Difficult MIL dynamic

[Anonymous]

Looking for advice and thoughts on a difficult MIL dynamic. DH's parents got divorced when he was a baby so he grew up with his mom and grandma who is long passed. MIL essentially never moved on from the divorce and has not made efforts to make friends or plan for her old age. Over time, DH has realized that he was subjected to parentification as a child.

She lays the guilt on HARD when we don't spend a holiday with her, so traditionally, she tags along with whatever we do. This means I either don't see my family of origin on holidays or she visits my parents with us (they live about 2 hours apart, about a six-hour drive from DC). I have a lot of empathy for her but she is hard to be around (a whole different post..) and this completely changes the tenor of the holidays. It makes me dread them, to be honest.

Is it fair for us to do holidays on our own or just with my family? How would you broach this? She has friends she could be with so she wouldn't be alone.

[Anonymous]

Hm.

I don’t have a DIL yet, but if she’s willing to attend holidays with your parents, that’s not odd at all. It’s not like she’s a random neighbor or person they knew decades ago who just reappeared for no reason.

How long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

Most ILs are “hard to be around”, btw. Especially in the first 10 years.

[Anonymous]

You’re contradicting yourself. First you say she has made no effort to make friends, then you say she has friends. Which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hm.

I don’t have a DIL yet, but if she’s willing to attend holidays with your parents, that’s not odd at all. It’s not like she’s a random neighbor or person they knew decades ago who just reappeared for no reason.

How long have you been married?

We've been married ten years. Our kids are early elementary. My parents are getting older and not really up for hosting big gatherings. I wish they would come to us and let us do it but they won't.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP she is willing to do your activities to be with your family.

If my MIL had been accommodating like that her relationship would be way better with her son.

I get it OP she's a pain to be around and most likely makes your life harder to include her in terms of logistics etc or you don't want her around all the time. I know it's hard.

Believe me it could be way worse. My MIL is.

[Anonymous]

It's absolutely fair to do holidays with your family alone. If she changes the dynamic of things, you're not getting quality time with your family.

I would alternate and be very clear in advance of this plan.

Your feelings matter too. If you say you "dread" the holidays, change the setup now. You deserve to enjoy holidays with your family also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP she is willing to do your activities to be with your family.

If my MIL had been accommodating like that her relationship would be way better with her son.

I get it OP she's a pain to be around and most likely makes your life harder to include her in terms of logistics etc or you don't want her around all the time. I know it's hard.

Believe me it could be way worse. My MIL is.

You have no idea what OP's MIL is like compared to yours. It's funny you encourage her to be more inclusive with her MIL but clearly aren't with yours!

[Anonymous]

We included my MIL in holiday celebrations with my parents, initially. She was widowed early into our marriage and my parents are laid back, welcoming people so I thought it would be fine. Unfortunately, MIL is controlling and domineering and literally treated my parents like the "hired help" two holidays in a row. I sat down with my Dh and explained that while I had empathy for MIL's situation, we would no longer be combining holidays. He and MIL didn't take it well but I held strong on the boundary. There's no reason my parents holidays should be ruined because of MIL. MIL still hasn't changed her behavior. 15 years later she's still controlling and domineering. We spend less time with her because she's not enjoyable to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We included my MIL in holiday celebrations with my parents, initially. She was widowed early into our marriage and my parents are laid back, welcoming people so I thought it would be fine. Unfortunately, MIL is controlling and domineering and literally treated my parents like the "hired help" two holidays in a row. I sat down with my Dh and explained that while I had empathy for MIL's situation, we would no longer be combining holidays. He and MIL didn't take it well but I held strong on the boundary. There's no reason my parents holidays should be ruined because of MIL. MIL still hasn't changed her behavior. 15 years later she's still controlling and domineering. We spend less time with her because she's not enjoyable to be around.

This was us too. I'm not willing to let one person like that ruin all holidays, so it's just "her" holidays that we dread. And it's been fewer and fewer until we basically she her once a year. I want to enjoy the holidays with my kids. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to be the who chooses where to set his boundaries with his mother.

Personally I'd go in thirds - a third of trips and vacations with her, a third just your immediate family and a third with your parents/sibs. And I'd encourage DH to tell MIL in no uncertain terms to cut it out with the guilt trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re contradicting yourself. First you say she has made no effort to make friends, then you say she has friends. Which is it?

You are right - I realized that after I sent it. She has a few lifelong friends that she can see for holidays. I mean she has not made an effort to move on with her life since my DH was a baby - never dated, hasn't made any kind of plan for her aging process but doesn't take great care of herself, is generally kind of helpless. Early in our relationship, I felt very bad for her and made a big effort to include her and have probably set kind of a bad pattern/expectation. She has gotten progressively meaner over time and is very manipulative with my kids. I won't get into it but it is a toxic situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We included my MIL in holiday celebrations with my parents, initially. She was widowed early into our marriage and my parents are laid back, welcoming people so I thought it would be fine. Unfortunately, MIL is controlling and domineering and literally treated my parents like the "hired help" two holidays in a row. I sat down with my Dh and explained that while I had empathy for MIL's situation, we would no longer be combining holidays. He and MIL didn't take it well but I held strong on the boundary. There's no reason my parents holidays should be ruined because of MIL. MIL still hasn't changed her behavior. 15 years later she's still controlling and domineering. We spend less time with her because she's not enjoyable to be around.

This was us too. I'm not willing to let one person like that ruin all holidays, so it's just "her" holidays that we dread. And it's been fewer and fewer until we basically she her once a year. I want to enjoy the holidays with my kids. Life is too short.

OP here - this is how I am feeling. She absolutely ruined Christmas for me this year for a variety of reasons. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

I know it’s hard but you have to change things if you don’t want to dread every holiday and/or be miserable every holiday for your kids’ whole childhoods. You need to tell your DH that from now on you will be alternating holidays (next year do Thanksgiving w MIL, Christmas w your parents) and tell MIL the new plan early on like tell her NOW what you’ll be doing Christmas 2024 so she has time to prepare.

She will probably not like it. She’ll probably get her feelings hurt. But it’s either that or continue dreading holidays and being miserable every holiday from here on out. Your kids are only little once and you only get so many holidays with them home. I’d personally not choose to ruin that for myself and my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hm.

I don’t have a DIL yet, but if she’s willing to attend holidays with your parents, that’s not odd at all. It’s not like she’s a random neighbor or person they knew decades ago who just reappeared for no reason.

How long have you been married?

We've been married ten years. Our kids are early elementary. My parents are getting older and not really up for hosting big gatherings. I wish they would come to us and let us do it but they won't.

Then it’s up to the hosts to communicate this information directly to the guests. You are not your parents’ current caregiver, correct? They have a phone they can use?