression, fear, shame, guilt, self pity, doubt, second thoughts and many more but there are a couple that are rare (like years can go by): loneliness and envy. Being with friends is fun, energizing and leaves me with satisfaction but nothing compares to time alone and it often feels like the world is conspiring to take that from me. I could say that until I'm blue in the face and some people just don't get it.
I have friends who claim they never have doubts because they make a decision and stick to it, and that seems impossible but I know they are built so differently that I believe them. I don't insist that they have to be consumed with doubt, especially if they have a good life.

[Anonymous]

Are you an introvert?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with multiple kids don't need playdates and aren't lonely. They're very busy and their kids have each other. I've never been asked that, and I'd never ask someone that. But, I'm also not asking someone to stick around for a playdate and I'm definitely not sticking around for a playdate. Drop off only.

I haven’t asked anyone to hang around, but the first invite I always say something like “You’re welcome to stay or drop off, whatever you are comfortable with” and most people opt to stay for an hour or the whole time. I just don’t know what it is about me leading people one step up from strangers to ask me if I’m lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with multiple kids don't need playdates and aren't lonely. They're very busy and their kids have each other. I've never been asked that, and I'd never ask someone that. But, I'm also not asking someone to stick around for a playdate and I'm definitely not sticking around for a playdate. Drop off only.

I haven’t asked anyone to hang around, but the first invite I always say something like “You’re welcome to stay or drop off, whatever you are comfortable with” and most people opt to stay for an hour or the whole time. I just don’t know what it is about me leading people one step up from strangers to ask me if I’m lonely.

Your kids must be 5 or under

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you an introvert?

I’m an introvert and we don’t have family in state while I guess most of the area people have family within an hour or two. I have no idea what is driving the lonely comments. Is there some secret kindergarten moms gathering every month I haven’t been privy to or something? I do volunteer occasionally at school and recently was a classroom party helper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with multiple kids don't need playdates and aren't lonely. They're very busy and their kids have each other. I've never been asked that, and I'd never ask someone that. But, I'm also not asking someone to stick around for a playdate and I'm definitely not sticking around for a playdate. Drop off only.

I haven’t asked anyone to hang around, but the first invite I always say something like “You’re welcome to stay or drop off, whatever you are comfortable with” and most people opt to stay for an hour or the whole time. I just don’t know what it is about me leading people one step up from strangers to ask me if I’m lonely.

Your kids must be 5 or under

Kindergarten. And nobody knows us because we are among a handful of newer people at the school, so I understand people wanting to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an introvert?

I’m an introvert and we don’t have family in state while I guess most of the area people have family within an hour or two. I have no idea what is driving the lonely comments. Is there some secret kindergarten moms gathering every month I haven’t been privy to or something? I do volunteer occasionally at school and recently was a classroom party helper.

I think introverts can give off a vibe that makes extroverts think they are lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an introvert?

I’m an introvert and we don’t have family in state while I guess most of the area people have family within an hour or two. I have no idea what is driving the lonely comments. Is there some secret kindergarten moms gathering every month I haven’t been privy to or something? I do volunteer occasionally at school and recently was a classroom party helper.

I think introverts can give off a vibe that makes extroverts think they are lonely.

I maybe feel taken aback because nobody has said that to my face, let alone 3 separate people talking about loneliness.

[Anonymous]

That's a really weird and rude thing to say. I would assume it's about them (processing their own choices) and not about you, but I would be annoyed.

BTW, social busy people can be lonely too, because loneliness is about connection not proximity. I'm a WAH mom of 1 and not lonely, but I have been lonely at other times in my life when I didn't have emotional connections.

[Anonymous]

OP come on. This is not a normal thing to say without any context and I'm 100% certain no one said this to you out of the blue.

What were you talking about when they said this? Are you a single mom? Does your husband go away for work a lot? Were you talking about how you don't have a lot of family or friends close by? Were you talking about the fact that your kid is an only child?

Speculating without this information is just stupid.

[Anonymous]

"Nope, but I'm always open to making new friends!" would be my answer.

[Anonymous]

That is an unusual comment to make, not to mention 3 times. Are you, in fact, lonely?

It’s sounding like you are. It’s rude for them to ask that and not suggest how you can connect with others.

As to what prompts them to say this—you haven’t described the circumstance—how long is the chat before they make that remark? Maybe you said your DH works long hours? Maybe your energy? Just because you’re an introvert doesn’t mean you’ll get that remark or are lonely.