6th grade daughter refusing to acknowledge puberty

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 11.5, in 6th grade, and has started showing physical and emotional signs of puberty for the last 6 months. She refuses to talk to anyone about it, read anything about it, to consider wearing a bra, etc. If I bring it up, in any way, she plugs her ears, screams and runs away.

I have tried doing things gently, like leaving a book in her room last year. I found it on her 7 year old sister's bookshelf. I bought her a few sports bras for coverage - her uniform is a white shirt and her soccer uniform has a white shirt. She won't wear them, which is fine, but she also won't even try them on or consider that she might want them. She's probably a B cup at this point.

I'd leave it to her friends to help, but she doesn't have a best friend who is a girl. Her bffs are 2 boys. She is the youngest in her grade, so the girls she knows and are friends with appear to be wearing bras - at least based on my conversations with their moms. But maybe she's not close enough to them to talk about it or even notice?

Any advice? Breasts are only the beginning and while I know she knows intellectually what's happening, I'd really like to be there for her as she goes through this.

[Anonymous]

I hated the idea of growing up at that age. It seemed so scary. So I sympathize with your DD.

That being said, if she's a b cup, to spare her embarrassment, she'll need something underneath. Maybe she'd be okay with a snug fitting camisole or a camisole with a shelf bra built in. Or even a loose undershirt under her white clothing. Maybe these will provide her with coverage while not looking so bra like. For my DD, I also removed some clothing from rotation until she felt comfortable wearing a bra. Not all clothes required a bra, so she mostly wore those.

This time probably won't last long. She's just trying to wrap her mind around the changes.

[Anonymous]

You know shifting to bras is a difficult thing. My daughter did not wear them long past the time I thought she should. I just made sure they were available in a variety of styles and sizes and eventually she started wearing them more frequently. I would just leave it alone and get her some other options like some camisoles and such but let her make her own decisions.

Did she get her period? You should make sure she understands the essentials. Just get her a book and say here’s a book about something you’ll go through if you wanna talk about it I’m always available. Get her a bunch of different pads and offer to show her how to use them. Make sure she is prepared like if she goes away to camp or on an overnight sleepover, remind her to shove a few pads in her bag.

You should try to be low-key. My daughter was not happy about any of this and did not wanna talk about it or listen to it but I just kept making you know small reminders now and then, not any big talk and not any insistence that she do or behave anyway. She told me that having her period sounded horrible and I said that well you could make having a bowel movement sound horrible too but we all do it all the time and it’s not any big deal you just get used to it.

Honestly puberty for a girl is still a nightmare, it comes with all this unwelcome attention from random men, and bleeding for a week all the time is in fact super annoying with all the leaks and such. I would want to cover my ears and run away too. I just try to be low-key and normalizing and talk about it when things come up and offer a little bit of advice but not in the “you are a woman now” kind of way but more just like “you might find this useful; you’ll need to try different things; this is all normal.” I also told her about my own experiences and how my mother prepared me not at all; It was easier for her to listen to me talking about myself then for the focus to be on her.

Honestly she is mellow about it now and wears bras and deals with her period but it was a process that we both took slowly and over time. It’s a huge life transition and very stressful.

[Anonymous]

Just keep reminding her that you're there for her to listen or to help. With friends who are boys shes probably really worried things will change and she will lose her friends.

[Anonymous]

My niece was the same. You’re doing all the right things and being a great mom. My niece had so much grief about everything changing - especially when her period started. Just keep quietly letting her know you’re there when she needs you. Eventually she won’t be able to avoid the signs of puberty (my niece’s period was the end of the denial) and you can be her shoulder to cry on. It’s been a couple of years since all of this but my niece is now (grudgingly, but not tearfully!) accepting young womanhood. I think it’ll only get better over time.

[Anonymous]

Would you feel the same way about a boy who didn’t want to talk about puberty? Expect him to “acknowledge” it and discuss it? Probably not! We have as a society pretty fraught attitudes towards female sexuality and this impacts how girls feel about puberty. She probably feels like she’s being put under a weird microscope.

It’s her body and she doesn’t need to talk to you about it or think about it at all. She does need to maintain hygeine and learn about birth control etc (hopefully that’s been a discussion prior to puberty.)

As for the bras, just leave a variety for her. At her age I totally refused bras and didn’t wear one regularly until I discovered super comfortable bralettes in bright fun colors that were not girly and did not look like bras.

[Anonymous]

From my own perspective, I would definitely get her some tank tops with shelf bras.

I grew up knowing really nothing about puberty. My breasts developed first as kind of tubular breasts. I found them embarrassing but no one gave me a bra or any undergarments. As an adult looking at myself at that age made me sad and angry. There I am with my breasts hanging out in every picture, often pretty visible under t shirts, swinging around in videos. No one else has that.

Now if I had been some kind of liberated kid who wanted to be wild and free - great. But I wasn't. I didn't really realize how I looked compared to everyone else. I didn't know from where or how people got bras and didn't even know much about them. I became very self conscious about my breasts and often kept my arms folded and wore big heavy baggy sweatshirts.

