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[quote=Anonymous]Op I get it.  I not only spend a lot of time and energy on the care I also realized I drive about 40- 60- miles week extra to take my mom places and visit (she is 7 miles from me). I don’t pay myself hourly but I decided to do hello fresh meal delivery 3x/week on her card. I also now use Instacart for her to send groceries so I’m not there every single day like before and hired someone to help her even though she is in an expensive assisted living .

However the big stride/transition was very hard and it all fell on me and happened 9 months after we moved to a new city and I started a new job and my kids started new middle school. I have one sibling, unmarried no kids, who did next to nothing (he mailed 6 boxes I packed that weren’t picked up by mover and he didn’t keep receipt and they never showed up). More broadly I hired and oversaw my mothers move from her house of 50 years i to AL, oversaw the major renovation (floors kitchen all bathrooms exterior paint and selection of all lighting tile etc) and then subsequent rental of the home (sibling wanted to rent not sell but then didnt manage any of it: I did insurance interviews managers etc). and of course now I am the one to do all her care, finances etc. I took multiple weeks off to deal with this and to boot I lived across country while sibling was on same coast 2 hr drive away (mom is now out where I am).

I had a lot of resentment but now that the worst is over (moving out, renovations, renting out house) it’s subsided a bit. I still  take care of my mom but it’s more routine (doctors , daily calls, visit 1-2 x/week, dinners out etc). I’ve k
Learned to draw some boundaries. If I’m the future my burdens increase again I have no issue paying myself if needed but honestly it’s not money it’s time . That’s the precious commodity.

Finally I look at it this way: dealing with all this was very difficult, downsizing her and getting rid of generations of stuff (she was only child) was hard but now it’s done. When she passes I will be able to grieve and not also have to deal with cleaning out a home. (Of course I’m also executor I’d estate so three will be work but at least some of it’s done now for me and it sounds like for you too).  And while I have mixed feelings about being her caregiver I also feel I’m doing the right thing while maintaining some boundaries (I stopped taking her to the doctor every week because of her insane health anxiety and conviction she has cancer etc, which is manifestation of her Alzheimer’s.)[/quote]

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