Was my mother gaslighting me? Was this some strange byproduct of a personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

I’ve long thought my mother suffers from some sort of personality disorder. She had an abusive upbringing, suffered from eating disorders (probably still does), has anxiety and depression, and is just generally difficult and controlling. I say this for reference, and for what it’s worth.

I was reading a book and was suddenly HIT by two memories from my teenage and young adult life that I had forgotten about. Now I can’t stop wondering what they meant.

When I was a late teen, I got my first boyfriend, and after he would visit and then leave, my mother would immediately Lysol and scrub the couch cushions where he had sat. She would make a huge event of it and complain that he “smelled gross like testosterone”, though I never thought he smelled (I thought he smelled good, to be honest) and none of my friends thought he smelled like anything either. I could never figure out what she was smelling.

Right after I first moved out on my own, whenever my mother would visit she complain that my jeans smelled, that she could smell them from across the room. I never smelled anything, and one time she started in about the smell while my aunt was also there, and my aunt said I smelled nice, like fabric softener. My roommate also couldn’t smell anything offensive. I felt insecure about my smell and laundry skills for a long time.

She’s never complained about anything like this ever again. But what could those two instances have meant? It’s still bizarre to think about to this day!

[Anonymous]

I think she was obsessing over something, and it is likely related to sexual trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she was obsessing over something, and it is likely related to sexual trauma.

This is interesting. She’s never admitted to being SA’d, but I’ve always in the back of my mind wondered; She’s always toed the line of what is appropriate when it comes to the topic of sex.

[Anonymous]

I have an extremely keen sense of smell and sometimes certain odors drive me a little nuts. Not necessarily anything that most people would notice. I’m just hypersensitive to odors.

[Anonymous]

Does your mother have OCD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an extremely keen sense of smell and sometimes certain odors drive me a little nuts. Not necessarily anything that most people would notice. I’m just hypersensitive to odors.

Np. I’m like this too. I’ve had to move desks to get away from colleagues who use a certain scent. I can’t be anywhere near them without feeling a bit crazy. I could see the testosterone comment being a quip about some strong smelling cologne or deodorant. Same with the jeans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your mother have OCD?

OP here. I don’t think in the typical sense, no. But she definitely likes to control (or attempt to control) people and is rigid.

[Anonymous]

Many mom personality problems skip a generation —thank goodness. However some spouses disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she was obsessing over something, and it is likely related to sexual trauma.

+1. But you really need to try to get to a point where you don’t expend your energy trying to sort through your mom’s issues. She was messed up from trauma. She likely could have been better served with significant mental health intervention, but that isn’t what happened.

[Anonymous]

I think focusing on two incidents from years ago is way stranger than the actual incidents themselves.

[Anonymous]

I think she had a lot of anxiety about you reaching sexually active years and it came out in strange ways. I would chalk it up to "yet another thing you survived" and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think focusing on two incidents from years ago is way stranger than the actual incidents themselves.

So you have no idea how trauma works. Ok.

[Anonymous]

I hate the smell of dirty jeans.

[Anonymous]

I once read that certain genes can make other specific people’s sweat smell offensive or yummy. Since you only inherit 50% of your genes from a parent and only share 50% of your genes with a sibling, it is possible that your mom smelled something unpleasant you and your aunt didn’t.

I have a student whose hair/scalp reeks to me, but the counselor says she doesn’t smell it. He’s a nice kid, but sometimes his odor keeps me away from his desk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think focusing on two incidents from years ago is way stranger than the actual incidents themselves.

So you have no idea how trauma works. Ok.

Are we calling this incident trauma? Give me a break.