Everyone is an outsider to DH family

[Anonymous]

Yet they each individually expect you to fully accept THEIR “new person”. Does this make sense?

I’m so sick of it. My SIL hates everyone from “the outdside”. New boyrfriends? New husbands? Absolutely not. But HER new boy toy? We must all fawn.

Wtf? Anyone else have family like this?

[Anonymous]

Why does this bother you so much?

[Anonymous]

Some people look for drama. Can you imagine a guy bringing this up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people look for drama. Can you imagine a guy bringing this up?

My DH is that guy. He doesn't articulate it like that. But basically family is him, his parents and siblings. It's a specific mindset, I understand what OP means.

OP, overtime this insular system is not accepting of strangers, so basically the sister will be made to see how her boy toy doesn't measure up to their fine core family and she will eventually agree. People might stay together with their spouses but still not have both feet in, even after houses, children, etc. Parents' and siblings' judgement will always be more important.

[Anonymous]

Is this new boy toy asking you to pour him a glass of sparkling wine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people look for drama. Can you imagine a guy bringing this up?

My DH is that guy. He doesn't articulate it like that. But basically family is him, his parents and siblings. It's a specific mindset, I understand what OP means.

OP, overtime this insular system is not accepting of strangers, so basically the sister will be made to see how her boy toy doesn't measure up to their fine core family and she will eventually agree. People might stay together with their spouses but still not have both feet in, even after houses, children, etc. Parents' and siblings' judgement will always be more important.

+1 My DH's family (South American immigrants) is the same way, although my DH is not. However, my DH didn't see it for a very long time (like 15 years). It's caused a number of issues in our relationship. Counseling helped our core relationship but for a very long time I just refused to go to his family events because I had no interest in being treated like a second class citizen.

Once his parents' generation started dying off, things got immensely better. Yet, anytime an out of country/town relative visits, vestiges reappear. Just last month, a male relative was over for dinner. He knows a lot of the family history and was telling DH and the kids (young adults) about it. He actually used the phrase, 'not of the blood', several times! Meaning, that person really wasn't a 'Larlason' because 'they weren't of the blood'. THAT, probably more than anything, really brought home to DH the insularity of his family.

[Anonymous]

“Larlason” hahaha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people look for drama. Can you imagine a guy bringing this up?

My DH is that guy. He doesn't articulate it like that. But basically family is him, his parents and siblings. It's a specific mindset, I understand what OP means.

OP, overtime this insular system is not accepting of strangers, so basically the sister will be made to see how her boy toy doesn't measure up to their fine core family and she will eventually agree. People might stay together with their spouses but still not have both feet in, even after houses, children, etc. Parents' and siblings' judgement will always be more important.

+1 My DH's family (South American immigrants) is the same way, although my DH is not. However, my DH didn't see it for a very long time (like 15 years). It's caused a number of issues in our relationship. Counseling helped our core relationship but for a very long time I just refused to go to his family events because I had no interest in being treated like a second class citizen.

Once his parents' generation started dying off, things got immensely better. Yet, anytime an out of country/town relative visits, vestiges reappear. Just last month, a male relative was over for dinner. He knows a lot of the family history and was telling DH and the kids (young adults) about it. He actually used the phrase, 'not of the blood', several times! Meaning, that person really wasn't a 'Larlason' because 'they weren't of the blood'. THAT, probably more than anything, really brought home to DH the insularity of his family.

Let me guess, these people are Caucasian with Nazi roots

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people look for drama. Can you imagine a guy bringing this up?

My DH is that guy. He doesn't articulate it like that. But basically family is him, his parents and siblings. It's a specific mindset, I understand what OP means.

OP, overtime this insular system is not accepting of strangers, so basically the sister will be made to see how her boy toy doesn't measure up to their fine core family and she will eventually agree. People might stay together with their spouses but still not have both feet in, even after houses, children, etc. Parents' and siblings' judgement will always be more important.

+1 My DH's family (South American immigrants) is the same way, although my DH is not. However, my DH didn't see it for a very long time (like 15 years). It's caused a number of issues in our relationship. Counseling helped our core relationship but for a very long time I just refused to go to his family events because I had no interest in being treated like a second class citizen.

Once his parents' generation started dying off, things got immensely better. Yet, anytime an out of country/town relative visits, vestiges reappear. Just last month, a male relative was over for dinner. He knows a lot of the family history and was telling DH and the kids (young adults) about it. He actually used the phrase, 'not of the blood', several times! Meaning, that person really wasn't a 'Larlason' because 'they weren't of the blood'. THAT, probably more than anything, really brought home to DH the insularity of his family.

Let me guess, these people are Caucasian with Nazi roots

NP and I am definitely imagining blond Argentinians who immigrated there in 1945 for no specific reason………

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet they each individually expect you to fully accept THEIR “new person”. Does this make sense?

