Can you help me understand my child’s emotional outbursts?

[Anonymous]

We have an evaluation scheduled, but not for a while. My eight year old is analyzing everything in our lives for fairness over the past few days and using it as an excuse to cry, get furiously angry, tell us that we mistreat her compared to her sibling… it goes on and on. She was telling me today that I am a bad person and her dad is good. She feels that her dad spends too much special time with the sibling (dad and sibling have some newly aligned interests this year). She was telling me that she has mostly enemies at school because people don’t like her and therefore she doesn’t like them. The venting is endless. I can’t seem to stop listening. She seems so miserable, but I don’t want to feed whatever this is. We are clearly feeding it. Ugh. I want to be able to help her reset.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like anxiety and a related attempt to control things. I would start the process of connecting her to a therapist but be open to the need for medication (my child couldn't access therapy until she got the right meds). You might need some parent training to learn how to reassure in a way that is supportive but doesn't reinforce the anxiety.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my anxiety/ADHD child. IMO, the ADHD presents in this situation as being unable to move on (redirect attention) from something that is somewhat irritating and ruminating on it makes it seem like a much bigger issue. And the anxiety is at play in the over developed sense of justice and always looking for a way they are excluded or slighted in some way.

Meds and parent training were a huge help. And therapy for our kiddo, but parent training honestly was more helpful. Also learn about validation. Validating your child’s feelings - not that their interpretation of the situation is valid, but how they feel about it is. “I can see how hard it is to feel left out when dad and sister go ice skating. It must be tough to watch them get ready and go off without you.” No rationalizing “but remember dad took you to the park yesterday” or fixing it “you and I can bake together.” This was a huge change in parenting style for me, but my DC really responds to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my anxiety/ADHD child. IMO, the ADHD presents in this situation as being unable to move on (redirect attention) from something that is somewhat irritating and ruminating on it makes it seem like a much bigger issue. And the anxiety is at play in the over developed sense of justice and always looking for a way they are excluded or slighted in some way.

Meds and parent training were a huge help. And therapy for our kiddo, but parent training honestly was more helpful. Also learn about validation. Validating your child’s feelings - not that their interpretation of the situation is valid, but how they feel about it is. “I can see how hard it is to feel left out when dad and sister go ice skating. It must be tough to watch them get ready and go off without you.” No rationalizing “but remember dad took you to the park yesterday” or fixing it “you and I can bake together.” This was a huge change in parenting style for me, but my DC really responds to it.

+1. Our child was similar. We were surprised by the ADHD diagnosis as we thought ADHD presented differently (we just didn't know what we didn't know) but parent training and meds really help. I wouldn't go the therapy for the kid route at 8 years old but YMMV.

In the meantime, check out parent training sites. ADHD Dude works for us but we have a boy and the ADHD Dude somehow knows exactly how we parent and it's freaky.

[Anonymous]

For girls, How to ADHD YouTube videos are great. And I think she just wrote a book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my anxiety/ADHD child. IMO, the ADHD presents in this situation as being unable to move on (redirect attention) from something that is somewhat irritating and ruminating on it makes it seem like a much bigger issue. And the anxiety is at play in the over developed sense of justice and always looking for a way they are excluded or slighted in some way.

Meds and parent training were a huge help. And therapy for our kiddo, but parent training honestly was more helpful. Also learn about validation. Validating your child’s feelings - not that their interpretation of the situation is valid, but how they feel about it is. “I can see how hard it is to feel left out when dad and sister go ice skating. It must be tough to watch them get ready and go off without you.” No rationalizing “but remember dad took you to the park yesterday” or fixing it “you and I can bake together.” This was a huge change in parenting style for me, but my DC really responds to it.

+1. Our child was similar. We were surprised by the ADHD diagnosis as we thought ADHD presented differently (we just didn't know what we didn't know) but parent training and meds really help. I wouldn't go the therapy for the kid route at 8 years old but YMMV.

In the meantime, check out parent training sites. ADHD Dude works for us but we have a boy and the ADHD Dude somehow knows exactly how we parent and it's freaky.

I've never paid for anything from ADHD Dude, but his free stuff works just great.

On another note, I have to say that I found the empathizing and constant emotional validation just fed the beast of resentment and obsessing over perceived slights. I would say "That must be hard for you," ONCE and nothing else. And then I would disengage, not try to fix, not dismiss, but just let her sit with it. Fundamentally, that's the only thing that will make it ok. She has to learn that it's part of life and that's it an OK part of life.

I read the Explosive Child and tried to follow it for a few years and all I got was an angry dysregulated kid who was being catered to way too much. It's an extremely easy trap to fall into. ADHD Dude pulled me out of that trap and things are a lot better now.

10=rough times
13=much better in school and at home (showing actual self-esteem)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my anxiety/ADHD child. IMO, the ADHD presents in this situation as being unable to move on (redirect attention) from something that is somewhat irritating and ruminating on it makes it seem like a much bigger issue. And the anxiety is at play in the over developed sense of justice and always looking for a way they are excluded or slighted in some way.

