Mother becoming increasingly narcissistic

[Anonymous]

My mother lately calls to pick fights or send rude text messages about things I haven't included her on. Will inquire about a kid and then badmouth my parenting. My kids are in their teens with regular long time schedules and their own personalities so it's weird. I can't do much to change them now and we are trying not to bother her. The other day she told me it was hard to look at me because I had gained weight. She's lost a filter for friendliness and as a result I hate being around her. If I call any of this out she plays games like forgetting she said something or asks why I'm always mad at her. Turns the issue into mine. I understand that she's losing her ability to comprehend situations and get along but it all still bothers me when an insult happens in the middle of an activity we are doing or at work or with others including my kids. They've started to pick up a bit on handing out insults more regularly too.

So what can I do to both help her and myself not have rows about small insignificant things and also help her recover from this behavior? She has always been slightly narcissistic but now it's much more regular and in multiple areas of our life.

[Anonymous]

There is probably not a whole lot you can do to change your mom's behavior at this point. Old people seem to become more "themselves" as they age, be it good or bad. Also, people who are narcissists tend to not be able to receive feedback about their own behavior. They will turn it against you and make it your fault.

Look up the term "gray rock." This means limiting exposure to your mom - be it phone calls or in person visits. Keep it very superficial. Do not let her in to your or your children's struggles because you will not get the support you are seeking. Talk about the weather, your weekend plans, the dog. Keep it short. Protect yourself and your kids from her negativity. You can do this without excluding her completely from your life.

[Anonymous]

Do you think the gray rock also helps them with their lives? It's truly heartbreaking to see her be so mean over tiny things in life. I'm feeling like she might be very stressed.

You hear a lot about narcissism but not how to help someone with it.

[Anonymous]

I often see posters advise on regular set times/days to talk to your parents. This would give you time to prepare yourself and give you other times when you are off duty. I am also a proponent of calling from the car when I am off to a destination (grocery store). When you arrive, tell them you have to finish the call.

[Anonymous]

Seems like dementia. She really is forgetting stuff. She has diminished emotional control, which is why she’s more volatile.

She should have bloodwork done and cognitive tests.

[Anonymous]

My mom isn't quite gotten to the point of increasing insults but she increasingly complains about the same things she can't control. I mean, I get it. These are things that are complaint worthy. I don't see what the point is of constantly complaining about them. So, I just listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like dementia. She really is forgetting stuff. She has diminished emotional control, which is why she’s more volatile.

She should have bloodwork done and cognitive tests.

Agrees. It's definitely dementia. So what cones next?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think the gray rock also helps them with their lives? It's truly heartbreaking to see her be so mean over tiny things in life. I'm feeling like she might be very stressed.

You hear a lot about narcissism but not how to help someone with it.

As they say on the airplane, put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. I think the gray rock poster has great advice. It's easier for me to say than for me to do this sometimes but a) accept that this is the way she is and b) do not engage with her troublesome behavior by arguing with her or defending yourself. Take control and accept that she's not the mom you deserve.

That was the hardest part for me with my mom. I'd share stuff with her as I always did and then she'd come back later when she felt anxious and threatened by something and throw it in my face. I, of course, would try to defend myself, which didn't help. It was hard to learn not to share stuff with her at those moments when everything seemed all right. But I eventually did and our relationship got better. Good luck, OP! This sounds hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think the gray rock also helps them with their lives? It's truly heartbreaking to see her be so mean over tiny things in life. I'm feeling like she might be very stressed.

You hear a lot about narcissism but not how to help someone with it.

As they say on the airplane, put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. I think the gray rock poster has great advice. It's easier for me to say than for me to do this sometimes but a) accept that this is the way she is and b) do not engage with her troublesome behavior by arguing with her or defending yourself. Take control and accept that she's not the mom you deserve.

That was the hardest part for me with my mom. I'd share stuff with her as I always did and then she'd come back later when she felt anxious and threatened by something and throw it in my face. I, of course, would try to defend myself, which didn't help. It was hard to learn not to share stuff with her at those moments when everything seemed all right. But I eventually did and our relationship got better. Good luck, OP! This sounds hard!

This. I relate so much.I tried all the strategies, but grey rock worked best and detaching with love. If she is willing to be evaluated for dementia and get a psychiatric for anxiety meds and see a therapist-great, but most likely she won't be. I would let her primary care physician know concerns so she can be screened, but you cannot force anything when the person is still cognitively capable. You just don't enable her and you protect yourself.

I keep to safe topics and change topic and sometimes leave if she hits on a topic that starts issue and won't let go. I send cards for holidays with pleasant wishes.I only meet in places with witnesses because behind close doors she will rage.

People will say it's the aging brain and dementia talking, but this is who she has always been just with fewer filters and not allowing input from others when her rage and abuse gets out of control. Her side of it all is everyone should cater to her and not expect her to "behave."

I am pretty sure I would be dead right now if I had not set boundaries. I was in the hospital with a life threatening illness and this woman was calling making demands on me and enraged I inconvenienced her. I could go on and on, but when I finally stopped trying strategies in therapy to dance around her and made it clear no abuse was allowed, I started to get healthier.

[Anonymous]

It is not reasonable of you to expected reasonable behavior from any unreasonable person.

Drop the need for a Mother

Sorry to be so direct but: this isn't going to change and you need to protect yourself (emotionally)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think the gray rock also helps them with their lives? It's truly heartbreaking to see her be so mean over tiny things in life. I'm feeling like she might be very stressed.

You hear a lot about narcissism but not how to help someone with it.

You cannot help someone who does not genuinely want help or even think they have a problem for that matter. All you can do is have boundaries to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

You cannot train a narc into good behavior. Avoid her. Ive cut out several toxic people from my life and I don't regret it.

[Anonymous]

Well, people don't just become narcissistic. She's either been like this all her life (which I think you would know), or something has lowered her threshold for "honesty."

She may have the beginnings of dementia or have had a small stroke. I'm not sure it will get better if you find out the cause, but it may make it easier on you mentally to know why.

Either way—it's hard, OP. I'm sorry. It's OK to limit exposure to what you can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, people don't just become narcissistic. She's either been like this all her life (which I think you would know), or something has lowered her threshold for "honesty."

She may have the beginnings of dementia or have had a small stroke. I'm not sure it will get better if you find out the cause, but it may make it easier on you mentally to know why.

Either way—it's hard, OP. I'm sorry. It's OK to limit exposure to what you can handle.

I think she's always seen herself as a good person and used to be able to put in the energy to do so which would counter some of her narcissistic qualities. She has less of a filter and less energy so the work to be kind has drifted away amd what is remaining are the judgments that were always there but now with a stroke of meanness to them. It's kind of a stripping away of effort and also poise in speech.