Tell boss about my personal issues?

[Anonymous]

I received news that hit me really hard about a month ago - basically my kids other parent decided not to return from overseas this summer as planned. I have been doing things on my own for 3 years and was looking forward to being able to have some time to myself again, and the kids miss him. But he doesn’t want to be here and there’s nothing I can do about that.

I am emotionally reeling. I’m really sad that my kids dad isn’t coming back to them. I have friends and family to vent to, but it’s gotten to the point emotionally where I’ve not been able to focus well at work and my work is suffering.

I have a couple of close friends at work (though we are currently not working for the same office) who I’ve been able to share this with, and it helps a little. But my current boss on a team I am still kind of new to has no idea.

I feel like I should tell him. If it was something medical, I would say so, right? Even if I didn’t give details. I feel like this is sort of similar.

[Anonymous]

Nope. You go to the boss with concrete issues, like you're getting divorced and have to be off for court dates, or you need several weeks off to take kids to visit the other parent in a foreign country. You don't confide above romantic and emotional issues.

[Anonymous]

No.

This is the kind of mistake I made in my 20s.

Your boss is not your friend. You are there to work. If this awful situation is interfering with your work, talk to a counselor, not to your boss.

[Anonymous]

Not a troll. There have been a lot of ups and downs in the last few years, and work has mostly been a respite from all that. Something is different now where I feel less resilient and it is all catching up with me.

[Anonymous]

No no and no. And you wouldn't tell them anything medical either.

[Anonymous]

Of course you don't tell them. What do you expect them to do with that information? They still need you to produce as an employee. If you need to use your EAP or health insurance for therapy, then do that.

[Anonymous]

Agreed with others, this is a troll. Also agreed with others, you tell them nothing, ever, about anything. Firewall between work and home.

[Anonymous]

Ok, well since the advice is unanimous, I will go with not telling.

How generous of you to provide advice to someone you perceive as a troll.
Other than having a very stupid question in a moment of weakness, what did I do wrong here that made my post look troll-y?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you’re a troll, I’m a boss of 50 people and occasionally someone gives me a long story about their personal life that makes me uncomfortable and also convinces me they’re not doing much work during the day.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but please continue to lean on people other than your supervisor for emotional support.

[Anonymous]

Ignore all the haters.

But give a moment of consideration to why you wanted to share.

Is it because you really need some sort of accommodation at work?

Or do you just feel you need to space to grieve this and want someone to know?

Either of those are things you might want to pursue for your own sake. For instance, maybe you cannot get an accommodation at work, but you might need to take a vacation day for yourself. You may also be reacting to what you feel is a sense of authenticity in the workplace, given that there is this huge part of you that your boss does not know about. I think we all feel that way often. And it’s a bit uncomfortable and perhaps you want to build towards having a more personal relationship with your boss, but unless there’s actually something actionable you need from your workplace at the moment I would put that on a longer timeline and keep things professional.

[Anonymous]

Pp. A sense of inauthenticity, not authenticity.

I think we all carry around things at work most other people don’t know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all the haters.

But give a moment of consideration to why you wanted to share.

Is it because you really need some sort of accommodation at work?

Or do you just feel you need to space to grieve this and want someone to know?

Either of those are things you might want to pursue for your own sake. For instance, maybe you cannot get an accommodation at work, but you might need to take a vacation day for yourself. You may also be reacting to what you feel is a sense of authenticity in the workplace, given that there is this huge part of you that your boss does not know about. I think we all feel that way often. And it’s a bit uncomfortable and perhaps you want to build towards having a more personal relationship with your boss, but unless there’s actually something actionable you need from your workplace at the moment I would put that on a longer timeline and keep things professional.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through a rough time (and not sure why anyone would think you're a troll).

The above is your one decent response on this thread. Agree that unless you're asking for something specific, probably not helpful to bring it up.

Sending good thoughts your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a troll. There have been a lot of ups and downs in the last few years, and work has mostly been a respite from all that. Something is different now where I feel less resilient and it is all catching up with me.

You need to talk to your doctor about anxiety/depression meds. Your boss is not your therapist. You need to focus on your kids and your job, not someone who abandoned the situation and is causing you to spiral. Your children depend on you. Also, find a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Why are there so many mean people on this thread? OP, my suggestion is to not tell, but figure out how to take some time off to either handle things logistically, or give yourself a mental break. Ideally vacation days here and there so you don’t have to reveal anything, otherwise apply for FMLA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all the haters.

But give a moment of consideration to why you wanted to share.

Is it because you really need some sort of accommodation at work?

Or do you just feel you need to space to grieve this and want someone to know?

Either of those are things you might want to pursue for your own sake. For instance, maybe you cannot get an accommodation at work, but you might need to take a vacation day for yourself. You may also be reacting to what you feel is a sense of authenticity in the workplace, given that there is this huge part of you that your boss does not know about. I think we all feel that way often. And it’s a bit uncomfortable and perhaps you want to build towards having a more personal relationship with your boss, but unless there’s actually something actionable you need from your workplace at the moment I would put that on a longer timeline and keep things professional.

This.

If I were you, I'd just take some leave, but use the time to do things that will help you get to a place where you can focus on work more.