Discussion wtith parents regarding jewellery

[Anonymous]

I am a woman in 40s and my parents age is close to 80s.
During my visit to my parents, my mother asked me (in the presence if my father) if I would like to take bangles that belonged to her. I was hesitant for a moment and then told her sure if she does not mind. She kept talking about those bangles through out but never gave them to me or shown them to me. Before leaving, I kind of reminded her if she would like to give the bangles to me. She immediately said those will be too small for me, so she would not bother about it.

I felt hurt about it. I am also upset that I reminded her and asked for the jewellery. I really hope this is not being materialistic.

She has given me some kitchen utensils that she is no longer using. I have accepted those. But I left all those behind because I was not comfortable taking anything.

When she realized that I did not take anything with me, she called DH and told him that I may have felt bad about the jewellery that she did not give. She also mentioned to him that those bangles may be too small for grand-daughter too. DH did not comment anything about it as he does not know the conversations between my parents and me.

Later on, I messaged my father asking why they would do that to their daughter while they treat their daughter-in-law much better than this.

I am not feeling good about the whole discussion with my parents.
Should I be apologizing to them? Should I refuse anything they offer in the future?

[Anonymous]

Rewrite in clear English please

[Anonymous]

Obviously there is a lot more going on other than this situation. If not, you majorly overreacted

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t care less for family jewelry, but offering something, talking it up for days, then changing her mind at the last minute is rude and unfeeling. Does she have a history of doing this to you? From the way you write so diffidently about your parents, it looks like you’re used to being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

No need to apologize, you didn't really do anything wrong.

In the future, if it's something significant (like gold bangles) then give a noncommittal answer or simply say "no, they suit you well."

It was silly of you not to take the kitchen utensils but I can see why you did that.

Your parents are close to their 80s. They will do and say things that don't always make sense. Unfortunately this is part of them aging (even if they seem very healthy). Give them grace and try not to be offended by things.

[Anonymous]

So you're visiting and your mom asks if you want some bracelets. You say yes. She doesn't bring it up again so you ask about them. She says... Actually I think they will be too small for you. You were visibly upset. She called your husband to say she upset you over the bracelets but they probably wouldn't fit you or your daughter. Your husband doesn't say anything.

Later you text your dad asking why they treat you like that. I'm not sure how their DIL plays into this.

You seem very immature.

[Anonymous]

I would call your mom and try to have a normal chat about something other than jewelry to clear the air.

If the issue is that she is giving your SIL lots of nice jewelry and not saving anything for you and your daughter, I would say “mom, I’m sorry if I handled that badly but I feel like you give Sarla a lot of your nice things. That’s fine but I really love you and my daughter does too, and we would like to have some of your nice things to feel close to you and remember you after you’ve gone, so I hope you don’t give it all away to Sarla.”

Agree with PP that your mom is old and will do random things. Giving away and then taking back is very very common for elderly—they want to give but then realize that is one step closer to their own death, so then they claw it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was hesitant for a moment and then told her sure if she does not mind.

I think it's interesting that you never told us--or her--if you even wanted the bangles to begin with. Were these a family heirloom? Do you like them? Were you hoping to inherit them? When your mother asked, why were you hesitant to answer?

Maybe your mother thought you weren't enthusiastic enough in your response.
Maybe your mother was hoping you would say no because she thought your sister-in-law would like them.
Maybe your mother offered them prematurely, then regretted doing so.

So many possibilities.

[Anonymous]

Just say no to everything they offer now, and after they die then deal with it. Don't ruin relationships over material things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t care less for family jewelry, but offering something, talking it up for days, then changing her mind at the last minute is rude and unfeeling. Does she have a history of doing this to you? From the way you write so diffidently about your parents, it looks like you’re used to being a doormat.

I have become less confident about the value my parents give to the parent-child relationship.

For 20+ years, I have heard both my parents complain and whine about my sister-in-law (SIL). When SIL visited my parents the same time I am visiting them, all I see is my parents indirectly and directly insulting me and praising my SIL. I am surprised to see how my parents can be hypocrites. I asked my father if they talk badly about me before my brother and SIL, to which he said that they don't do that.
But the way my parents treat me versus how my Brother and SIL are treated is quite different from my observation.

