Friends in midlife

[Anonymous]

I think introverts are mostly happy with limited in person contact and a world where we can reach out by text and social media post and express our continued love for friends without necessarily getting together often is a world we feel contented in

I am the 8:52 poster and found this interesting. I think my old friends are much more introverted than I had realized. I should work on this -- but this personality difference is a huge problem in our friendship. I actually resent them. Now we have the time. We could be together. But being together, for them, doesn't seem important.

[Anonymous]

oops sorry I goofed posting

[Anonymous]

All these posts are interesting. It’s exhausting to be a parent here but I see that it’s not good to disappear from society for 20 years. The kids might not get all the extracurriculars or academic help they need, or home cooked food or clean house, but it’s not only about them. It’s hard doing all this with no other help. The right balance, which of course differs per person, is something to think about.

[Anonymous]

I put it on my weekly to do lists, as if it were getting an oil change:
Call X
Make dinner plans with Y
Etc.

To me, it’s super important and worth it, but I can see how it isn’t for a lot of people. What I love about middle age friendships is that everyone got more real. We’ve all started having real ups and downs. People love to dump on middle aged women but they are my absolute favorite people now.

[Anonymous]

pp, I love this post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

with the kids about to leave home ...

Now is a good time to take stock, of the friends you've had. Of people you might like to know better. Maybe they weren't in your kid's orbit. Do you have a school directory? Keep it. Hold onto it. There may be opportunities to connect even though the kids have moved on.

+1 I definitely lost touch with friends and didn't prioritize that time when my kids were in middle and early HS. Fortunately, a friend reached out to a few of us early in covid and started a Saturday morning outdoors coffee time. We'd originally become friends when our kids were all in early ES sports teams together. We're now going on almost 4 years of that regular Saturday time. Attendance ebbs and flows but that weekly touchpoint has become really important and leads to doing other things together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were pretty solitary when I was growing up. When the kids were off and then they retired, they made a bunch of new friends. Now they have way more friends than me!

How did they do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's weird. Does it bother you or are you content?

I miss having really good friends to do very casual stuff with, like watch a show, go out shopping, laughing, just being content with each other with zero pressure. I don't miss more formal, more acquaintance type friendships that require effort because I am such an introvert and to me it is anxiety-inducing and hard. I think that is partly why I have no friends now: that in-between, not friends yet and getting to know someone part feels very difficult for me, and I haven't met anyone in the past few years I really click with more deeply or with ease.

Introvert here. This really resonates for me.

[Anonymous]

Fortunately, a friend reached out

I made a new friend too during covid! I did some searching for a way to contact her. Prior to covid we had talked briefly at a community event. That was all. So glad we reconnected months later. This reaching-out worked and resulted in making a friend ~ certainly some other attempts of mine have fizzled.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the idea that introverts don’t need friends and are happier doing things alone. People post this often, but the lack of interest in friendships has nothing to do with introversion - it’s probably something else that makes you prefer solitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the idea that introverts don’t need friends and are happier doing things alone. People post this often, but the lack of interest in friendships has nothing to do with introversion - it’s probably something else that makes you prefer solitude.

I really like being alone, need a lot of alone time, but if I am being honest, for me as an adult what holds me back from friendships is I find them stressful as a whole: someone being thoughtless and flaking, asking things outside my comfort zone and boundaries, different spending habits when going out and making plans...It feels like adding concerns and worries to my plate, and it's often more like 20% life-enhancing fun and company and 80% bad. When I was a teen and in college it was just all good fun. So I really do not seek out friends at this point because I have a full life of worry between work and teen kids and I can't add more on.

[Anonymous]

pp, that's ok. Most people need friends who don't have the constraints you do. It's just we don't always figure it out soon enough. We waste time on people who aren't available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat and I'm single with no kids. I actually live in the same house - split level - with my very first and best childhood friend and her husband and kid. We chit chat in the laundry room and text back and forth but it's been years since we went out to lunch or a movie together, and she and her husband don't spend time with any other friends either.

My parents didn't really have friends so the model I grew up witnessing was fairly solitary. They weren't friends with each other either and the marriage was toxic which is why I eschewed the institution myself.

I have lots of wonderful friends out in the world who I keep in touch with via Facebook. I've lived all over the country in the pursuit of education and career, so my friends are far flung but nevertheless dear to me. I have no question that if I needed to reach out for a deeper conversation, I could - I have and have been warmly received.

I know the experts keep saying isolation is killing people and maybe it does kill extroverts who are friendless. But honestly I think introverts are mostly happy with limited in person contact and a world where we can reach out by text and social media post and express our continued love for friends without necessarily getting together often is a world we feel contented in.

Introvert who people for some reason assume is an extrovert here. I so agree. I have always had best friends throughout life who I saw often. Now my husband is my best friend so I guess I still have that. One of my kids as special needs and between that and over a decade of sandwich generation stress I have nothing to give. So I do keep friends at arm's lengths because I can no longer do the thing expected with close friendships like favors and I am too burned out to be the person you call at 3:00am in an emergency. I just want to share some laughs and go for a jog/walk/pickleball/coffee. So I adore my friends, but I don't get together that often. Always happy to return a text when I have the time or send support by text. I just have no bandwidth for the deep emotional stuff.

[Anonymous]

My parents had a ton of friends when we were growing up. They had plenty of time to cultivate those friendships because we were left to fend for ourselves. The friendships were pretty superficial though and as their lives became less glamorous with illness and mom started showing her dark side to people other than me, those friendships almost all faded or became very distant.