Guilt trip or not?

[Anonymous]

'd love advice. I try to call my widowed father every night, and my young kids talk to him too. He looks forward to it every evening. However, sometimes life gets in the way and we just miss a call -- and when we do, he guilt trips me. Last night, my husband and I were in a fight, my son was having a meltdown about homework, and it was just a busy night. We couldn't call. So he texted: HEY! Then 10 minutes later: HEY!!!
I replied that we couldn't call because we were busy and please not to yell. He replied: "Not yelling, whining. Is everything ok?" It just made me more mad. I feel like I can't "miss" a night even for a good reason without explaining myself. I was already stressed about what was going on within my *own* family and my kids' whining. I have yet to respond. Any ideas? He has no cognitive or physical health issues. He just lives alone and is lonesome, which I understand.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this doesn't work for you, even on the nights where things are calm and you can call. What doesn't work is the expectation and the ability to call every single day. When it doesn't work, your resentment flares. As Brene Brown says, better to create boundaries than resentments. When you're not mad, call your Dad, tell him how much you love him, but that it's not going to be possible for you to call every day. Then let him know what does work (e.g., we'll call a couple of days a week, but it has to be on an unpredictable schedule, or please call, but if I don't pick up, it means I'm busy - if you're having an emergency just text, and otherwise, know that I'll get back to you as soon as I can). Anyway, I can feel the resentment coming through the post, as well as the love for your Dad. You just need to rebalance.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, that seems like a mild, humorous comment on his part. You were having a tough night. If you’d been in a better space you would’ve texted him back “Crazy night, all is OK but can’t talk. Look forward to chatting tomorrow. :* have a good evening!”

Hope today is better, OP.

[Anonymous]

I have that situation with my parents. They are abroad and we have a long call every Sunday AM. If for some reason I miss it my mom will call 20 times in a row and my dad guilt trips. It does drive me absolutely crazy.

[Anonymous]

You're doing a nice thing, calling him daily. But I can totally see how it not working out one time shouldn't result in this type of response. I would spend a few minutes looking at it from his end. He has NO idea what's going on in your house, or that you are stressed. He is just sitting at home, waiting for you to call, and then feeling anxious when you don't.

I'd work at making it *less* regular. Call on your way to work, or on a mid-day walk. If it's a bit more unpredictable, he won't be waiting by the phone for every single call. Still do the evening calls sometimes, of course, but it'll be good for him to not be hanging around waiting for this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:'d love advice. I try to call my widowed father every night, and my young kids talk to him too. He looks forward to it every evening. However, sometimes life gets in the way and we just miss a call -- and when we do, he guilt trips me. Last night, my husband and I were in a fight, my son was having a meltdown about homework, and it was just a busy night. We couldn't call. So he texted: HEY! Then 10 minutes later: HEY!!!
I replied that we couldn't call because we were busy and please not to yell. He replied: "Not yelling, whining. Is everything ok?" It just made me more mad. I feel like I can't "miss" a night even for a good reason without explaining myself. I was already stressed about what was going on within my *own* family and my kids' whining. I have yet to respond. Any ideas? He has no cognitive or physical health issues. He just lives alone and is lonesome, which I understand.

I mean this kindly. I don't think you DO understand. He's by himself. Alone. Likely in his golden years. Maybe retired? Friends/family dying around him. Life is sort of . . . . behind him. So, no, you don't understand that degree of lonely and I hope for your sake you will extend him more compassion than your post indicates. That doesn't mean call him every night. I get it. Life happens and your busy. But it's your father. Your family. He misses you. He's lonely.

I swear to god, I seem to be having these discussions with so many people lately. And it is so evident how difficult, and compassion-less, it is for people to grow old in this country. So little respect, understanding, or concern for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're doing a nice thing, calling him daily. But I can totally see how it not working out one time shouldn't result in this type of response. I would spend a few minutes looking at it from his end. He has NO idea what's going on in your house, or that you are stressed. He is just sitting at home, waiting for you to call, and then feeling anxious when you don't.