I’m so sick of it. My SIL hates everyone from “the outdside”. New boyrfriends? New husbands? Absolutely not. But HER new boy toy? We must all fawn.

Wtf? Anyone else have family like this?

My SIL is like this. Anyone outside her DH and her DC are persona non grata, AND her DC and DH are the only ones that matter. Every one from outside the family catches on immediately, and so do most family members. It just makes her look weird and unlikable. We don't mention it, it is mentioned to us.

We listen, and it confirms and corresponds to what most people say about SIL. So, to us it is a non issue because everyone else sees the blatant SIL behaviors. It is what narcissists do, OP. It has nothing to do with you. It is all about her. She only recently learned not to talk about "what she does" in response to something someone brings up, as a matter of conversation. For a long time, the only friends she had were the other SIL's friends. I think that (the other) SIL finally said something to her (akin to get your own friends). Sadly (the first) SIL has no friends really to speak of from childhood, and seemingly only has friends from pre-arranged groups.

SIL is also codependent/enabled by MIL, so it is what it is. Actually, many people who know both SIL and MIL have told DH and us that we are nicer than expected, when they meet DH and I - which does not surprise us to hear that. It does not have to affect you, OP. SIL was like this before you knew her, and she will always be this way - it is how she is wired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people look for drama. Can you imagine a guy bringing this up?

My DH is that guy. He doesn't articulate it like that. But basically family is him, his parents and siblings. It's a specific mindset, I understand what OP means.

OP, overtime this insular system is not accepting of strangers, so basically the sister will be made to see how her boy toy doesn't measure up to their fine core family and she will eventually agree. People might stay together with their spouses but still not have both feet in, even after houses, children, etc. Parents' and siblings' judgement will always be more important.

+1 My DH's family (South American immigrants) is the same way, although my DH is not. However, my DH didn't see it for a very long time (like 15 years). It's caused a number of issues in our relationship. Counseling helped our core relationship but for a very long time I just refused to go to his family events because I had no interest in being treated like a second class citizen.

Once his parents' generation started dying off, things got immensely better. Yet, anytime an out of country/town relative visits, vestiges reappear. Just last month, a male relative was over for dinner. He knows a lot of the family history and was telling DH and the kids (young adults) about it. He actually used the phrase, 'not of the blood', several times! Meaning, that person really wasn't a 'Larlason' because 'they weren't of the blood'. THAT, probably more than anything, really brought home to DH the insularity of his family.

Let me guess, these people are Caucasian with Nazi roots

DP here. Yes, insular and clannish is a good way to describe it. Crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people look for drama. Can you imagine a guy bringing this up?

My DH is that guy. He doesn't articulate it like that. But basically family is him, his parents and siblings. It's a specific mindset, I understand what OP means.

OP, overtime this insular system is not accepting of strangers, so basically the sister will be made to see how her boy toy doesn't measure up to their fine core family and she will eventually agree. People might stay together with their spouses but still not have both feet in, even after houses, children, etc. Parents' and siblings' judgement will always be more important.

+1 My DH's family (South American immigrants) is the same way, although my DH is not. However, my DH didn't see it for a very long time (like 15 years). It's caused a number of issues in our relationship. Counseling helped our core relationship but for a very long time I just refused to go to his family events because I had no interest in being treated like a second class citizen.

Once his parents' generation started dying off, things got immensely better. Yet, anytime an out of country/town relative visits, vestiges reappear. Just last month, a male relative was over for dinner. He knows a lot of the family history and was telling DH and the kids (young adults) about it. He actually used the phrase, 'not of the blood', several times! Meaning, that person really wasn't a 'Larlason' because 'they weren't of the blood'. THAT, probably more than anything, really brought home to DH the insularity of his family.

Let me guess, these people are Caucasian with Nazi roots

NP and I am definitely imagining blond Argentinians who immigrated there in 1945 for no specific reason………

I am the PP who this PP was responding to. I don't know what blood her DH's family is of, but mine is also from S America and indigenous (think native american). All kinds of people discriminate other people, not just nazis. I am white and European if that matters.

[Anonymous]

I have in-laws from another country, and they don't like anyone from outside their culture. However, someone will show up at a gathering for the first time ever, never seen this person before, and they are treated like family. I was married to my husband for almost 15 years before they were even civil to me.

[Anonymous]

Adding to my comment above, I meant someone from their culture, obviously, can show up for the first time and be treated well. Versus me, after 25 years now, still only tolerated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people look for drama. Can you imagine a guy bringing this up?

My DH is that guy. He doesn't articulate it like that. But basically family is him, his parents and siblings. It's a specific mindset, I understand what OP means.

OP, overtime this insular system is not accepting of strangers, so basically the sister will be made to see how her boy toy doesn't measure up to their fine core family and she will eventually agree. People might stay together with their spouses but still not have both feet in, even after houses, children, etc. Parents' and siblings' judgement will always be more important.

Yuck. But well said