Child is finally school aged. How did you make friends as an adult?

[Anonymous]

We have moved several times and I am admittedly a weird introvert. But my kid is finally school aged and I have time during the day. What did you do that yielded some friendships? I’ve already done:

Gardening volunteer work

Moms exercise class

Volunteering for PTA events

Volunteering for class parties

Chatted with people at kid’s sport practice


Part of the issue seems like at school and sport events, everyone already knows each other. Really, lots of the people here grew up in this town and they attended the schools their kids are in now!

And then when I go to outside events like exercise class or volunteering, people don’t seem interested in making friends or they are way out of my life stage. I pushed myself to socialize at the gardening events and some of the older people were straight up gruff with me (younger and a newcomer as well as a minority).

What else would you suggest for a weird, shy, new person like me?

[Anonymous]

Another I forgot:I was thinking some kind of crafting class to meet quirky people, so I took a knitting class and it was all seniors.

[Anonymous]

The key is not the specific activity, it is what you do at that activity.

1) Introduce yourself to the people around you.
2) Next time you see them, say hi, repeat your name, and ask a small talk question. "Hi Jane, I'm Larla, we were next to each other last class too. How are you faring with the snow?"
3) After you have had a few of these small talk conversations with someone, ask if they want to grab lunch/coffee after class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The key is not the specific activity, it is what you do at that activity.

1) Introduce yourself to the people around you.
2) Next time you see them, say hi, repeat your name, and ask a small talk question. "Hi Jane, I'm Larla, we were next to each other last class too. How are you faring with the snow?"
3) After you have had a few of these small talk conversations with someone, ask if they want to grab lunch/coffee after class.

I have done 2) at most of these. Sometimes people chat, sometimes people say hi and then turn to the people they know and ignore me for an hour.

I’ve never been able to go from 2) to 3)! Once a woman in a class asked me to get the kids together for a playdate, which we did, and then she ghosted me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The key is not the specific activity, it is what you do at that activity.

1) Introduce yourself to the people around you.
2) Next time you see them, say hi, repeat your name, and ask a small talk question. "Hi Jane, I'm Larla, we were next to each other last class too. How are you faring with the snow?"
3) After you have had a few of these small talk conversations with someone, ask if they want to grab lunch/coffee after class.

+1

After you have talked a few times, you could also ask someone if they want to walk / hike after school drop off or on a Saturday morning. This is big in my neighborhood. Or set up a playdate for the kids and invite the parent in for coffee.

It also takes time. I moved somewhere new and it took a year to start to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Get a job. Make friends at work.

[Anonymous]

Mom/parent groups where kids can socialize while parents spend time together. Recreational places like swimming pools or sports clubs where parents and kids can participate together. Church- join groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The key is not the specific activity, it is what you do at that activity.

1) Introduce yourself to the people around you.
2) Next time you see them, say hi, repeat your name, and ask a small talk question. "Hi Jane, I'm Larla, we were next to each other last class too. How are you faring with the snow?"
3) After you have had a few of these small talk conversations with someone, ask if they want to grab lunch/coffee after class.

I have done 2) at most of these. Sometimes people chat, sometimes people say hi and then turn to the people they know and ignore me for an hour.

I’ve never been able to go from 2) to 3)! Once a woman in a class asked me to get the kids together for a playdate, which we did, and then she ghosted me.

Do you look weird? Appearance is very important

Maybe? How would I know?

[Anonymous]

Don't just volunteer at PTA events--take on a bigger role on the board or a manage a big project. I have made a lot of friends through PTA but I was president and chair a big event each year.
Do you have a neighborhood listserve? Send out a message and start a book club or a walking club or whatever interests you.
The person who said get a job is right--a lot of current friends were made through past jobs.
Join a sports team--its not my thing either but sport teams are a lot more social outside of the activity vs crafts or exercise classes.
Volunteer at church--I know a lot of people who have made friends that way.

[Anonymous]

Agree with get a job.

Otherwise get into a sustained volunteer activity that is like a job. It takes time and exposure to people and will happen organically over time in those types of situations.

[Anonymous]

I am an Indian Hindu immigrant and have made friends through work, kids activities, kids school friends, PTA, neighborhood, hobby clubs, temple, gym, socializing, activism and volunteering.

Most of the time, I am introduced to other Indian-Americans at dinner parties or events through my friends. Indian community is very social group of people and you always have excuses to celebrate events. The thing is that you also have to show up and reciprocate.