I'd work at making it *less* regular. Call on your way to work, or on a mid-day walk. If it's a bit more unpredictable, he won't be waiting by the phone for every single call. Still do the evening calls sometimes, of course, but it'll be good for him to not be hanging around waiting for this too.

You're going to call a lonely father LESS because it annoys you? How petty. How disrespectful. What is wrong with you people?

I'd suggest the opposite. Texting him (silly things, memes/jokes/pics) instead of the once/day call. He'll have that connection daily w/o the calls and feel included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this doesn't work for you, even on the nights where things are calm and you can call. What doesn't work is the expectation and the ability to call every single day. When it doesn't work, your resentment flares. As Brene Brown says, better to create boundaries than resentments. When you're not mad, call your Dad, tell him how much you love him, but that it's not going to be possible for you to call every day. Then let him know what does work (e.g., we'll call a couple of days a week, but it has to be on an unpredictable schedule, or please call, but if I don't pick up, it means I'm busy - if you're having an emergency just text, and otherwise, know that I'll get back to you as soon as I can). Anyway, I can feel the resentment coming through the post, as well as the love for your Dad. You just need to rebalance.

+100 Change the boundaries. Call when calm, show lots of love, and maybe change expectation to once a week or less, but you may do "bonus calls" now and then. That way, it's a happy surprise if you do more, rather than fury because it's not every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this doesn't work for you, even on the nights where things are calm and you can call. What doesn't work is the expectation and the ability to call every single day. When it doesn't work, your resentment flares. As Brene Brown says, better to create boundaries than resentments. When you're not mad, call your Dad, tell him how much you love him, but that it's not going to be possible for you to call every day. Then let him know what does work (e.g., we'll call a couple of days a week, but it has to be on an unpredictable schedule, or please call, but if I don't pick up, it means I'm busy - if you're having an emergency just text, and otherwise, know that I'll get back to you as soon as I can). Anyway, I can feel the resentment coming through the post, as well as the love for your Dad. You just need to rebalance.

+100 Change the boundaries. Call when calm, show lots of love, and maybe change expectation to once a week or less, but you may do "bonus calls" now and then. That way, it's a happy surprise if you do more, rather than fury because it's not every day.

Sad that people do not want to be part of their elderly parents' lives, or speak to them on a regular basis, but instead view their interactions as a checked box in a day. So sad. And forgetful of the time, money, and love they gave you as a child and when you needed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:'d love advice. I try to call my widowed father every night, and my young kids talk to him too. He looks forward to it every evening. However, sometimes life gets in the way and we just miss a call -- and when we do, he guilt trips me. Last night, my husband and I were in a fight, my son was having a meltdown about homework, and it was just a busy night. We couldn't call. So he texted: HEY! Then 10 minutes later: HEY!!!
I replied that we couldn't call because we were busy and please not to yell. He replied: "Not yelling, whining. Is everything ok?" It just made me more mad. I feel like I can't "miss" a night even for a good reason without explaining myself. I was already stressed about what was going on within my *own* family and my kids' whining. I have yet to respond. Any ideas? He has no cognitive or physical health issues. He just lives alone and is lonesome, which I understand.

I mean this kindly. I don't think you DO understand. He's by himself. Alone. Likely in his golden years. Maybe retired? Friends/family dying around him. Life is sort of . . . . behind him. So, no, you don't understand that degree of lonely and I hope for your sake you will extend him more compassion than your post indicates. That doesn't mean call him every night. I get it. Life happens and your busy. But it's your father. Your family. He misses you. He's lonely.

I swear to god, I seem to be having these discussions with so many people lately. And it is so evident how difficult, and compassion-less, it is for people to grow old in this country. So little respect, understanding, or concern for them.

