Stress and college in hindsight

[Anonymous]

How much pressure did you apply on your kids to get great SAT scores, pick most challenging courses, right. ECs…? Do you think it paid off in the end to do things the way you did? If you did not stress about it and kids went to cc, a college with easy admissions, do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

Me? None. I dropped out of college and have a very high HHI so I don’t push at all. They can make their own path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me? None. I dropped out of college and have a very high HHI so I don’t push at all. They can make their own path.

How did you achieve that? Not related to the question but I am curious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me? None. I dropped out of college and have a very high HHI so I don’t push at all. They can make their own path.

Not PP, but I am curious too. My DD is finishing her freshman year and does not want to back. Had roommate issues; never found a core group; decided her selected major is not what she wants to do; is now undecided.

I don’t want to pressure her but not sure what the options are other than get a low wage job while she figures it out. Are there any counselors who can help with this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me? None. I dropped out of college and have a very high HHI so I don’t push at all. They can make their own path.

I think this POV is just as biased and potentially damaging as the other extreme of parents who went to Ivy and demand Ivy from their kid. Just because you won the life lottery and or were lucky enough to catch a shooting star in your career/field, that does not mean your kids are set up to do the same. My BIL did what you did and is super successful by his own making. Did not encourage or advocate education for his kids, it’s fine if they ‘go anywhere, whatever’. It worked out fine for the two sons. The daughter, left unguided, has D’s and F’s at the school she now knows she should not have picked. She does not have any kind of ‘path’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me? None. I dropped out of college and have a very high HHI so I don’t push at all. They can make their own path.

Not PP, but I am curious too. My DD is finishing her freshman year and does not want to back. Had roommate issues; never found a core group; decided her selected major is not what she wants to do; is now undecided.

I don’t want to pressure her but not sure what the options are other than get a low wage job while she figures it out. Are there any counselors who can help with this situation?

That is a real shame. This is why people join greek life. I know people on this board hate it but it gives you a large group of people to get to know on a much closer level. My DD is no longer friends with anyone who she was friends with in her freshman year, except those in her sorority. She was just lamenting to me the other day that she wants to go to a mixer than her sorority was having with a fraternity and none of her "friend group" wanted to go. I said you have 150 other friends in that sorority, just go and have fun. And she did. Whenever I hear someone say they "never found their group" I am reminded how thankful I am that I and actually both my kids rushed. if not for those people, our world of friends would have been very very small.

I wish her the best of luck. Another way to make a group of friends is in clubs and sports, which I'm sure you know. Hopefully she will give those a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me? None. I dropped out of college and have a very high HHI so I don’t push at all. They can make their own path.

I think this POV is just as biased and potentially damaging as the other extreme of parents who went to Ivy and demand Ivy from their kid. Just because you won the life lottery and or were lucky enough to catch a shooting star in your career/field, that does not mean your kids are set up to do the same. My BIL did what you did and is super successful by his own making. Did not encourage or advocate education for his kids, it’s fine if they ‘go anywhere, whatever’. It worked out fine for the two sons. The daughter, left unguided, has D’s and F’s at the school she now knows she should not have picked. She does not have any kind of ‘path’.

This daughter would have struggled if she had high expectations on her too it sounds like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much pressure did you apply on your kids to get great SAT scores, pick most challenging courses, right. ECs…? Do you think it paid off in the end to do things the way you did? If you did not stress about it and kids went to cc, a college with easy admissions, do you regret it?

To get back to the original question - I was in the latter category (didn't stress, DD had OK grades and attended a college that many in the college discussion board have dismissed as a "safety" or "mid-tier" school). No regrets at all. She had a wonderful experience, had interesting internships and a great study abroad semester, and is now gainfully employee in her chosen field.

[Anonymous]

We didn't stress about it and both kids went to "West Coast Ivies." The kids stressed during midterms and finals. I didn't put pressure on them. Some kids are self-driven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We didn't stress about it and both kids went to "West Coast Ivies." The kids stressed during midterms and finals. I didn't put pressure on them. Some kids are self-driven.

