Worried my 14yo isn’t nice enough or open socially
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Anonymous
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My 14 yo son has a lot going for him. He’s a great athlete at his sport. He’s a good student. He is handsome. When you get to know him, he’s got a wonderful personality and is very funny, sweet, etc.
Socially, though, he’s really really closed off. He has always been this way. He keeps people at arms lengths. He’s got fewer than 5 friends. He receives invitations occasionally to hang out and prefers to stay at home alone and play video games. Sometimes I feel like he can be rude or even hurtful to others — an acquaintance who he really likes him this weekend and asked to hang out and his response was “nah I’m busy.” Isn’t this rude? And then there are certain groups like his teen cousins and a couple neighbors his age who he shut out years ago and refuses to really hang out with. When forced to be around them, he just sits on the couch on his phone and basically ignores them and when we tell him to hang out with them, he really just stays with the adults or goes off by himself. Should I be worried here? I love him and I know what a wonderful person he is, but I’m concerned that he is coming off as a jerk and will make enemies. You have to have a base level of kindness and politeness to get by in this world and I’m concerned he’s not meeting that base level. I’m also worried he’s going to end up really lonely with this approach. Or maybe I’m imposing my own values on him and should leave him alone to choose his own friends, and if he wants a smaller group that he rarely sees in person then leave him to do that ? He’s getting older so fast and I know My influence is waning. Not sure what to do. |
Anonymous
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I've also been horrified by the way my 15 year old son responds to his friends but I think we have to remember the way they communicate is not the same way middle aged ladies communicate. It's SUPER hard but I've realized that unless he's actively bullying/hurting others, I need to take a step back and let him manage his social life his own way, even if it's not the way I would do it.
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Anonymous
| If it’s any consolation, my brother was like this. College and work forced him out of his comfort zone and taught him to be somewhat nicer. He’s still very much an introvert (which is of course, just fine) and has a small group of close friends, is happily married with kids and very successful. His job requires him to be brutally direct with people at times and someone who craved approval from others would never be able to do it. He found his way, loves and is loved by others (despite the occasional prickliness!). |
Anonymous
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This is an interesting post. I have a kid like this, and it has hurt him, TBH.
It's mostly that he's an introvert with a very shy personality. The pandemic made it worse. I suspect he's mildly on the spectrum -- didn't show up when he was younger, but I see it now. I would model, model, model. Be warm and loving with him, and with your own friends. Make it easy for him -- make sure he knows that kids can come over at any time. Aside from that, there's not a lot you can do. But honestly, I welcome suggestions! |
Anonymous
| Take away his phone at family gatherings |
Anonymous
This is good to remember. Our parents were horrified by us too most likely. |
Anonymous
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Fewer than 5 friends? Ha ha ha.
My son has no friends. My daughter has one friend. Both teens. Son is on the spectrum. Daughter is not, but has social anxiety. From where I'm sitting, your son is doing fine. |
Anonymous
| My DC is just like this. We recently received a high functioning ASD diagnosis which shocked us. Its all related to social skills. That being said, the doc said this wouldn't have even been looked at as "on the spectrum" 10 years ago. |
Anonymous
I agree with you completely. We have a 17 yo 11th grader year old who is similar...introverted, a 2-3 close friends, prefers to stay home, etc. We require him to go out with us as much as possible and also chat with friends of ours who come over. I just hope he further develops his social skills during the rest of HS. He is college bound, and I worry he'll struggle socially. |
Anonymous
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That kind of irritable negative view on life could be innate, could be mild anxiety/depression. Was he always like this? My teen daughter was somewhat like this in middle school and freshman year, but was very open and had lots of friends in grade school, and now in 10th grade is a social butterfly. I think for her it was anxiety - she has ocd traits, insecurity, had issues with self harm and disordered eating around this age. Which sounds really alarming and it is but from talking to mom friends an alarming number of kids deal with this from 11-15 ish, tied to puberty hormones.
At 14, he’s dealing with the rush of testosterone - which does cause boys to be irritable - this is likely to improve in later high school ages as that even outs. |
Anonymous
I agree with this and this + some introvertedness was my thought until you described how he behaves when forced to be around people he wouldn't choose to hang out with. My son is 18 now and he's dome out of his shell and I have no concerns anymore. He's confident, funny, interesting and still a bit on the reserved side. He really matured a lot socially just last summer. So don't give up. I relatively confident he'll find his people at college (he'll be on a sports team so that will help). I would consider whether you think there is an element of arrogance to the rudeness. I would tell him that this is how he's likely to be perceived by others. His reaction will tell you a lot. Regardless, most kids at 18 aren't the same they were at 14- teens change very fast, so just try to guide him to move in the direction of being more polite and sociable. |
Anonymous
| Agree with the model model model. I’ve had a hard time with this but this ecourse helped me learn what I need to do to help w the modeling https://theracourses.teachable.com/p/translatingteens |