I realize your context is completely different but I do wonder if your daughter too won't look back later and wonder how you let her be like that amongst her peer group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you feel the same way about a boy who didn’t want to talk about puberty? Expect him to “acknowledge” it and discuss it? Probably not! We have as a society pretty fraught attitudes towards female sexuality and this impacts how girls feel about puberty. She probably feels like she’s being put under a weird microscope.

It’s her body and she doesn’t need to talk to you about it or think about it at all. She does need to maintain hygeine and learn about birth control etc (hopefully that’s been a discussion prior to puberty.)

As for the bras, just leave a variety for her. At her age I totally refused bras and didn’t wear one regularly until I discovered super comfortable bralettes in bright fun colors that were not girly and did not look like bras.

While I agree with you, how does OP talk about BC when her kid won't talk about puberty?

OP your kid is ten puberty should have been a discussion for years now. BC for sure as well. All of your kids not just girls.

If she doesn't want to wear a bra so what. If she ends up getting teased if it bothers her she will. I would buy some long camis with shelf bras and sports bras and leave them in her room like PP said. No regular bras.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you feel the same way about a boy who didn’t want to talk about puberty? Expect him to “acknowledge” it and discuss it? Probably not! We have as a society pretty fraught attitudes towards female sexuality and this impacts how girls feel about puberty. She probably feels like she’s being put under a weird microscope.

It’s her body and she doesn’t need to talk to you about it or think about it at all. She does need to maintain hygeine and learn about birth control etc (hopefully that’s been a discussion prior to puberty.)

As for the bras, just leave a variety for her. At her age I totally refused bras and didn’t wear one regularly until I discovered super comfortable bralettes in bright fun colors that were not girly and did not look like bras.

While I agree with you, how does OP talk about BC when her kid won't talk about puberty?

OP your kid is ten puberty should have been a discussion for years now. BC for sure as well. All of your kids not just girls.

If she doesn't want to wear a bra so what. If she ends up getting teased if it bothers her she will. I would buy some long camis with shelf bras and sports bras and leave them in her room like PP said. No regular bras.

Well, these are conversations that they should have been having far prior to puberty. I’ve been discussing reproduction with my son since he was very young. But if OP hasn’t then yeah, she needs to figure out a way to catch up. You can talk about this stuff without making it personal to the child - like discussing politics etc. They probably also have a health unit about it in school.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks everyone for your advice.

We've talked about changing bodies, sex, consent, sexual attraction, and bc for years now. I think it's 100% a different thing when it's happening to you and your body. She knows intellectually what's happening, but she is basically ignoring it. My close friend is a midwife and teaches a fantastic class on puberty. Her daughter (also 11) is taking it and my child refused, even though she is willing to do any activity with this friend.

I have an almost 14 year old son, so we've had lots of conversations with him about puberty and sex and hormones, etc. He doesn't love it, but he will sit and listen and absorb some of what we say. He has a few books, and I send him articles about different stages.

My 11 year old is just a different kind of kid. No period yet. And she wears baggy clothes, so her breast development is not necessarily noticeable, except in the white shirts. Thank you for the suggestions about the long camis with the shelf bras, I'll get her some of those too.

I will continue to be there for her, quietly, and hope that she'll feel comfortable to discuss this with someone as time goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks everyone for your advice.

We've talked about changing bodies, sex, consent, sexual attraction, and bc for years now. I think it's 100% a different thing when it's happening to you and your body. She knows intellectually what's happening, but she is basically ignoring it. My close friend is a midwife and teaches a fantastic class on puberty. Her daughter (also 11) is taking it and my child refused, even though she is willing to do any activity with this friend.

I have an almost 14 year old son, so we've had lots of conversations with him about puberty and sex and hormones, etc. He doesn't love it, but he will sit and listen and absorb some of what we say. He has a few books, and I send him articles about different stages.

My 11 year old is just a different kind of kid. No period yet. And she wears baggy clothes, so her breast development is not necessarily noticeable, except in the white shirts. Thank you for the suggestions about the long camis with the shelf bras, I'll get her some of those too.

I will continue to be there for her, quietly, and hope that she'll feel comfortable to discuss this with someone as time goes on.

It’s fine for her to ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Highly recommend versions 1 and 2 of the Care and Keeping of You. Leave them on her bed or someplace she will see them with a note telling her to read them and you are available to answer any questions. They are short, simple and written for kids to understand. It takes away the embarrassment factor since she’s doing it on her own.

[Anonymous]

Is it at all possible your child is experiencing gender dysphoria? I have heard that children questioning their gender sometimes have a particularly difficult time with puberty.

[Anonymous]

You may want to watch that movie “God, are you listening? It’s me, Margaret” with her.
Or just tell her out of the whole puberty talk context that she must wear something underneath her white shirts now.

And to the PP who mentioned boys- I have one and yes I would be uncomfortable if he still refused to wear swim shorts with the support insert (which he did when he was younger), and if he generally didn’t want to acknowledge puberty. It so happened that he was, in fact, proud of his bodily changes. As should be the case with girls, too, even though it’s harder for them and I acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

You think she's a B cup? A cami, bralette or something under white shirts should be worn. Buy a few different things and tell her what she wears is up to her, but something will be worn under white tops.

If she wants to ignore everything else but hygiene and putting something under a white top, fine.