Am I expecting too much at 4 months?

[Anonymous]

Hello,

I’ve been dating this man for 4 months. It is going fairly well. We spend time together regularly. He was pretty quick to want to move into an exclusive relationship, then quick also to call me his gf, but never without much discussion about how he feels about me.
We have discussed what we’re looking for and we seem on the same page. I think I have been more clear with sharing that I want a long term, committed relationship. His response is that he wants an « amazing relationship ».
The thing that gives me pause is that I recently opened up with my feelings and the reception was rather lukewarm. I didn’t say I love him but expressed how good being together is and that I’m getting attached, some things along those lines. His behavior up to that point was just so inviting and led me to develop those feelings.
In return he said that he loves spending his time with me, is attracted to me, respects me, but he hasn’t developed strong feelings and is worried they might be slower to develop or that they might not. I took his comments calmly as he was being honest and told him that given the context, I would adopt a more casual approach. This is not an attempt to play games on my part. I just don’t want to be hurt.

Since then, he seems to be more into me, expressing more excitement, etc.

I am being cautious and don’t want to make rash decisions as I really like him. However, I now wonder if we’re going to get into a push-pull pattern, or if he’s avoidant, will end up having commitment issues, or if this is all just completely normal four months in.

I would appreciate anyone who could share feedback on similar experiences.
Thank you

[Anonymous]

Let him show his enthusiasm. You already got yourself hitched into an exclusive relationship so let the chips fall where they may. As long as it’s exclusive on his end too I don’t see any dangers

[Anonymous]

Are you divorced and/or is he? My experience as a divorcee is that dating is different now and people are more cautious. It’s a self defense mechanism. No matter who wanted the divorce and no matter how bad the divorce was needed it was still painful for the parties so people keep their hearts a little more protected.

If neither of you are divorced I’m not sure what his deal is. No harm to see where things lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you divorced and/or is he? My experience as a divorcee is that dating is different now and people are more cautious. It’s a self defense mechanism. No matter who wanted the divorce and no matter how bad the divorce was needed it was still painful for the parties so people keep their hearts a little more protected.

If neither of you are divorced I’m not sure what his deal is. No harm to see where things lead.

People are more cautious and also more willing to just walk away if they can sense long-term issues coming down the road. (I've seen this in myself and in others I've dated). When a marriage with children and a house and so much else ends and you're still getting by, a dating relationship ending just isn't as big a deal.

[Anonymous]

An amazing relationship sounds childish

[Anonymous]

People fall in love by doing things for the other, so you could let him prove his developing feelings through actions.

Honestly I would probably break it off and also thank him profusely for being honest. At four months, you should be at the height of puppy love even if you might not be willing to say the words yet. Saying he’s not developing feelings at this stage is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People fall in love by doing things for the other, so you could let him prove his developing feelings through actions.

Honestly I would probably break it off and also thank him profusely for being honest. At four months, you should be at the height of puppy love even if you might not be willing to say the words yet. Saying he’s not developing feelings at this stage is a red flag.

Agreed. How could you not have feelings?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a player

[Anonymous]

Most men are not exactly apt at expressing their emotions and feelings regardless of age. You can follow up when he says things like “amazing relationships” to extract more details. I have been guilty of this as a man. While I can express my emotions and feelings, I am not the type to get into details. In romance books and movies you always have the charming male character saying and doing all the right things. In the real world though most men are rather lame in this area. Just my 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An amazing relationship sounds childish

But a childish relationship sounds amazing aka A fine kettle of fish.

[Anonymous]

As long as you are open to moving off if needed, see where it leads.

[Anonymous]

He’s just not that into you. But he enjoys spending time with you and your sex although he doesn’t love you and is not going to.

IME a man falls faster than a woman. If he doesn’t know at 4 months it’s not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. It takes me at least 6 months to fall in love with someone. It’s awkward when the other person gets there first.

OP, I think you’re smart to be cautious. You might tell him you want to see other people since he’s not sure on his end. Maybe he’ll step up but if he doesn’t you can find someone willing to be all in.

[Anonymous]

While I would have appreciated his honesty regarding his feelings…..by the same token I also would have been hurt by his admitting that he doesn’t have strong feelings for me now & is not sure if he ever will.

I personally think after four mos of exclusive dating plus the fact that you two see each other on a consistent basis - that his feelings would be a lot stronger at this point.

I think you should address this topic more in depth w/him to see if this is a person that you still want to be exclusive with.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I’m 46 and divorced with 2 kids. I am dating a 35 years old beautiful lady and she is so into me and I honestly kind of feel bad. I like her as well but when you are divorced you don’t see relationships the same anymore. I will eventually love her but it will never be like she is feeling about me. After having gone through divorce I don’t ever see myself being crazy over someone again.