Anonymous wrote:9:26 nailed it.
I went through this with my sister for YEARS. Every time things were bad, she would call me to vent about how awful things were, how unhappy she was, and every bit of emotional support and/or practical advice I gave (yes this all sounds awful, think about what it is teaching your kids, you can do this, go consult with a lawyer, start saving money, don't quit your job, don't sell the house you brought into the marriage ...) just went into a black hole/fell into deaf ears. And then she would go radio-silent when things were okay/tolerable for weeks or months, because she didn't want to talk to me and be reminded of how bad it was and have me ask if she had followed through on anything to get herself out of the situation before the next blow-up.
I would get so frustrated, because it felt like she was using the emotional support to feel better/feel justified/feel right but also actively self-sabotaging all the things that would have actually made it a bit easier for her to get out of the marriage. After years and years of watching her do this, it became easier to detach because I was tired of getting sucked into her emotional rollercoaster. I would get so worried and worked up because she'd tell me all this stuff, wait for her to do something (because it if was that bad, she HAD to do something to get out the situation, right?!) and then she'd just expect me to ignore it all when she wanted me to. Eventually it came to a head for her and she's now in the process of getting divorced. But she had to get to that point herself and nothing I said was going to get her there, even if everything I told her was true and/or sound advice.
Stop trying to psyche your sister up/encourage her. When you get the texts from her, respond with something short/non-committal (good luck, I love you, etc.). Same response each time. I wouldn't go the "tough love" either, because then she'll probably just turn it around and take her emotions out on you for not being supportive (which also gives her an excuse to not go forward with the divorce because she "doesn't have enough family support"). She's an adult and has to make her own decisions, mistakes, etc and you just have to distance yourself emotionally from being invested in her choices.
That's exactly my situation. Somehow seeing and spending time with me reminds my sister of her traumatic separation, but she is now A-OK being around and back together with the man who put her in the traumatic situation. I AM DONE. My only question is, how do you detach if you have niecas and nephews that you love?
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