The number of social events we have is mind-boggling. First of all, the extended family is large enough for people. We celebrate birthdays of all family members, anniversaries, big housewarming parties, many pre and post wedding events, weddings, engagement, graduation parties, lots of prayer ceremonies at home to celebrate life events, holy days etc where we serve lunch, American traditions and celebrations. We will find a way to celebrate and socialize. It is the way we were raised and in the US, it is a way for us to create a community for our children.

A lot of invitations come your way even if people do not know you very well. Many a times you are invited into an existing group as a guest.

When I interact with American friends, I do take the first steps to engage with them but usually reciprocity does not happen. I usually keep the entertaining with them on a neutral place where everyone pays for their own meal.

You have to figure out who is willing to socialize with you and arrange for small get togethers where everyone pays for their own participation. It could be at the gym, at the play ground etc. You have to spread a large net and do a lot of reaching out to find a few good friends. Most of the time people will not reciprocate even if you have spent money on them or have hosted them. So, I personally save my hosting for groups that do reciprocate in some way. Otherwise you feel like a chump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have moved several times and I am admittedly a weird introvert. But my kid is finally school aged and I have time during the day. What did you do that yielded some friendships? I’ve already done:

Gardening volunteer work

Moms exercise class

Volunteering for PTA events

Volunteering for class parties

Chatted with people at kid’s sport practice


Part of the issue seems like at school and sport events, everyone already knows each other. Really, lots of the people here grew up in this town and they attended the schools their kids are in now!

And then when I go to outside events like exercise class or volunteering, people don’t seem interested in making friends or they are way out of my life stage. I pushed myself to socialize at the gardening events and some of the older people were straight up gruff with me (younger and a newcomer as well as a minority).

What else would you suggest for a weird, shy, new person like me?

Same OP, same.

[Anonymous]

The key is to stick with an activity. A few examples:
In my late 20s I took group guitar classes. I heard it was super social. After 8 weeks I didn’t feel like I had made any connections. After the 2nd 8 week session, someone asked “should we all sign up together again?” And after the 3rd session, we were going out together after class, inviting each other to do things socially separate from class.

I joined a loosely organized running group. It was casual, there is a core group but the people fluctuate week to week. It took 6 months before people started asking me to run with them other times or just text to say hi, saw this, thought of you.

It was the end of the 2nd full (non-pandemic) school year before I felt like I knew people at PTA meetings and they wanted to talk to me.

It was the 2nd season our kids played on the rec soccer team that I felt like another mom was an actual friend, not an acquaintance.

In general, you are doing the right things but you need to persist. Assess “are these my people? Are these people who share my interests and values that I want spend time with?” If yes, then show up and KEEP showing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The key is to stick with an activity. A few examples:
In my late 20s I took group guitar classes. I heard it was super social. After 8 weeks I didn’t feel like I had made any connections. After the 2nd 8 week session, someone asked “should we all sign up together again?” And after the 3rd session, we were going out together after class, inviting each other to do things socially separate from class.

I joined a loosely organized running group. It was casual, there is a core group but the people fluctuate week to week. It took 6 months before people started asking me to run with them other times or just text to say hi, saw this, thought of you.

It was the end of the 2nd full (non-pandemic) school year before I felt like I knew people at PTA meetings and they wanted to talk to me.

It was the 2nd season our kids played on the rec soccer team that I felt like another mom was an actual friend, not an acquaintance.

In general, you are doing the right things but you need to persist. Assess “are these my people? Are these people who share my interests and values that I want spend time with?” If yes, then show up and KEEP showing up.

I completly agree agree with sticking with things. It can take a while, especially with us introverts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The key is to stick with an activity. A few examples:
In my late 20s I took group guitar classes. I heard it was super social. After 8 weeks I didn’t feel like I had made any connections. After the 2nd 8 week session, someone asked “should we all sign up together again?” And after the 3rd session, we were going out together after class, inviting each other to do things socially separate from class.

I joined a loosely organized running group. It was casual, there is a core group but the people fluctuate week to week. It took 6 months before people started asking me to run with them other times or just text to say hi, saw this, thought of you.

It was the end of the 2nd full (non-pandemic) school year before I felt like I knew people at PTA meetings and they wanted to talk to me.

It was the 2nd season our kids played on the rec soccer team that I felt like another mom was an actual friend, not an acquaintance.

In general, you are doing the right things but you need to persist. Assess “are these my people? Are these people who share my interests and values that I want spend time with?” If yes, then show up and KEEP showing up.

Agree with this poster! Moms are busy people and have few social activities in general, so it takes a long time to break into someone's social group outside of these activities.