I'm the OP. And with respect, I do understand. I also have young children and a demanding job and might not be able to call nightly and don't need to get yelled at in a text when I don't. I wish people didn't automatically assume the worst of others. I'm doing my best. Most working daughters are. Extend compassion and goodwill to US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this doesn't work for you, even on the nights where things are calm and you can call. What doesn't work is the expectation and the ability to call every single day. When it doesn't work, your resentment flares. As Brene Brown says, better to create boundaries than resentments. When you're not mad, call your Dad, tell him how much you love him, but that it's not going to be possible for you to call every day. Then let him know what does work (e.g., we'll call a couple of days a week, but it has to be on an unpredictable schedule, or please call, but if I don't pick up, it means I'm busy - if you're having an emergency just text, and otherwise, know that I'll get back to you as soon as I can). Anyway, I can feel the resentment coming through the post, as well as the love for your Dad. You just need to rebalance.

+100 Change the boundaries. Call when calm, show lots of love, and maybe change expectation to once a week or less, but you may do "bonus calls" now and then. That way, it's a happy surprise if you do more, rather than fury because it's not every day.

Sad that people do not want to be part of their elderly parents' lives, or speak to them on a regular basis, but instead view their interactions as a checked box in a day. So sad. And forgetful of the time, money, and love they gave you as a child and when you needed it.

You know, there's a difference between being in an elderly person's life and speaking to them regularly versus being ordered to call nightly and then getting a needy text if a night is missed due to family issues. Have you ever actually been in this position?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:'d love advice. I try to call my widowed father every night, and my young kids talk to him too. He looks forward to it every evening. However, sometimes life gets in the way and we just miss a call -- and when we do, he guilt trips me. Last night, my husband and I were in a fight, my son was having a meltdown about homework, and it was just a busy night. We couldn't call. So he texted: HEY! Then 10 minutes later: HEY!!!
I replied that we couldn't call because we were busy and please not to yell. He replied: "Not yelling, whining. Is everything ok?" It just made me more mad. I feel like I can't "miss" a night even for a good reason without explaining myself. I was already stressed about what was going on within my *own* family and my kids' whining. I have yet to respond. Any ideas? He has no cognitive or physical health issues. He just lives alone and is lonesome, which I understand.

I mean this kindly. I don't think you DO understand. He's by himself. Alone. Likely in his golden years. Maybe retired? Friends/family dying around him. Life is sort of . . . . behind him. So, no, you don't understand that degree of lonely and I hope for your sake you will extend him more compassion than your post indicates. That doesn't mean call him every night. I get it. Life happens and your busy. But it's your father. Your family. He misses you. He's lonely.

I swear to god, I seem to be having these discussions with so many people lately. And it is so evident how difficult, and compassion-less, it is for people to grow old in this country. So little respect, understanding, or concern for them.

I'm the OP. And with respect, I do understand. I also have young children and a demanding job and might not be able to call nightly and don't need to get yelled at in a text when I don't. I wish people didn't automatically assume the worst of others. I'm doing my best. Most working daughters are. Extend compassion and goodwill to US.

Your post, with respect, does not indicate you understand. Not one thing you said was about understanding his loneliness but, instead, is fixate on your children and job and compassion for you. You have a lot going on and are busy. You have life around you. He does not. That doesn't mean you have to call every night, esp if it will be obvious to him that you don't want to (and it seems that way). But, you won't know that loneliness until your kids are grown, spouse gone, and you're in your home all alone.

I will also say, you should calm the eff down abou the "yelling" via text. He's old. He likely wasn't yelling and you're being sensitive. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this doesn't work for you, even on the nights where things are calm and you can call. What doesn't work is the expectation and the ability to call every single day. When it doesn't work, your resentment flares. As Brene Brown says, better to create boundaries than resentments. When you're not mad, call your Dad, tell him how much you love him, but that it's not going to be possible for you to call every day. Then let him know what does work (e.g., we'll call a couple of days a week, but it has to be on an unpredictable schedule, or please call, but if I don't pick up, it means I'm busy - if you're having an emergency just text, and otherwise, know that I'll get back to you as soon as I can). Anyway, I can feel the resentment coming through the post, as well as the love for your Dad. You just need to rebalance.

+100 Change the boundaries. Call when calm, show lots of love, and maybe change expectation to once a week or less, but you may do "bonus calls" now and then. That way, it's a happy surprise if you do more, rather than fury because it's not every day.

