Ex wife still has feelings for my hubby

[Anonymous]

Background: My husband and I have been married for 10 years (together for 12), and have 2 kids. We met when they were going through a divorce (about a month before it was finalized. They married young, had a kid right away but she reportedly was still in love with her ex so she left my husband to get back with her ex. When we first met interactions between my husband and her was brief in driveway to hand over their child. From time to time I helped in dropping and picking up my step daughter. During these interactions she seemed friendly towards me. It almost seemed as if she was happy that my husband (then boyfriend) was moving on, as she was happily back together her boyfriend. Since my husband and I have been together he has completely changed his life. He went from working as a casher to finishing completing grad school and having a steady career. His ex on the other hand is a stay at home mom to 2 other kids and is married to her third husband.

Over the last year, I have noticed my husband's ex trying to be more friendly toward my hubby which in itself is not a bad thing, but lately she also seems a bit cold towards me. For example drop off of their child no longer happens in the driveway and is no longer minimal pleasantry exchanges, there are conversations that last 30 - 45 minutes. I am left feeling awkward during these conversations because whenever I say something she quickly change the subject, does not look at me and directly talks to my husband like I am not there. Mind you these are not childcare related topics. I have told my husband that I will stay away when they do drop of/pick up but lately the drop-off/pick up have been at our house. I try to stay upstairs while they talk downstairs, but the ex is very annoyingly loud. I find it to be so annoying that I can't even avoid her in my own house. She had also asked my husband to do some outings with my step daughter so that my step daughter can have outings with both parents there. My husband turned that down quickly. Also the Facebook likes for anything my husband post is in overdrive. If this wasn't enough, she recently told my husband that wasn't over him. She told him she was going to ask him to get back together with her, the day we got engaged but decided not to when she saw the engagement post. In the same conversation that she told my husband she was not over him, she also told him that she was separated from her third husband. I struggle thinking about what her motive for telling him was after so many year. She claimed to have wanted to respect the fact that he was engaged but now he is married with kids and its several years later. I am not a jealous kind of person but it bothers me to hear this. I told my husband that I really don't want her in our house. He thinks I am over reacting a bit. He wants to give her the benefit of a doubt because she says she wants to live her true authentic life. He tells me he hated her for the longest time but now wants to be a peace for the sake of their child.

[Anonymous]

Let him have peace to with her for the sake of your step daughter. She's nuts, but is your husband really going to take her back and leave you? That would be insane.

I'd encourage your husband not to lead her on. He needs to be clear that he's not interested in her, only effective co-parenting. Any mixed signals will cause drama that will hurt your step daughter. Then stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

I would not hide upstairs when she’s picking up her child. It’s your house too, remember.

[Anonymous]

You’re in a tough situation. But do not hide when she comes to your house. Everything should be conducted with you and DH together. It is not an ideal situation but they made a vow to each other and had children before you were in the picture. This cannot be erased.

[Anonymous]

So you don’t trust your H.

[Anonymous]

Emotions, family and romantic history are hard. This is not. You have more access.

Give him release everyday like clockwork. Use your face. With that, if you keep your emotions in check, won’t have any problems you can’t fix. It works. -Female.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to make it clear the he is happily married, not interested in her romantically at all, and shut that conversation down. I think it’s better for them to be having the conversations in your house than elsewhere. And if you can possibly stomach it, better for you to be present, too. You can help reinforce his message. The ex is feeling sad and nostalgic given the collapse of her current marriage, and will eventually move on once she meets future husband #4. This too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

If this arrangement is new and you feel this way now, you should also be aware you will be competing for time with the step daughter too.

Mine ganged up on me.

[Anonymous]

To clarify, when they become teens, they can play all sorts of games, probably learned from from the manipulative mother). The apple definitely does not fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Her feelings are irrelevant. You are not with her. How does your husband feel? I dont understand how you are this insecure when the lady is in your house and you can hear the entire conversation. No one is hiding anything. What she wants and what she will get will not be the same.

[Anonymous]

She wants to “live her true authentic life?”

WTH does that mean? I would call out him- and her- on that statement alone.

Mature, decent people do not put their own selfish needs to “be authentic,” (aka do whatever the hell they want to do with no consequences) ahead of the best interests of people in their life, namely their spouses and children. She is proving that she is neither mature nor decent. She is also most likely a bit crazy.

Your DH needs to take a firm stand on this. The innocent victim is their child. I hope you OP will do everything possible to be a positive influence in this child’s life.

With a mother like that, she’s going to need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her feelings are irrelevant. You are not with her. How does your husband feel? I dont understand how you are this insecure when the lady is in your house and you can hear the entire conversation. No one is hiding anything. What she wants and what she will get will not be the same.

It's not that I am insecure. I just an awkward feeling being around someone you know has feelings for your spouse and they have made it a point to let him know, even if he is not interested and has completely moved on. Honestly I would rather she stayed in the car like she used to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotions, family and romantic history are hard. This is not. You have more access.

Give him release everyday like clockwork. Use your face. With that, if you keep your emotions in check, won’t have any problems you can’t fix. It works. -Female.

wtf?

[Anonymous]

Stay next to your H at drop off to mark your territory. Women like her really only understand the animal like language.

[Anonymous]

Always be there. Why would you hide?

Resume handling pick up/drop off without him. That is a message.