In addition to that, I have gifted some gold jewelry to my mom in the past (quite a few times). Recently my dad announced before me that he would be giving some of that to my SIL. I could not say anything about it. Why would they want to give that to SIL? Is it because I gifted it to them and they think giving it back to me is rude? I cannot comprehend this. My brother never gifted anything gold to my mom as far as I know. This is also one of the reasons why I assumed that my mother giving me her bangles would not be big deal for her. I keep asking myself if this all materialistic or is it expecting parents love and concern.

Also, anytime I was not feeling well (even with things like breast cancer related or sciatic nerve issues), my parents always brushed it off. Would not even lend an ear to listen and sympathize. Recently, my SIL went through some ovarian cyst related surgery and my parents sympathized a lot with her. They can show their care, but why not show the same care for me?

Sorry for lengthy reply and any typos.

[Anonymous]

This situation is very foreign for an American-born person to read about, and it's just very difficult to comprehend what the issue is. If my mother asked me if I wanted some jewelry, and I said yes, and then she didn't give it to me, I'd immediately say, "then why did you even bring it up?" But you didn't, so obviously the meaning behind the gift and the relationship is very different from the way it is in my house, and I think most American-born families.

It seems like the real issue is that you aren't sure how much your parents value you, and think they treat your SIL better and may like her better. Basically, you don't think they like you enough. I think you will see that most people with that problem on the board feel badly, but move on and just don't give their parents a lot of time or attention. Maybe that is not an option for you. But basically, most people in this country will say that if they don't treat you well enough, you should just go on with your own life and family and have less contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was hesitant for a moment and then told her sure if she does not mind.

I think it's interesting that you never told us--or her--if you even wanted the bangles to begin with. Were these a family heirloom? Do you like them? Were you hoping to inherit them? When your mother asked, why were you hesitant to answer?

Maybe your mother thought you weren't enthusiastic enough in your response.
Maybe your mother was hoping you would say no because she thought your sister-in-law would like them.
Maybe your mother offered them prematurely, then regretted doing so.

So many possibilities.

I wanted the bangles, because I love wearing bangles and bracelets. My mother knows that I like bangles. I hesitated because they are expensive and have a lot of value and if I can accept it.

For the past 5 years, my mom has been saying that she wants to give me her jewelry and I am used to hearing that and also got used to the idea that I am going to inherit it. But the recent circumstance is making me step back and reconsider this assumption. Mixed feelings about the whole thing. Should I accept anything she offers happily? If I refuse, would it go to a non-deserving (in my opinion) person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say no to everything they offer now, and after they die then deal with it. Don't ruin relationships over material things.

If it comes to that point, I would not be able to ask my SIL for anything that belonged to my mother. I think I may leave the decision to my brother and SIL at that point.
Why should my parents put me in such situation?

[Anonymous]

OP - are you South Asian? If so - could there be some weird biases about how daughters are no longer part of their parents’ family when they marry?

Even modernized parents get weird about things like that as they age.

Also, the criticizing one family member in front of another also seems common in some cultures. It’s bonkers and dysfunctional -but not uncommon.

I’d just write off getting anything - as painful as that is - and not take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call your mom and try to have a normal chat about something other than jewelry to clear the air.

If the issue is that she is giving your SIL lots of nice jewelry and not saving anything for you and your daughter, I would say “mom, I’m sorry if I handled that badly but I feel like you give Sarla a lot of your nice things. That’s fine but I really love you and my daughter does too, and we would like to have some of your nice things to feel close to you and remember you after you’ve gone, so I hope you don’t give it all away to Sarla.”

Agree with PP that your mom is old and will do random things. Giving away and then taking back is very very common for elderly—they want to give but then realize that is one step closer to their own death, so then they claw it back.

I think that is exactly what is going on here. She is likely starting to this about her own passing and it’s freaking her out. Giving up the bangles was a step too far for her right now.