I know so many parents who claim this and it’s never true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much pressure did you apply on your kids to get great SAT scores, pick most challenging courses, right. ECs…? Do you think it paid off in the end to do things the way you did? If you did not stress about it and kids went to cc, a college with easy admissions, do you regret it?

To get back to the original question - I was in the latter category (didn't stress, DD had OK grades and attended a college that many in the college discussion board have dismissed as a "safety" or "mid-tier" school). No regrets at all. She had a wonderful experience, had interesting internships and a great study abroad semester, and is now gainfully employee in her chosen field.

This was our experience. There are many, many kids who fall between the tippy top of the class with 1600 SAT scores, 15 AP classes, 3 varsity sports and national level awards and kids who have no choice but to go to community college. My son got more As than Bs, took a mix of regular, honors and a handful of APs, got a 34 on the ACT without doing prep for it, played zero sports, and had a very stress free college application process despite only being in the top quarter of his class and not being very driven academically. He would have been absolutely miserable grinding his way through AP English or History or taking 5 years of a foreign language so he didnt do those things. He spent his free time on music.

He's in grad school now, happily studying the one subject that interests him.

[Anonymous]

In terms of parenting, I felt fortunate that I had grown up in the DMV and had taken AP classes. I figured at 17, I wasn't much different than my own children are at 17. I remember the stress. I felt very confident guiding their course selection rather than relying on a HS counselor or what other students were doing.

[Anonymous]

We did not put a lot of stress on them but we often spoke to them about the the importance of getting a good education if you want to succeed. My husband and I both had MBAs from top schools and very successful careers. Our two older kids were very self motivated and worked hard. Our youngest’s lightbulb went on in her junior year of HS when she realized how well her siblings had done and that she needed to kick it into gear which she did. All three have been very successful and happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn't stress about it and both kids went to "West Coast Ivies." The kids stressed during midterms and finals. I didn't put pressure on them. Some kids are self-driven.

I know so many parents who claim this and it’s never true.

You're not intimately familiar with our family dynamics or our kids so you wouldn't know. My son was always serious about his studies and in early elementary would cry about things not being perfect. My oldest DD was sloppy and didn't care at all until 6th grade when she pulled it together and became a straight A student. We were supportive in that we would let them slide on chores the week before and of midterms/finals, and always provided snacks for sustenance and offered to hire tutors when they felt it was needed, but otherwise we aimed to be supportive rather than cracking the whip.

I went through school with a few kids whose parents put a ton of pressure on them and one refused to go to college, one wound up getting pregnant in college and her parents reaction (she thinks) caused her to miscarry, and then she had a nervous breakdown and took a couple years off before going back to school, and one did an Into the Wild after graduating from college and refused to talk to his parents for a decade. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn't stress about it and both kids went to "West Coast Ivies." The kids stressed during midterms and finals. I didn't put pressure on them. Some kids are self-driven.

I know so many parents who claim this and it’s never true.

You're not intimately familiar with our family dynamics or our kids so you wouldn't know. My son was always serious about his studies and in early elementary would cry about things not being perfect. My oldest DD was sloppy and didn't care at all until 6th grade when she pulled it together and became a straight A student. We were supportive in that we would let them slide on chores the week before and of midterms/finals, and always provided snacks for sustenance and offered to hire tutors when they felt it was needed, but otherwise we aimed to be supportive rather than cracking the whip.

I went through school with a few kids whose parents put a ton of pressure on them and one refused to go to college, one wound up getting pregnant in college and her parents reaction (she thinks) caused her to miscarry, and then she had a nervous breakdown and took a couple years off before going back to school, and one did an Into the Wild after graduating from college and refused to talk to his parents for a decade. Not worth it.

actually being supportive and being a role model of success is pressuring kids the right way-- cracking the whip is pressuring kids the wrong way--but both are pressuring kids-lets be honest....-