Sad that people do not want to be part of their elderly parents' lives, or speak to them on a regular basis, but instead view their interactions as a checked box in a day. So sad. And forgetful of the time, money, and love they gave you as a child and when you needed it.

You know, there's a difference between being in an elderly person's life and speaking to them regularly versus being ordered to call nightly and then getting a needy text if a night is missed due to family issues. Have you ever actually been in this position?

Look, we have FOUR sets of very elderly parents (and a never married elderly aunt) that we are responsible for. Health-wise. Entertainment. When and how they die. We are responsible for their happiness, esp the poorer ones. So, yes, I understand the weight of it. And would suggest that a nightly call or text is far less of a burden.

It's likely he perceives how you feel about him- a burden. And it's too bad you cannot view him as the person who cared for YOU when you needed it. You're busy. I'm busy. We're all busy. But damn. You are stone cold, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:'d love advice. I try to call my widowed father every night, and my young kids talk to him too. He looks forward to it every evening. However, sometimes life gets in the way and we just miss a call -- and when we do, he guilt trips me. Last night, my husband and I were in a fight, my son was having a meltdown about homework, and it was just a busy night. We couldn't call. So he texted: HEY! Then 10 minutes later: HEY!!!
I replied that we couldn't call because we were busy and please not to yell. He replied: "Not yelling, whining. Is everything ok?" It just made me more mad. I feel like I can't "miss" a night even for a good reason without explaining myself. I was already stressed about what was going on within my *own* family and my kids' whining. I have yet to respond. Any ideas? He has no cognitive or physical health issues. He just lives alone and is lonesome, which I understand.

I mean this kindly. I don't think you DO understand. He's by himself. Alone. Likely in his golden years. Maybe retired? Friends/family dying around him. Life is sort of . . . . behind him. So, no, you don't understand that degree of lonely and I hope for your sake you will extend him more compassion than your post indicates. That doesn't mean call him every night. I get it. Life happens and your busy. But it's your father. Your family. He misses you. He's lonely.

I swear to god, I seem to be having these discussions with so many people lately. And it is so evident how difficult, and compassion-less, it is for people to grow old in this country. So little respect, understanding, or concern for them.

I'm the OP. And with respect, I do understand. I also have young children and a demanding job and might not be able to call nightly and don't need to get yelled at in a text when I don't. I wish people didn't automatically assume the worst of others. I'm doing my best. Most working daughters are. Extend compassion and goodwill to US.

Your post, with respect, does not indicate you understand. Not one thing you said was about understanding his loneliness but, instead, is fixate on your children and job and compassion for you. You have a lot going on and are busy. You have life around you. He does not. That doesn't mean you have to call every night, esp if it will be obvious to him that you don't want to (and it seems that way). But, you won't know that loneliness until your kids are grown, spouse gone, and you're in your home all alone.

I will also say, you should calm the eff down abou the "yelling" via text. He's old. He likely wasn't yelling and you're being sensitive. Let it go.

I most certainly do. I understand that I have called him every single night since my mother passed away four years ago, regardless of whether my husband and I were out to dinner, whether I was taking my kid home from a baseball game, or whether we were having a quiet family movie night, all because I knew it was important to him. I also invite him to dinner all the time, to my kids' events all the time, and plan family vacations around him. I do have to call every night, or it feels like I do, when I get sad-face texts in all caps when I miss an evening. So please, with respect, don't sound off on things you have no grasp upon, and circumstances you know zero about.

I posted this query in other working daughters' forums and every single woman got it. It's clear you do not. Stick to areas where you can contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, that seems like a mild, humorous comment on his part. You were having a tough night. If you’d been in a better space you would’ve texted him back “Crazy night, all is OK but can’t talk. Look forward to chatting tomorrow. :* have a good evening!”

Hope today is better, OP.

All of this.

I also think the "every night" schedule can change to "daily contact." Maybe sometimes you call him in the afternoons and the kids get on speakerphone, too. Maybe sometimes you text in advance: "I'm not going to be able to call tonight -- things here are bananas. But I don't want you to worry (even though I know you're my dad and it's your job)"