I’m the invisible person .. what’s it like on the other side? From your perspective

[Anonymous]

I’m the friend who everyone forgets to call, “Oh no! I forgot to call you and tell you that we decided to not go after all ”.

I’m that person never mentioned in the actual meetings or an acknowledged in the moment, but later thanked for my contribution in the “Oh! That’s right, thank you for helping make xyz happen” manner.

I’m the person who always seems to be forgotten about but also needed for something if that makes sense. People always say we are best friends but then forget to include me in core moments and tell me that they will always be there if I need anything… but forget important moments in my life, “Oh! You did say that you changed jobs and were moving to Wyoming next year, didn’t you!”

People often tell me their deep secrets without my prompting or trust me with information that I do not wish to know. Colleagues say that I am sweet, considerate, or kind, yet I never feel the same way about myself. People seem to trust me with a lot, yet I don’t always trust myself with my own abilities or needs or wants. I overthink everything and get intense anxiety when I need to speak up or attention is on me.

Help me understand how others may be viewing me as a person.

[Anonymous]

You are a doormat who doesn’t call attention to yourself, so people don’t notice or remember you. You will never offend anyone, but you are not memorable.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with PP - nothing you said indicates doormat status. I bet you’re quiet and very likable, but perceived as an introvert who doesn’t need/want the attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with PP - nothing you said indicates doormat status. I bet you’re quiet and very likable, but perceived as an introvert who doesn’t need/want the attention.

I agree with this. You are also probably viewed as strong and self-sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Pps for these inputs. Its helpful, I was once a very violent and rompus teen so my personality has mellowed quite a bit as I aged. My life was a bit front loaded, I was again, loud, violent, troubled teen into crime, bad boys, drugs ..the like, all by age 15. First kid by 23. So now I feel like I’m on the mellower end of things.

[Anonymous]

When I worked in retail, it seemed like it was the obviously bumbling idiots who somehow managed to do something right that customers felt sorry for & submitted a positive comment for. The customers seldom complimented the obviously smart & capable workers, apparently because they knew those people didn’t need the boost that a compliment would provide.

[Anonymous]

This is how I view you:

"Ah shit, Jane. I forgot about Jane. Let me check in with Jane I LoVE her. Shit laundry."
"Guys where's Jane? She's not on the invite? Shit, someone text her. I lOVe her."

See, people love you but their noticings are very sporadic and scattered and are not to do with you. If you hear of something, don't assume you are left out-- pipe up: What's that on Saturday? Then they will say "Shit, Jane-- you didn't hear? you have to come!" Don't assume you are not included. Most people are inclusive and have a good heart. Unless they are biothches and don't waste time with them anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP if this is a pattern and it's making you unhappy it may be either you have distorted thinking (assume the worst, don't look for alternate evidence) or poor boundaries. I have had friends who felt like they were all take and I was an afterthought, but I made a bunch of excuses too because we can all be overburdened, burned out, flaky. I just changed my boundaries. It wasn't that I stated that the person must do something. I simply put less energy into the person, got together less and detached some and then found my comfort zone where I enjoyed the friendship. It was about changes I could make, not about trying to make the other person change.

[Anonymous]

I view you as a person who has taken “invisible person” as an identity when there is no reason to believe that. Look into why you have chosen to surround yourself with flighty friends when you can choose otherwise? Or is it really that you just notice the flighty friend behavior more because you think you are invisible, and ignoring the people who are actually paying attention to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how I view you:

"Ah shit, Jane. I forgot about Jane. Let me check in with Jane I LoVE her. Shit laundry."
"Guys where's Jane? She's not on the invite? Shit, someone text her. I lOVe her."

See, people love you but their noticings are very sporadic and scattered and are not to do with you. If you hear of something, don't assume you are left out-- pipe up: What's that on Saturday? Then they will say "Shit, Jane-- you didn't hear? you have to come!" Don't assume you are not included. Most people are inclusive and have a good heart. Unless they are biothches and don't waste time with them anyway.

I relate to OP and this post pretty much confirms…we’re not a priority for you. You have a fleeting thought about us and then forget to act on it.
OP, I agree with the post that says people see us as strong/self-sufficient and therefore don’t feel the need to check in. I also recognize in myself the tendency to have “flaky” friends who i make excuses for, oh she has so much more going on than i do…
I’m learning to evaluate which people I am fine with being invisible to and which to just not take personally

[Anonymous]

People often tell me their deep secrets without my prompting or trust me with information that I do not wish to know.

You sound like you might be an INFJ? See Myers Briggs. I am one, and the above is so true...

[Anonymous]

You are nice but not really that fun so you don’t bring a lot to the group.

[Anonymous]

You sound amazing OP. I understand your confusion but I say…embrace who you are. If you have a moment where you want to stand out, you know how to do that.

[Anonymous]

I am the unobtrusive good listener who works in the background and doesn't put herself forward.

I have never felt pained by people ignoring me. When I need to speak up, I do, and people listen. My work is respected. I have 3 good friends, who remember my birthday and call me regularly. I am not on social media.

The only issue, OP, is that your desire to be noticed exceeds your ability to be noticed. If you adjusted one of them to match the other, you wouldn't be in this predicament. Which one do you think you can change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks Pps for these inputs. Its helpful, I was once a very violent and rompus teen so my personality has mellowed quite a bit as I aged. My life was a bit front loaded, I was again, loud, violent, troubled teen into crime, bad boys, drugs ..the like, all by age 15. First kid by 23. So now I feel like I’m on the mellower end of things.

Do people know this?