Husband Raises His Voice to Me Every Single Day

[Anonymous]

For the last five to ten years, my husband yells at me loudly literally every single day if I bring up anything that he doesn't like to hear -- i.e. asking him to remember to lock the door when he comes in or leaves the house, saying that we should leave a little earlier for a destination because there is extra traffic that day (he says I am trying to control him when I say that). Just about everything upsets him, and he starts yelling at the top of his voice, eyes bulging, saliva coming out of his mouth. It's particularly strange because it's not even "hot topics" that might generate this level of anger. It is his daily response to just about everything. I used to get upset back and insist that the things he was saying weren't true. But it has gotten to the point where I just keep calmly repeating, "Why are you screaming? This is not something to get so upset about and can just be discussed calmly." Nothing seems to calm him down. He has recently started ADHD medication, which I was hoping would help him control his temper, but it has not helped so far in that department. Has anyone dealt with this? If so, what worked? He will not go to see a psychologist because "he does not have an anger issue." He is approaching sixty years old, so I don't know if this is some kind of male menopause issue, but he has become a raging monster.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been with him- what amount of time was there no yelling?
This just seems intolerable- why are you staying?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you treat him like a child and “manage” him like he is an imbecile. In that context, yes, every little thing you are controlling about implies that he is incompetent and would cause boiling rage.

[Anonymous]

It has been almost thirty years. He was relatively normal for the first ten years, other than having occasional outbursts that went beyond what would be a normal amount of anger in that situation. His parents had knock-down, drag-out fights that involved physical fighting on both parents' parts, so I think his idea of what is normal is quite skewed. I just don't know how I am going to put up with this for another ten to twenty years. It is just scary to think about being all alone at almost sixty years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you treat him like a child and “manage” him like he is an imbecile. In that context, yes, every little thing you are controlling about implies that he is incompetent and would cause boiling rage.

The words are right but the assignments are wrong. OP ought to have boiling rage dealing with an imbecile who she ought not to have to try to control at this age.

Regardless, is there anything this man has to offer? Any chance he has a brain tumor? You don’t want to spend your old age with this kind of guy.

[Anonymous]

I've actually started wondering whether it could be early signs of dementia. However, he has always had a bad temper. It has just escalated a great deal during the last several years. I have told him that he is acting more erratic and is unable to control his temper and have suggested that he should see a doctor. That provoked another outburst, so I am not sure how to handle this going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've actually started wondering whether it could be early signs of dementia. However, he has always had a bad temper. It has just escalated a great deal during the last several years. I have told him that he is acting more erratic and is unable to control his temper and have suggested that he should see a doctor. That provoked another outburst, so I am not sure how to handle this going forward.

The best way to handle bad temper is to just ignore, don’t say much to him about anything of actual substance, and do your own thing (go out and see friends, hobbies, hang out in different room when home etc). See if that makes any difference. If you don’t want to divorce, that is…

[Anonymous]

Laugh in his face. Tell him he has eroded any love you once had for him. Move to the guest room. Recoil in disgust when he reaches for you.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would you live in an environment where somebody screams at you daily? I'd have given an ultimatum after one month and filed for divorce at the end of three months, max.

[Anonymous]

How f-ed up are your kids? What a disgrace.

[Anonymous]

Other than laughing in his face, I am doing all of the above. I can't even imagine how he expects me to be intimate with him after he hurls insults and yells at me daily. And I don't even let him get near enough to me now to even recoil at his touch.

[Anonymous]

For the most part (but not always), he saves his outbursts for when the kids aren't around. And they are older, so they are not around as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you treat him like a child and “manage” him like he is an imbecile. In that context, yes, every little thing you are controlling about implies that he is incompetent and would cause boiling rage.

No

DP

He is in control of how he reacts to communicates. Always.

He’s got a lot more wrong with him than ADHD. He sounds very difficult to live with. Try getting away a lot and vacationing with friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've actually started wondering whether it could be early signs of dementia. However, he has always had a bad temper. It has just escalated a great deal during the last several years. I have told him that he is acting more erratic and is unable to control his temper and have suggested that he should see a doctor. That provoked another outburst, so I am not sure how to handle this going forward.

OP this is totally possible. He is around the age where my grandmother's behavior became much more erratic and she wasn't diagnosed with Alzheimer's for a decade more. When my parents discuss they posit that she was showing signs of dementia in her 50s. I noticed a similar thing with my father, a behavior change, but strokes were the culprit.

Men are also angry when they are depressed. DH went through a screaming phase at midlife and it was only a real threat of divorce and cajoling/shaming from family and our pastor that led him to get help. But I was 100% ready to leave and was getting my ducks in a row, and that was after years of the behavior. He says now that he really needed counselling. It boggles my mind, honestly, how anyone thinks it is ok to treat their family that way. I think about it so much.

[Anonymous]

I have told him that I have read articles indicating that men who are depressed often exhibit greater signs of anger, but that again angered him, and he insisted that I am the root of all his problems. I have been begging him for years to get tested for ADHD and, more recently, to see a psychologist about possible depression. He finally got the ADHD testing and was indeed diagnosed after nearly thirty years of my begging him to go. He still refuses to discuss the possibility of depression though.