6th grade daughter refusing to acknowledge puberty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may want to watch that movie “God, are you listening? It’s me, Margaret” with her.
Or just tell her out of the whole puberty talk context that she must wear something underneath her white shirts now.

And to the PP who mentioned boys- I have one and yes I would be uncomfortable if he still refused to wear swim shorts with the support insert (which he did when he was younger), and if he generally didn’t want to acknowledge puberty. It so happened that he was, in fact, proud of his bodily changes. As should be the case with girls, too, even though it’s harder for them and I acknowledge that.

Our society treats female and male bodies TOTALLY differently. Female puberty is a time to be forced to “acknowledge” something bad and difficult; male puberty is something to be proud of. Even in this thread we have the suggestion that a girl being uninterested in puberty means that maybe she’s not actually a girl!

It’s just a bodily process. There’s nothing to “acknowledge.” There’s basic hygeine and information that needs to be conveyed but otherwise stop trying to control it.

[Anonymous]

The fact she’s 11 and when you try and talk to her she screams and runs away is an issue. Does she normally do this when you talk to her about something she’s not keen on?
I have an 11yo DD who also wears baggy clothing and is very boyish. But her body is her body and it’s changing so she needs to know what’s going on and how to handle it.
Your DD does too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact she’s 11 and when you try and talk to her she screams and runs away is an issue. Does she normally do this when you talk to her about something she’s not keen on?
I have an 11yo DD who also wears baggy clothing and is very boyish. But her body is her body and it’s changing so she needs to know what’s going on and how to handle it.
Your DD does too.

No, only about this. Which is why I'm asking for advice. She's my most open, affectionate, and emotionally intelligent kid, so all of this is pretty out of character for her. I know she's not happy about it all, but I'm trying to figure out how to help her through her grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may want to watch that movie “God, are you listening? It’s me, Margaret” with her.
Or just tell her out of the whole puberty talk context that she must wear something underneath her white shirts now.

And to the PP who mentioned boys- I have one and yes I would be uncomfortable if he still refused to wear swim shorts with the support insert (which he did when he was younger), and if he generally didn’t want to acknowledge puberty. It so happened that he was, in fact, proud of his bodily changes. As should be the case with girls, too, even though it’s harder for them and I acknowledge that.

Our society treats female and male bodies TOTALLY differently. Female puberty is a time to be forced to “acknowledge” something bad and difficult; male puberty is something to be proud of. Even in this thread we have the suggestion that a girl being uninterested in puberty means that maybe she’s not actually a girl!

It’s just a bodily process. There’s nothing to “acknowledge.” There’s basic hygeine and information that needs to be conveyed but otherwise stop trying to control it.

Yes, I am trying to help her and not control what she wears or how she manages it. But I think you have to accept that your body is changing to be willing to learn how to deal with it. She has also become resistant to showering too at a time when she needs to increase bathing for hygiene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact she’s 11 and when you try and talk to her she screams and runs away is an issue. Does she normally do this when you talk to her about something she’s not keen on?
I have an 11yo DD who also wears baggy clothing and is very boyish. But her body is her body and it’s changing so she needs to know what’s going on and how to handle it.
Your DD does too.

No, only about this. Which is why I'm asking for advice. She's my most open, affectionate, and emotionally intelligent kid, so all of this is pretty out of character for her. I know she's not happy about it all, but I'm trying to figure out how to help her through her grief.

It is not "grief OP. I seriously doubt that. It is not normal that she moved that book to a sibling's room. It is not normal that she screams about this.

Have you been talking to her about her body since she was a small child? I sure hope so.

Something else is going on and now it is time to get outside help. Not like at school she is not hearing things.

Talk to your pediatrician and your gyn for guidance. It is clear this is past the point of only you helping her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact she’s 11 and when you try and talk to her she screams and runs away is an issue. Does she normally do this when you talk to her about something she’s not keen on?
I have an 11yo DD who also wears baggy clothing and is very boyish. But her body is her body and it’s changing so she needs to know what’s going on and how to handle it.
Your DD does too.

No, only about this. Which is why I'm asking for advice. She's my most open, affectionate, and emotionally intelligent kid, so all of this is pretty out of character for her. I know she's not happy about it all, but I'm trying to figure out how to help her through her grief.

It is not "grief OP. I seriously doubt that. It is not normal that she moved that book to a sibling's room. It is not normal that she screams about this.

Have you been talking to her about her body since she was a small child? I sure hope so.

Something else is going on and now it is time to get outside help. Not like at school she is not hearing things.

Talk to your pediatrician and your gyn for guidance. It is clear this is past the point of only you helping her.

Not the OP, but with respect, I strongly disagree. Some girls embrace puberty, some deny it’s happening. Some girls can’t wait to be women, some grieve very hard for their childhood. It’s all on a normal spectrum. Love, patience and openness are the key and this mom is on the right track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact she’s 11 and when you try and talk to her she screams and runs away is an issue. Does she normally do this when you talk to her about something she’s not keen on?
I have an 11yo DD who also wears baggy clothing and is very boyish. But her body is her body and it’s changing so she needs to know what’s going on and how to handle it.
Your DD does too.

No, only about this. Which is why I'm asking for advice. She's my most open, affectionate, and emotionally intelligent kid, so all of this is pretty out of character for her. I know she's not happy about it all, but I'm trying to figure out how to help her through her grief.

