Why can’t I get my abusive ex out of my head?

[Anonymous]

Last fall (4 months ago), my boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up. Our relationship was basically a trauma bond, and he was verbally, though not physically, abusive during our second year of dating. (During our first year of dating, he was the kindest, most respectful person I had ever met). He has a long history of substance abuse, and during our second year of dating, he struggled with his sobriety and his personality changed completely from a sweet, caring guy to someone with a lot of mood swings and anger towards me. We had been planning to get married and have kids together, so I think I’m sad about the loss of that future together (when he wasn’t on drugs).

Our relationship is over, and I have a great new boyfriend. Why can’t I get my ex out of my head? I find myself wanting to text or talk to him. I’ve already tried blocking him, etc. He doesn’t reach out to me, so why am I tempted to reach out to him? I obviously am not planning on getting back together with him. Just struggling with wanting to see what he is up to.

[Anonymous]

You’re an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone who as you said has a long history with substance abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone who as you said has a long history with substance abuse.

OP here. He didn’t tell me about it. I only learned about it after we broke up, when he told me his behavior changes were caused by drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone who as you said has a long history with substance abuse.

OP here. He didn’t tell me about it. I only learned about it after we broke up, when he told me his behavior changes were caused by drugs.

Bullsh!t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone who as you said has a long history with substance abuse.

OP here. He didn’t tell me about it. I only learned about it after we broke up, when he told me his behavior changes were caused by drugs.

You said you were planning on marrying except you didn’t know about his drug past and didn’t know he was on drugs the 2nd year of you dating. Sure, okay.

[Anonymous]

Why are you in a new relationship so quickly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone who as you said has a long history with substance abuse.

NP.

I'm so glad you posted this. I'm sure it is so incredibly helpful to OP. /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone who as you said has a long history with substance abuse.

OP here. He didn’t tell me about it. I only learned about it after we broke up, when he told me his behavior changes were caused by drugs.

You said you were planning on marrying except you didn’t know about his drug past and didn’t know he was on drugs the 2nd year of you dating. Sure, okay.

OP here. I literally never once saw him use drugs and he lived with me. He didn’t tell me until we broke up. He’s doing a drug rehab program now and is struggling. Completely different from the person who I met, who was Christian, family oriented, smart, career driven, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone who as you said has a long history with substance abuse.

OP here. He didn’t tell me about it. I only learned about it after we broke up, when he told me his behavior changes were caused by drugs.

You said you were planning on marrying except you didn’t know about his drug past and didn’t know he was on drugs the 2nd year of you dating. Sure, okay.

OP here. I literally never once saw him use drugs and he lived with me. He didn’t tell me until we broke up. He’s doing a drug rehab program now and is struggling. Completely different from the person who I met, who was Christian, family oriented, smart, career driven, etc.

Then you didn’t have your eyes open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone who as you said has a long history with substance abuse.

NP.

I'm so glad you posted this. I'm sure it is so incredibly helpful to OP. /s

Coddle if you choose, but that’s never helped anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone who as you said has a long history with substance abuse.

NP.

I'm so glad you posted this. I'm sure it is so incredibly helpful to OP. /s

Some people need to be told. I’m sure your enabling way is so incredible helpful to no one.

[Anonymous]

Every time you find yourself thinking of him, think of his least attractive qualities.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. What's your relationship with your parents like?

[Anonymous]

Because you loved the best version of him and your relationship. High highs and very low lows. Most stable relationships are in the middle and don’t cause the same intoxicating trauma bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone who as you said has a long history with substance abuse.

OP here. He didn’t tell me about it. I only learned about it after we broke up, when he told me his behavior changes were caused by drugs.

You said you were planning on marrying except you didn’t know about his drug past and didn’t know he was on drugs the 2nd year of you dating. Sure, okay.

OP here. I literally never once saw him use drugs and he lived with me. He didn’t tell me until we broke up. He’s doing a drug rehab program now and is struggling. Completely different from the person who I met, who was Christian, family oriented, smart, career driven, etc.

Does it help to look at him
Like this?; you love the facet of him he showed you. That tells you who you are looking for and the qualities you want in a partner.
He concealed from you all the different facets he has. Purposefully concealed them from you. He needs to heal and so do you because that is a betrayal of sorts- that he didn’t show his full self to you.

He has enabled you to find someone with the qualities you really want. When you miss him, turn that feeling around and wish him peace and wish for yourself you find a stronger partner for you.