Sister keeps putting off divorce

[Anonymous]

Every week we get an emotional family text: this is the week she's filing, this is her last-ever therapy appointment, etc.
Then, the day comes and goes and she says she needs just one more appointment or was looking at photos and feeling sentimental.
She and her spouse live separately, her therapist and even her doctor have urged her to divorce him for a variety of reasons, and she is veering into bankruptcy due to his gambling addiction. But she won't file.
How can I be supportive without being enabling? I want to listen and help, but I can't pretend to psyche her up each week and then just get a text saying she isn't doing it. Is now the time for tough love? I have tried "I'll be here whenever you need me" but then it's a ramped up drama each week preparing to file and then she doesn't do it. I am struggling to be there for her in a way that is empathetic but also useful.

[Anonymous]

Have you gently and nonjudgmentally pointed out that you’ve noticed she’s said this many times but not followed through and asked her what is different “this time?” Or said something like, I can’t imagine how hard this must be. I know you’ve come very close to filing for divorce many times but haven’t actually done it - would you like help from someone to go through with it or is it more helpful if we just let you know we love you and we’re here for you whenever you decide it’s right for you?

[Anonymous]

“I love you and I’m here for you but I’ve said all I can say on this topic and the ball is in your court. Until you go through with it, I can talk about other things, but not this. I’m not mad, but you know what to do and I love you so it’s hard to see you not do it.”

And stick to it!

[Anonymous]

That was my sister for years. Honestly, I mostly stopped responding.I would offer her short, brief encouragement from time to time, but I stopped engaging in the cycle of validation of her drama and complaints.

And you have to find a way to detach yourself. You can be supportive, but detach so you don't feel emotionally weighed down by her offloading. You cannot fix your sister, you cannot fix her marriage or relationship, and ALL of it is out of your control. Don't absorb her drama because it simply isn't your stuff.

[Anonymous]

9:26 nailed it.

I went through this with my sister for YEARS. Every time things were bad, she would call me to vent about how awful things were, how unhappy she was, and every bit of emotional support and/or practical advice I gave (yes this all sounds awful, think about what it is teaching your kids, you can do this, go consult with a lawyer, start saving money, don't quit your job, don't sell the house you brought into the marriage ...) just went into a black hole/fell into deaf ears. And then she would go radio-silent when things were okay/tolerable for weeks or months, because she didn't want to talk to me and be reminded of how bad it was and have me ask if she had followed through on anything to get herself out of the situation before the next blow-up.

I would get so frustrated, because it felt like she was using the emotional support to feel better/feel justified/feel right but also actively self-sabotaging all the things that would have actually made it a bit easier for her to get out of the marriage. After years and years of watching her do this, it became easier to detach because I was tired of getting sucked into her emotional rollercoaster. I would get so worried and worked up because she'd tell me all this stuff, wait for her to do something (because it if was that bad, she HAD to do something to get out the situation, right?!) and then she'd just expect me to ignore it all when she wanted me to. Eventually it came to a head for her and she's now in the process of getting divorced. But she had to get to that point herself and nothing I said was going to get her there, even if everything I told her was true and/or sound advice.

Stop trying to psyche your sister up/encourage her. When you get the texts from her, respond with something short/non-committal (good luck, I love you, etc.). Same response each time. I wouldn't go the "tough love" either, because then she'll probably just turn it around and take her emotions out on you for not being supportive (which also gives her an excuse to not go forward with the divorce because she "doesn't have enough family support"). She's an adult and has to make her own decisions, mistakes, etc and you just have to distance yourself emotionally from being invested in her choices.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to respond to every text. Just let her babble on and on.

[Anonymous]

I the OTHER sister. Now I am out of the poor marriage and happy. But I feel bad about weighing down my family during that period of my life. At least two people (closest sister and a friend) put done boundaries — and I actually loved it. It was what I needed to hear.

People also become desperate and dependent on others during bad personal times. At least I did. I agree with the above posts. you will manage it. You are a good sister!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to respond to every text. Just let her babble on and on.

This. (I am poster who was the other sister). Just let her get it out. Sometimes people need a witness. She wants to write down her feelings. You don’t need to even read it in a moment. (Just put it aside).