It is not "grief OP. I seriously doubt that. It is not normal that she moved that book to a sibling's room. It is not normal that she screams about this.

Have you been talking to her about her body since she was a small child? I sure hope so.

Something else is going on and now it is time to get outside help. Not like at school she is not hearing things.

Talk to your pediatrician and your gyn for guidance. It is clear this is past the point of only you helping her.

Not the OP, but with respect, I strongly disagree. Some girls embrace puberty, some deny it’s happening. Some girls can’t wait to be women, some grieve very hard for their childhood. It’s all on a normal spectrum. Love, patience and openness are the key and this mom is on the right track.

Np who totally agrees with this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact she’s 11 and when you try and talk to her she screams and runs away is an issue. Does she normally do this when you talk to her about something she’s not keen on?
I have an 11yo DD who also wears baggy clothing and is very boyish. But her body is her body and it’s changing so she needs to know what’s going on and how to handle it.
Your DD does too.

No, only about this. Which is why I'm asking for advice. She's my most open, affectionate, and emotionally intelligent kid, so all of this is pretty out of character for her. I know she's not happy about it all, but I'm trying to figure out how to help her through her grief.

her GRIEF? wtf?? with an attitude like that you wonder why she won’t talk to you?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The fact she’s 11 and when you try and talk to her she screams and runs away is an issue. Does she normally do this when you talk to her about something she’s not keen on?
I have an 11yo DD who also wears baggy clothing and is very boyish. But her body is her body and it’s changing so she needs to know what’s going on and how to handle it.
Your DD does too. [/quote]

No, only about this. Which is why I'm asking for advice. She's my most open, affectionate, and emotionally intelligent kid, so all of this is pretty out of character for her. I know she's not happy about it all, but I'm trying to figure out how to help her through her grief. [/quote]

It is not "grief OP. I seriously doubt that. It is not normal that she moved that book to a sibling's room. It is not normal that she screams about this.

Have you been talking to her about her body since she was a small child? I sure hope so.

Something else is going on and now it is time to get outside help. Not like at school she is not hearing things.

Talk to your pediatrician and your gyn for guidance. It is clear this is past the point of only you helping her.
[/quote]

omg. leave the girl alone.

it’s pretty normal for tweens to have janky hygeine. my boy sure does. just set & enforce shower time and send them back if it’s not done right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it at all possible your child is experiencing gender dysphoria? I have heard that children questioning their gender sometimes have a particularly difficult time with puberty.

This is what I was going to ask too.

[Anonymous]

My sixth grader hasn’t even got a full A but there’s something. It took a long time to get something she was comfortable with and she’ll wear them occasionally.

Urban Outitters has a good variety of cropped lightweight loose cotton tanks. Unlike the high schoolers she wouldn’t wear them alone, she wears them under see through tops. Unlike bras they aren’t tight, they are super comfortable.

When I have a bra on I am always aware of it and can’t wait to take it off when I get home. Hold off on bras as long as possible.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if her reaction is normal or not.

My only takeaway here is that if she has a B cup and is routinely in white shirts, she needs something, even just an undershirt under those tops. We can be as accepting as we want, but no one is doing any 11 year old any favors by allowing everyone to see her boobs through her white shirt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact she’s 11 and when you try and talk to her she screams and runs away is an issue. Does she normally do this when you talk to her about something she’s not keen on?
I have an 11yo DD who also wears baggy clothing and is very boyish. But her body is her body and it’s changing so she needs to know what’s going on and how to handle it.
Your DD does too.

No, only about this. Which is why I'm asking for advice. She's my most open, affectionate, and emotionally intelligent kid, so all of this is pretty out of character for her. I know she's not happy about it all, but I'm trying to figure out how to help her through her grief.

her GRIEF? wtf?? with an attitude like that you wonder why she won’t talk to you?

Not the OP, but I feel so sorry for your kids that they’re only allowed to have the emotions you find acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks everyone for your advice.

We've talked about changing bodies, sex, consent, sexual attraction, and bc for years now. I think it's 100% a different thing when it's happening to you and your body. She knows intellectually what's happening, but she is basically ignoring it. My close friend is a midwife and teaches a fantastic class on puberty. Her daughter (also 11) is taking it and my child refused, even though she is willing to do any activity with this friend.

I have an almost 14 year old son, so we've had lots of conversations with him about puberty and sex and hormones, etc. He doesn't love it, but he will sit and listen and absorb some of what we say. He has a few books, and I send him articles about different stages.

My 11 year old is just a different kind of kid. No period yet. And she wears baggy clothes, so her breast development is not necessarily noticeable, except in the white shirts. Thank you for the suggestions about the long camis with the shelf bras, I'll get her some of those too.

I will continue to be there for her, quietly, and hope that she'll feel comfortable to discuss this with someone as time goes on.

It’s fine for her to ignore it.

Sure. And she can just not wear a bra if she prefers, but if she is a b cup she is going to get her period very soon. She cannot ignore that or pretend it isn’t happening!

[Anonymous]

A cami with shelf bra or bralette under white shirts is a requirement as is daily showering, deodorant, teeth cleaning and clean hair.

No need for emo discussions. Just enforce rules and routines re: hygiene.

Also, leave pads in her room, backpack, etc.