Stress and college in hindsight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn't stress about it and both kids went to "West Coast Ivies." The kids stressed during midterms and finals. I didn't put pressure on them. Some kids are self-driven.

I know so many parents who claim this and it’s never true.

You're not intimately familiar with our family dynamics or our kids so you wouldn't know. My son was always serious about his studies and in early elementary would cry about things not being perfect. My oldest DD was sloppy and didn't care at all until 6th grade when she pulled it together and became a straight A student. We were supportive in that we would let them slide on chores the week before and of midterms/finals, and always provided snacks for sustenance and offered to hire tutors when they felt it was needed, but otherwise we aimed to be supportive rather than cracking the whip.

I went through school with a few kids whose parents put a ton of pressure on them and one refused to go to college, one wound up getting pregnant in college and her parents reaction (she thinks) caused her to miscarry, and then she had a nervous breakdown and took a couple years off before going back to school, and one did an Into the Wild after graduating from college and refused to talk to his parents for a decade. Not worth it.

actually being supportive and being a role model of success is pressuring kids the right way-- cracking the whip is pressuring kids the wrong way--but both are pressuring kids-lets be honest....-

PP here--because guiding and pressuring can be used for the same concept in regards to parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn't stress about it and both kids went to "West Coast Ivies." The kids stressed during midterms and finals. I didn't put pressure on them. Some kids are self-driven.

I know so many parents who claim this and it’s never true.

You're not intimately familiar with our family dynamics or our kids so you wouldn't know. My son was always serious about his studies and in early elementary would cry about things not being perfect. My oldest DD was sloppy and didn't care at all until 6th grade when she pulled it together and became a straight A student. We were supportive in that we would let them slide on chores the week before and of midterms/finals, and always provided snacks for sustenance and offered to hire tutors when they felt it was needed, but otherwise we aimed to be supportive rather than cracking the whip.

I went through school with a few kids whose parents put a ton of pressure on them and one refused to go to college, one wound up getting pregnant in college and her parents reaction (she thinks) caused her to miscarry, and then she had a nervous breakdown and took a couple years off before going back to school, and one did an Into the Wild after graduating from college and refused to talk to his parents for a decade. Not worth it.

actually being supportive and being a role model of success is pressuring kids the right way-- cracking the whip is pressuring kids the wrong way--but both are pressuring kids-lets be honest....-

PP here--because guiding and pressuring can be used for the same concept in regards to parenting

its kid of like the good coach vs the bad coach--but both are coaches and are looking for results-to claim you did nothing is disingenuous at best

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn't stress about it and both kids went to "West Coast Ivies." The kids stressed during midterms and finals. I didn't put pressure on them. Some kids are self-driven.

I know so many parents who claim this and it’s never true.

Well it’s true for us. First kid super driven, stretched herself thin with ECs, aimed super high in college and if anything I was trying to pull her back sometimes for her crazy high expectations for herself. Second kid happy and solid but very middle-of-the-pack academically, needs the periodic check in on schoolwork but mostly gets stuff done. Kid #1 at HYP, kid #2 still in HS but will for sure end up at someplace way more accessible

[Anonymous]

During HS I insisted they do a formal sport (school or local) each year, and I explained this was because absent extraordinary grades and scores, they would need to demonstrate to an admissions committee that they had something to offer the school community when they filled out college applications. (I'm a HSYP grad and have a doctorate from a top university, so in DC's eyes, I have cred in this area.) We sent DC to a very high rigor HS but didn't push to get top grades. I made DC take the SAT a second time, but should have insisted they work with a tutor. Nonetheless, they did do well enough to show that they were capable of much more than their average GPA revealed. (Be aware that most non-competitive public schools don't weight GPAs to reflect rigor. They will value the A earned by a kid who took the easiest class higher than the B- of a kid in a rigorous course. SLACs review holistically.)

At one point I bribed DC with an expensive summer camp to keep them from stopping a sport they were very good at mid-semester. In the fall of senior year when DC was waiting to hear back from their reach schools, they conceded that they were glad I'd made them stick it out and do all these things. DC is now at a highly selective school that is perfect for them and has started talking with younger cousins about what they need to do if they want to attend a college like theirs.

[Anonymous]

I was under an insane amount of pressure. SATs, ACTs, GPA, college choices, everything. None of it came from my parents, they would have been fine with me going to a basic state college or community college. But I wanted more for myself and coming from a low income family, I knew getting into a top college that would make it affordable was up to me. College felt like a cakewalk to me compared to high school, not that I didn't have high stress weeks but I had a lot more energy to spare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much pressure did you apply on your kids to get great SAT scores, pick most challenging courses, right. ECs…? Do you think it paid off in the end to do things the way you did? If you did not stress about it and kids went to cc, a college with easy admissions, do you regret it?

We set expectations that they take the rigorous classes at their public schools and make As. I wouldn't say it was pressure. We knew our 3 kids could do it and needed the hard work and the regular classes were not a good education. We didn't send them to private so maybe it would have been different if we did. We didn't have expectations for test scores at all but encouraged them to prep if they wanted a good score. We also expected ECs in terms of doing things with their time but less so for purposes of college, though dcs knew ECs were important for that. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Stressing other people, especially children (which teens still are) is NEVER a smart move.

Motivate is different than stress.

The key is to figure out if your child is trying their best. If they are (which may not set them up for selective college admissions, or what others can achieve), you need to help them accept that. And feel proud that they are applying themselves to the best of their ability. That is called unconditional love and represents healthy parenting.

Anything less can have serious mental health implications for your child.

[Anonymous]

Yes,
I wish I did the free range kind of parenting and they were going to end up the same.
My nieces and nephews were free range kids and ended up about the same trajectory like my kids.

[Anonymous]

Education is a gift

Learning should be taught as something to love.

In our house we taught our children to love learning. Did we stress grades yes but learning the material was more important

It’s a fine line to not stress kids out and have them be self motivated and independent

We did push every child of ours to the best college they could attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much pressure did you apply on your kids to get great SAT scores, pick most challenging courses, right. ECs…? Do you think it paid off in the end to do things the way you did? If you did not stress about it and kids went to cc, a college with easy admissions, do you regret it?

Moderate pressure. It paid off well for them but in hindsight, they would've done fine without high GPA and SAT as well.

As long as kids are average B students, make it to local community college than transfer to university and then grad/professional school or workplace, they'll be fine. Having confidence and reading/writing/analyzing/speaking/time management are real skills.

[Anonymous]

Social influence works as well, you don't have to repeat as often because they are hearing same message from friends, their parents, teachers and extended family as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes,
I wish I did the free range kind of parenting and they were going to end up the same.
My nieces and nephews were free range kids and ended up about the same trajectory like my kids.

I see the same in my circle.

[Anonymous]

So many anecdotes about failure, but these can happen regardless of parental attitude and expectations. I know plenty of kids with minimal expectations who did great and vice versa. Love your kids, provide advice and guidance, but don't make their life stressful with your expectations. It's one thing to provide advice and guidance and quite another to send the message "it's only acceptable for you do achieve X"

[Anonymous]

A lot of the pressure comes from their peers.

They count how many APs, for example, their childhood friends are taking. Pick your community wisely because it is hard to go against the perceptions of those who surround them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes,
I wish I did the free range kind of parenting and they were going to end up the same.
My nieces and nephews were free range kids and ended up about the same trajectory like my kids.

I see the same in my circle.

Not so in my circle. The tiger parents who insisted on high SAT/GPA and Ivy schools have kids that are CRUSHING IT in tech/finance/med school/consulting. The "free range kids" went to colleges that weren't as highly ranked and are in jobs that don't pay as well.