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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do you think the gray rock also helps them with their lives? It's truly heartbreaking to see her be so mean over tiny things in life. I'm feeling like she might be very stressed.

You hear a lot about narcissism but not how to help someone with it.[/quote]As they say on the airplane, put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. I think the gray rock poster has great advice. It's easier for me to say than for me to do this sometimes but a) accept that this is the way she is and b) do not engage with her troublesome behavior by arguing with her or defending yourself.  Take control and accept that she's not the mom you deserve.

That was the hardest part for me with my mom. I'd share stuff with her as I always did and then she'd come back later when she felt anxious and threatened by something and throw it in my face.  I, of course, would try to defend myself, which didn't help.  It was hard to learn not to share stuff with her at those moments when everything seemed all right. But I eventually did and our relationship got better.  Good luck, OP!  This sounds hard![/quote]

This. I relate so much.I tried all the strategies, but grey rock worked best and detaching with love. If she is willing to be evaluated for dementia and get a psychiatric for anxiety meds and see a therapist-great, but most likely she won't be. I would let her primary care physician know concerns so she can be screened, but you cannot force anything when the person is still cognitively capable. You just don't enable her and you protect yourself.

I keep to safe topics and change topic and sometimes leave if she hits on a topic that starts issue and won't let go. I send cards for holidays with pleasant wishes.I only meet in places with witnesses because behind close doors she will rage.

People will say it's the aging brain and dementia talking, but this is who she has always been just with fewer filters and not allowing input from others when her rage and abuse gets out of control. Her side of it all is everyone should cater to her and not expect her to "behave."

I am pretty sure I would be dead right now if I had not set boundaries. I was in the hospital with a life threatening illness and this woman was calling making demands on me and enraged I inconvenienced her. I could go on and on, but when I finally stopped trying strategies in therapy to dance around her and made it clear no abuse was allowed, I started to get healthier.[/quote]

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