Discussion wtith parents regarding jewellery

[Anonymous]

So this is an Indian bangle situation, in a family where the OP cannot be direct and clear?

OP, being a doormat has its drawbacks: things you value may go to other people instead. Either you accept this, or decide not to be a doormat, and make a stink.

[Anonymous]

Is English your second language?

[Anonymous]

Come back after English class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This situation is very foreign for an American-born person to read about, and it's just very difficult to comprehend what the issue is. If my mother asked me if I wanted some jewelry, and I said yes, and then she didn't give it to me, I'd immediately say, "then why did you even bring it up?" But you didn't, so obviously the meaning behind the gift and the relationship is very different from the way it is in my house, and I think most American-born families.

It seems like the real issue is that you aren't sure how much your parents value you, and think they treat your SIL better and may like her better. Basically, you don't think they like you enough. I think you will see that most people with that problem on the board feel badly, but move on and just don't give their parents a lot of time or attention. Maybe that is not an option for you. But basically, most people in this country will say that if they don't treat you well enough, you should just go on with your own life and family and have less contact.

American born from one one side a long line of American born. OP in her forties was offered some gold bangles by her mom who is in her eighties. Then the mom decided not to give them to her with the rational being they were too small for OP and the GC. Frankly sounds like mom likes the bangles and just is not ready to give them away. I have a DD and just gave her stuff including a really great piece of jewelry.

SIL might be offered items and the mom then produces them and SIL leaves with the gifted jewelry. Whatever. My SIL wanted stuff that unknown to her had been directly gifted to myself or my kids many years before the death my parents.

[Anonymous]

I would assume my elderly parents were going senile and not take them very seriously going forward.

[Anonymous]

Are you Indian, OP? It’s not uncommon for parents to favor sons over daughters.

[Anonymous]

Why are people criticizing OP's English, which is fluent?

OP, this happens in a lot of families, and I think you just have to assume that the things you're offered could be yanked away at the last minute. If your mother offers you something again, just agree that it's nice and assure her you really like it, but you understand that she may still want it and she should think about it some more.

Unless whatever she's offered is waiting for you in a bag by the door when you leave (this will never happen), just leave without mentioning it. But if she does give you something you could use, take it or you'll seem petulant.

[Anonymous]

Are you Indian and these are solid gold bracelets?

Why can’t you be up front and tell your mom? Why would she ever call your Dh to talk about you? That part is really strange. My Dh would tell my mom that she should talk to her own daughter and he wouldn’t get in the middle of it.

[Anonymous]

My mother has short term memory problems (has for a few years now) and gets very confused / wouldn’t remember what she’d offered me if I brought it up a day or two later and often responds with anger. I try to focus on the fact that she still knows who I am and who my children are and generally expresses love toward us. It could be a situation like this, op. It’s hard, but try to not be mad and think about whether maybe she’s doing the best she can.

[Anonymous]

I think you should approach your mother very humbly and apologize for the comment about her DIL. Explain that when she said never mind, the bangles would be too small for you, you thought she was changing her mind about giving you the jewelry she’d offered and that hurt your feelings. Tell her that you would be very happy to receive any of her jewelry she’d like to give you when the time comes, but not now. Tell her that you love her, and her jewelry would have significant sentimental value to you, specifically because it was hers, and wearing it would be a nice way to feel connected to her.

Hopefully she’ll understand where you were coming from and that you don’t want the bangles because of their monetary value.

[Anonymous]

I think your unclear/noncommittal response to your mum when she asked if you wanted the bracelets is indicative of your unclear status. I would think most daughters would answer the question and not hesitate to say 'yes please'.

I don't know why she reneged. I don't know why she looped your father (and then your DH) into this. Keep it between you and your mother if you want to improve the dynamic, or at least improve the communication.

If you are the follow up poster who posted about SIL/gold jewelry being given to her that you had originally given your mother- I'd have said something about that too. "Actually I know I bought the gold pieces for mum so if she no longer wants them I know my kids would love to keep them along their family line as they were from me-to mum-and now back to them".

Only you know why you aren't more direct/honest about your responses- but it's clear your mother is weird about things as well.

[Anonymous]

There's only one person that can answer that question-your mom. I don't understand, just ask. Maybe she just had a senior moment. Did you get stuck with more responsibility, duties, etc. than your brother growing up? Was he the baby? Sounds like this situation/animosity isn't new. If your mom told you the jewelry is yours, it's yours. Maybe she's giving "gifts" to others now, leaving everything behind to you. Funny though, my 80 y/O mom told me the same thing. A lifetime of her best jewelry and somehow she can't remember where she put it. You can bet I asked her why. Yet, she still doesn't understand why I worry about her.

[Anonymous]

This is behavior that my narcissistic mother would do. She wanted to know that she had something that you wanted so she could use it to manipulate you in some way. By acting disinterested, you weren’t playing her game, so she called your husband to try to stir things up some more.

All you can do is ignore her or cut her off. There’s nothing you can do to deal rationally with someone with a personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Does she wear the bangles?
My mom insisted on a safe deposit box under both our names at a bank nearby where she put all her jewelry. We both have a key. I know specifically what piece she gave me and wear that. The rest of it I wear sometimes but make a point of telling her- “Mom today I wore YOUR such and such and received a lot of compliments” send her a photo of me wearing it etc. I have a sister and several SILs and if mom wanted to physically give them something in there I’d have no issue with that- because it really is her jewelry.