[Anonymous]

That’s so difficult.

She’ll still be on the hook for his debts and may even have to pay him child support or alimony

[Anonymous]

She’ll likely gearing up for a terrible costly and high conflict divorce with a selfish gambling narcissist.

It’s hell on earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I love you and I’m here for you but I’ve said all I can say on this topic and the ball is in your court. Until you go through with it, I can talk about other things, but not this. I’m not mad, but you know what to do and I love you so it’s hard to see you not do it.”

And stick to it!

This. I am similar to your sister and this is what my friends and family have said to me. I wish I could vent to them when I’m feeling down but I know they are sick of it. It’s on me to fix my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to respond to every text. Just let her babble on and on.

Exactly. I respond with an emoji. Be happy that you can do this over text. I remember my mom had to deal with her sister back in the 80s, and it was all on the phone. Hours of wasted time on my moms part to be her sister's emotional support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I love you and I’m here for you but I’ve said all I can say on this topic and the ball is in your court. Until you go through with it, I can talk about other things, but not this. I’m not mad, but you know what to do and I love you so it’s hard to see you not do it.”

And stick to it!

I had to do this with my sister when she was about to up and quit her job and move cross country with a borderline mentally abusive philandering a-hole who she kept telling me she was breaking up with. I spent so much time talking to her about the situation and she’d psych herself up to leave him, but then he’d apologize.

I eventually had an I love you, you know how I feel, I think this is a huge mistake and u cannot discuss this anymore convo. I think being an endless sounding board enables them to talk themselves into circles and not leave.

Thankfully my sister wasn’t married, there were no kids, and no shared finances. She came to her senses and finally dumped him before moving.

Obviously divorce is more complex, but OP’s sister seems to have paralysis by analysis at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I the OTHER sister. Now I am out of the poor marriage and happy. But I feel bad about weighing down my family during that period of my life. At least two people (closest sister and a friend) put done boundaries — and I actually loved it. It was what I needed to hear.

People also become desperate and dependent on others during bad personal times. At least I did. I agree with the above posts. you will manage it. You are a good sister!

I was in a horrible relationship as well and having people to vent to was enabling it. When two people I respected stopped listening to my venting, it hurt, but I think it started the process of me getting out of the toxic situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:26 nailed it.

I went through this with my sister for YEARS. Every time things were bad, she would call me to vent about how awful things were, how unhappy she was, and every bit of emotional support and/or practical advice I gave (yes this all sounds awful, think about what it is teaching your kids, you can do this, go consult with a lawyer, start saving money, don't quit your job, don't sell the house you brought into the marriage ...) just went into a black hole/fell into deaf ears. And then she would go radio-silent when things were okay/tolerable for weeks or months, because she didn't want to talk to me and be reminded of how bad it was and have me ask if she had followed through on anything to get herself out of the situation before the next blow-up.

I would get so frustrated, because it felt like she was using the emotional support to feel better/feel justified/feel right but also actively self-sabotaging all the things that would have actually made it a bit easier for her to get out of the marriage. After years and years of watching her do this, it became easier to detach because I was tired of getting sucked into her emotional rollercoaster. I would get so worried and worked up because she'd tell me all this stuff, wait for her to do something (because it if was that bad, she HAD to do something to get out the situation, right?!) and then she'd just expect me to ignore it all when she wanted me to. Eventually it came to a head for her and she's now in the process of getting divorced. But she had to get to that point herself and nothing I said was going to get her there, even if everything I told her was true and/or sound advice.

Stop trying to psyche your sister up/encourage her. When you get the texts from her, respond with something short/non-committal (good luck, I love you, etc.). Same response each time. I wouldn't go the "tough love" either, because then she'll probably just turn it around and take her emotions out on you for not being supportive (which also gives her an excuse to not go forward with the divorce because she "doesn't have enough family support"). She's an adult and has to make her own decisions, mistakes, etc and you just have to distance yourself emotionally from being invested in her choices.

Thank you so much for this. I’m a DP but this has helped fortify the stance I am currently taking with my sister. It’s too much.