Friends in midlife

[Anonymous]

Always had good friends as a teen, college, work, as a young mom...and it all sort of faded with teen kids. Now I am a midlife near empty nester with NO friends aside from the occasional Facebook message with old friends who live far away. Do you think it's extremely weird? Sometimes I feel like such a strange person for it.

[Anonymous]

Time to put energy into reconnecting with old friends, traveling to get together with people, developing hobbies to make new friend. You out things on the back burner while your kids were younger. Now it’s time to put energy back into relationships for you.

[Anonymous]

I have dropped a number of friends in the past 2 years because they wouldn’t stay in touch even when I make most of the effort. I like having a lot of friends, but it doesn’t seem important to everyone. Maybe it wasn’t important to you.

[Anonymous]

My parents were pretty solitary when I was growing up. When the kids were off and then they retired, they made a bunch of new friends. Now they have way more friends than me!

[Anonymous]

It takes so much energy to raise kids given how it is here in the States that I think what you’re experiencing is not uncommon. You now need to take care of you and start reconnecting to society.

[Anonymous]

Ive been losing friends since becoming a mom. It probably very common. Solidarity. You can make friends on social clubs

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's weird. Does it bother you or are you content?

[Anonymous]

My husband has no friends. I have 10-12 good friends. But I take the time to cultivate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's weird. Does it bother you or are you content?

I miss having really good friends to do very casual stuff with, like watch a show, go out shopping, laughing, just being content with each other with zero pressure. I don't miss more formal, more acquaintance type friendships that require effort because I am such an introvert and to me it is anxiety-inducing and hard. I think that is partly why I have no friends now: that in-between, not friends yet and getting to know someone part feels very difficult for me, and I haven't met anyone in the past few years I really click with more deeply or with ease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's weird. Does it bother you or are you content?

I miss having really good friends to do very casual stuff with, like watch a show, go out shopping, laughing, just being content with each other with zero pressure. I don't miss more formal, more acquaintance type friendships that require effort because I am such an introvert and to me it is anxiety-inducing and hard. I think that is partly why I have no friends now: that in-between, not friends yet and getting to know someone part feels very difficult for me, and I haven't met anyone in the past few years I really click with more deeply or with ease.

OP I feel the exact same way. It's not that I don't want to put effort into friendships, but starting in my late 30s, it felt like most of my friendships were in this perpetual 3rd date state, where we only ever got together at a direct invitation to go do something. So like if I had tickets to a concert or wanted to go see a museum exhibition, I could definitely find someone to go with me. But I didn't have friends who were more casually in my life who I might just grab a coffee with on a Saturday for no reason other than us both being free.

And part of the problem is that I don't really mind doing stuff on my own. Like I don't really need someone to join me at a museum exhibition, and depending on the person I might actually rather go alone. I got tired of having to invite people out in this formal way and kind of entertain them (or be entertained by whatever they invited me to). So when Covid happened, I just stopped and never started back up, and now I'm in this situation where I technically have friends, but we're not very close and rarely see each other.

I just want a way to get past that formal phase. I am not sure how that works at this age. Everyone has work and kids, many have spouses who are the basis of their social lives. For some reason this combines to make casual, easy friendship harder.

I think a lot of us are in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat. I am putting effort into reconnecting with older friends/acquaintances and making plans, just because I know it is better for my mental health if I do so, and nothing will change if I don't do anything. I wish there were a manual on how to do it. I felt like when I was younger with kids it was just much easier to connect.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat and I'm single with no kids. I actually live in the same house - split level - with my very first and best childhood friend and her husband and kid. We chit chat in the laundry room and text back and forth but it's been years since we went out to lunch or a movie together, and she and her husband don't spend time with any other friends either.

My parents didn't really have friends so the model I grew up witnessing was fairly solitary. They weren't friends with each other either and the marriage was toxic which is why I eschewed the institution myself.

I have lots of wonderful friends out in the world who I keep in touch with via Facebook. I've lived all over the country in the pursuit of education and career, so my friends are far flung but nevertheless dear to me. I have no question that if I needed to reach out for a deeper conversation, I could - I have and have been warmly received.

I know the experts keep saying isolation is killing people and maybe it does kill extroverts who are friendless. But honestly I think introverts are mostly happy with limited in person contact and a world where we can reach out by text and social media post and express our continued love for friends without necessarily getting together often is a world we feel contented in.

[Anonymous]

I agree American work and parenting is not conducive to maintaining friendships. I put some work into it, but with the kids about to leave home, I wish I had put more effort into it.

[Anonymous]

I did a lot of traveling to connect with old friends. This was my focus when I first retired. In some instances they aren't retired yet, so like other stages of life, we aren't exactly in sync. The hard realization was, I think the emotions I had for these friends were frozen-in-time. Sweet history together but I/we no longer seem to have personalities that gel together very well.

[Anonymous]

with the kids about to leave home ...

Now is a good time to take stock, of the friends you've had. Of people you might like to know better. Maybe they weren't in your kid's orbit. Do you have a school directory? Keep it. Hold onto it. There may be opportunities to connect even though the kids have moved on.