How do you cope with having to physically stop or force your large child to do things?
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Anonymous
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DS is 5, but weighs 70 lbs and is very tall. He looks like an 8 year old. He is faster than me. He has zero impulse control.
We have locks on doors so he can’t get out of the house, but one of his obsessions is trying to leave. This morning he managed to get outside, I ran out to follow him. He was completely naked (we live in a warm climate so it’s not cold but also not ok to be naked). I caught up with him and was trying to get him back inside and he threw himself on the ground and wouldn’t get up. I finally got him up but then had to carry him home (nearly a block) while he was hitting/kicking/spitting on me. I find myself feeling VERY angry in these situations. Like it is very hard for me when I have to assert myself physically. It just feels like such a horrible escalation but it also makes me feel full of rage too. It is also very hard on my body and I’m frequently severely injured. Once inside, DS swiped the kitchen counter and shattered multiple plates and glasses and then I had to once again , physically pick him up and carry him to his room. Similar things happen multiple times a week. We are doing ABA, PCIT, OT, and speech but I still don’t understand what I’m supposed to do when my child is physically harming himself and others and putting himself into unsafe situations. Soon he will be too big for me to carry. Would appreciate any resources you may have. |
Anonymous
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I'm very sorry that you have to deal with this - alone? - it is frustrating and heart-breaking. Is ASD the diagnosis (since you mention ABA)? What are the other diagnoses? Whatever it is, I would not expect severe impulsivity to be manageable without medication. Have you tried any meds?
What is PCIT telling you about motivations, environment or triggers for the desire to leave? I empathize as a parent about the feelings of anger. I had to get some anger management therapy and really think about why I was angry (beyond the incident itself). Sometimes it helps me to conceptualize the behavior as being driven by illness and not a choice my kiddo is making. I also used to feel a huge sense of shame when my kids were melting down. But, an incredibly kind neighbor wrote my kids a nice note when we moved out saying what good kids they were and what a good mom I was. Honestly, thinking about those notes makes me cry all over again. It made me realize not everyone was judging me as harshly as I thought (or as I was). Finally, all the supports you mention are for your kid or you as the parent of your kid. Have you thought about individual therapy for yourself? There's nothing wrong with being frustrated or angry, but anyone in your position would have a lot of complicated feelings, and a sounding board for yourself would probably help a lot. |
Anonymous
| Ask the pediatrician for some tips for both of you. |
Anonymous
| I’m not a medication person but at this point for safety you may want to consider it. |
Anonymous
| The ABA team should definitely be helping you manage these behaviors. If they are not, you need to find another agency. |
Anonymous
+1. You need a developmental pediatrician or a child psychiatrist. |
Anonymous
Most pediatricians do not know how to manage this population. |
Anonymous
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I picked up DS to put him in the right place for Y or to get him to stop doing X until he was 7 or 8. He is small, only got onto the growth chart at 3 and was still very light and pick-up-able at those ages but I could see that it wasn't a great way to parent.
We got full neuropsychological testing done at 8, changed things at home, started meds, and stopped picking him up. He is 10 now and a totally different child. With more maturity, changes at home and at school, and stimulant meds during the school week, he does his homework before we ask about it, things are mostly calm. His room and parts of the rest of the house are still a disaster but I'll admit that's not high on my list. |
Anonymous
| If the kid has a physical therapist ask them to train you on techniques to improve your strength and safely lifting them. Try to become physically stronger while these behaviors are present. |
Anonymous
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For me, this is the hardest part of parenting my SN child. I'm small (5'1) and my child is also large for their age and hit 70 lbs around age 6, similar behavior profile as yours. Meanwhile, my DH is really big (6'3) with a deep voice, and even the calmest physical maneuvering would further escalate our kid. There's really no way around it though, when safety is a concern.
What helps me is voicing out loud "I'm keeping you safe. I'm not hurting you. I'm being as gentle as I can. I'm here to help you calm down." Sometimes I'm saying it more to myself, but it helps. At 8, DC is medicated (SSRI after a couple years of abilify) and rarely do we have to use any kind of physical intervention beyond a hand hold. It has gotten better for us and I hope the same for you. |
Anonymous
Op here. Thank you. This is what I was asking. I appreciate it. I will try what you describe. It’s nice hearing that you found this hard too and I’m not alone. I think it makes me feel very scared, helpless, and ashamed when these things happen. It is encouraging to hear it got better by 8. |
Anonymous
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Op here.
He is medicated (adderall and clonidine) I am also medicated and get twice weekly individual therapy. We’ve had a full neuropsych and genetic testing. We have a diagnosis. It’s not ASD. I don’t want to get into it here. I’m only looking for advice about the very specific question I have. We have a developmental pediatrician and a child psychiatrist. We don’t get PT but I could look into it for myself to get stronger, thank you for the suggestion. Our ABA is only one hour a week because we private pay because our insurance won’t cover it without an ASD diagnosis, we don’t have a full team or in home program so they don’t really have insight about how to manage these situations other than to not allow them to occur (ie-don’t let him outside). |
Anonymous
Omg. A ped will give you “resources” such as a useless pamphlet. |
Anonymous
Op here. Yep. And we’ve already got an army of docs and therapists (developmental ped, child psychiatrist, neurologist, geneticist, child psychologist, ABA therapist, speech therapist, behavioral therapist). No one seems able to give me any meaningful tips. The only good advice I’ve ever gotten was actually from this site and someone told me about a hold you can do where you hold both your kids hands above their head and it makes it harder for them to throw themselves on the ground that way. |
Anonymous
To be fair, this is not in the realm of "general pediatrics." It's a specialist kind of problem. |