advice for talking to parents about downsizing

[Anonymous]

Without getting into the nitty gritty details, please give us some tips…or what worked, what went poorly, and how it went. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

It really depends on your parent's personality. The easy going ones with empathy who were involved enough with their own elders to face reality will do it with gentle nudges. The selfish, entitled ones will not understand why you can't keep uprooting your life for them and many of them stay put no matter what. You try to convince them enough times that you will know you did your best. Then, you just have to make peace with the fact they could be on the floor with a broken hip for a full day or die falling down steep steps, but it happened on their terms the way they wanted to live.

[Anonymous]

Op, you mean downsizing their stuff? Tell them you will take everything. Now. Everything they have ever hoped to give you. Load it up in a U-Haul. Then, do whatever with it, even disposing of all of it.

If you mean moving. Move them first. Furnish the new place with a few favorite pieces of furniture and what's necessary. They will soon forget what else they have, and won't miss much of what they don't have.

[Anonymous]

If you think they are going to do all of this without actual help (logistical, physical help) from you, it's not happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on your parent's personality. The easy going ones with empathy who were involved enough with their own elders to face reality will do it with gentle nudges. The selfish, entitled ones will not understand why you can't keep uprooting your life for them and many of them stay put no matter what. You try to convince them enough times that you will know you did your best. Then, you just have to make peace with the fact they could be on the floor with a broken hip for a full day or die falling down steep steps, but it happened on their terms the way they wanted to live.

This is very good advice, OP! Do what you can and then be at peace.

[Anonymous]

This is not nearly enough information, OP. But generally, I treated my parents like they adults they were. How they live their lives is up to them. Why do you need to give them unsolicited advice. There are a million threads here arguing the different sides about how to treat elderly parents. Most people land on the side of treating them like children. Please read Atul Gawande's Being Mortal and see if that helps you reframe your thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not nearly enough information, OP. But generally, I treated my parents like they adults they were. How they live their lives is up to them. Why do you need to give them unsolicited advice. There are a million threads here arguing the different sides about how to treat elderly parents. Most people land on the side of treating them like children. Please read Atul Gawande's Being Mortal and see if that helps you reframe your thinking.

+1 I can’t imagine being so presumptuous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not nearly enough information, OP. But generally, I treated my parents like they adults they were. How they live their lives is up to them. Why do you need to give them unsolicited advice. There are a million threads here arguing the different sides about how to treat elderly parents. Most people land on the side of treating them like children. Please read Atul Gawande's Being Mortal and see if that helps you reframe your thinking.

+1 I can’t imagine being so presumptuous

In my case, my parents actually have made it clear that they expect all of their stuff to be my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not nearly enough information, OP. But generally, I treated my parents like they adults they were. How they live their lives is up to them. Why do you need to give them unsolicited advice. There are a million threads here arguing the different sides about how to treat elderly parents. Most people land on the side of treating them like children. Please read Atul Gawande's Being Mortal and see if that helps you reframe your thinking.

+1 I can’t imagine being so presumptuous

In my case, my parents actually have made it clear that they expect all of their stuff to be my problem.

Tell them it's all going to the landfill then.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if it's worth all of the mental energy and handwringing to try and "get ahead" of an inevitable problem. Maybe we should accept that we have little influence over our elderly parents and resolve to deal with the problem once they are gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if it's worth all of the mental energy and handwringing to try and "get ahead" of an inevitable problem. Maybe we should accept that we have little influence over our elderly parents and resolve to deal with the problem once they are gone.

One wrinkle is if you have to do the downsizing while they are alive if they are going into a care place. Also they may have more control to make sure kids receive what the parent wants to give them without fighting over the estate.

[Anonymous]

We just pointed out that we'd (the kids) were adults and had moved out, they had no need for a big house with five floors that was a block and a half from an elementary school, and they should move somewhere smaller, all on one floor, and let a younger family have their house. They moved about 20 minutes away to a house all on one floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just pointed out that we'd (the kids) were adults and had moved out, they had no need for a big house with five floors that was a block and a half from an elementary school, and they should move somewhere smaller, all on one floor, and let a younger family have their house. They moved about 20 minutes away to a house all on one floor.

We tried this with my mom and she said she didn’t care about younger families wanting her home. We have given up trying to get her to downsize. Like a pp, we are just letting her live on her own terms. She has SO MUCH stuff that we will have to get rid of but I would rather she is just happy with where she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not nearly enough information, OP. But generally, I treated my parents like they adults they were. How they live their lives is up to them. Why do you need to give them unsolicited advice. There are a million threads here arguing the different sides about how to treat elderly parents. Most people land on the side of treating them like children. Please read Atul Gawande's Being Mortal and see if that helps you reframe your thinking.

My mother was no longer mentally an adult. She was in an adult body, acting far worse than toddlers with poor reasoning skills. You could not talk to her like an adult, yet she wanted to be treated like a matriarch. I think your response assumes they stay fully mentally capable. There is the reality of safely maintaining a home, frequent scammers calling and/or arriving at your door, having things like the social security number where anyone can see and so much more. It also assumes there will always be healthy adults able to jump in as needed. With parents living longer too often there own kids have health issues and other things requiring their time and cannot be there for the emergency and more often than in the past an adult child can even pass away.

We though the age-in-place moneymaker where you hire an agency to manage thing really was a disaster (and that could be a whole other thread), but I could see it working if the person stays in great shape and then died quickly.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, all.

I specifically left this vague. Info is probably the same as most...parents in their 70s, good health, but live in a Ryan home development with no first floor master. My mom is also a borderline hoarder and now she's becoming a prepper. God help me.

My dad is ready to downsize for SURE...longs for the simple life and one story living.
My mom will need psych help to move, since she said "I like looking at all of my stuff".

They can move anywhere in their PA town; we're not even pressuring them to move to us.

I am lucky to have a helpful sister on the same page as me. We do worry about the amount of TIME AND MONEY needed to clean out of the house.

I love the advice above...it's really helpful.