Meds and parent training were a huge help. And therapy for our kiddo, but parent training honestly was more helpful. Also learn about validation. Validating your child’s feelings - not that their interpretation of the situation is valid, but how they feel about it is. “I can see how hard it is to feel left out when dad and sister go ice skating. It must be tough to watch them get ready and go off without you.” No rationalizing “but remember dad took you to the park yesterday” or fixing it “you and I can bake together.” This was a huge change in parenting style for me, but my DC really responds to it.

+1. Our child was similar. We were surprised by the ADHD diagnosis as we thought ADHD presented differently (we just didn't know what we didn't know) but parent training and meds really help. I wouldn't go the therapy for the kid route at 8 years old but YMMV.

In the meantime, check out parent training sites. ADHD Dude works for us but we have a boy and the ADHD Dude somehow knows exactly how we parent and it's freaky.

I've never paid for anything from ADHD Dude, but his free stuff works just great.

On another note, I have to say that I found the empathizing and constant emotional validation just fed the beast of resentment and obsessing over perceived slights. I would say "That must be hard for you," ONCE and nothing else. And then I would disengage, not try to fix, not dismiss, but just let her sit with it. Fundamentally, that's the only thing that will make it ok. She has to learn that it's part of life and that's it an OK part of life.

I read the Explosive Child and tried to follow it for a few years and all I got was an angry dysregulated kid who was being catered to way too much. It's an extremely easy trap to fall into. ADHD Dude pulled me out of that trap and things are a lot better now.

10=rough times
13=much better in school and at home (showing actual self-esteem)

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my anxiety/ADHD child. IMO, the ADHD presents in this situation as being unable to move on (redirect attention) from something that is somewhat irritating and ruminating on it makes it seem like a much bigger issue. And the anxiety is at play in the over developed sense of justice and always looking for a way they are excluded or slighted in some way.

Meds and parent training were a huge help. And therapy for our kiddo, but parent training honestly was more helpful. Also learn about validation. Validating your child’s feelings - not that their interpretation of the situation is valid, but how they feel about it is. “I can see how hard it is to feel left out when dad and sister go ice skating. It must be tough to watch them get ready and go off without you.” No rationalizing “but remember dad took you to the park yesterday” or fixing it “you and I can bake together.” This was a huge change in parenting style for me, but my DC really responds to it.

+1 I would also add that I agree with 22:31 that you shouldn't immediately discount the benefit of medication. My kid also was unable to access the benefits of therapy until medication brought his symptoms down a level (actually, a lot of levels).

[Anonymous]

The rigidity, trouble with peer relationships, and problems with accurately perceiving social interactions ended up being mild ASD for my 12 yo DD.

[Anonymous]

I think this sounds like adhd and anxiety too. My daughter was similar. There is also something called “automatic negative thinking” that might be helpful to look at as well.

[Anonymous]

Until you can get professional help, and to save your sanity, you might sit down with her when she is calm and say that you have noticed that she is very focused on things being fair. You can say that this is a sign that she is growing up and learning to analyze things. There are always things that aren’t fair, or don’t seem fair, and part of growing up is to realize and accept it and cope with it. So she can have a minute to tell you about what she feels about anything, but then she needs to use a coping skill. She needs to think of three things that make her feel better, like reading, playing outside, or doing art, and then move on and stop the complaining. If she can’t stop, she can write it down, but you can’t listen to it over and over. Set a limit on the fussing while allowing her to feel the feelings and provide a notebook for an outlet or direct her to an activity. It must be miserable to feel like this. I would also start a tradition of having the family members all say something they are grateful for each day at dinner.

[Anonymous]

It’s called Justice Sensitivity. With a quick search it looks like it’s common in ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Try to get some 1:1 time with her. Extra time and attention can do wonders. Her outbursts are a way of showing how she ia feeling. Extra hugs too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an evaluation scheduled, but not for a while. My eight year old is analyzing everything in our lives for fairness over the past few days and using it as an excuse to cry, get furiously angry, tell us that we mistreat her compared to her sibling… it goes on and on. She was telling me today that I am a bad person and her dad is good. She feels that her dad spends too much special time with the sibling (dad and sibling have some newly aligned interests this year). She was telling me that she has mostly enemies at school because people don’t like her and therefore she doesn’t like them. The venting is endless. I can’t seem to stop listening. She seems so miserable, but I don’t want to feed whatever this is. We are clearly feeding it. Ugh. I want to be able to help her reset.

It's really tough and frustrating. This sounds like something that can be worked on with a child version of cognitive behavioral therapy. She has black and white thinking-things are all good or all bad. Her thoughts about situations are rigid and causing her a lot of stress. A good therapist will also work with you and your husband on strategies to support what she learns in therapy. Also, be open to the therapist suggesting meds at some point if it seems she just cannot respond to the techniques. Sometimes the combo of meds and therapy is the sweet spot because for some meds help them relax enough to be open to new ways of thinking about situations and learning skills.

I know this is easier said than done, but I had to remind myself to see my child as struggling/suffering and not take it personally. Once you get the issues identified and are getting the right interventions, try to focus on every win. It's amazing when a situation that used to cause so much stress is now something your kid can problem solve or when they talk about something that used to be BIG deal as though it is a LITTLE deal and they get over it quickly.

When she complains about unfair treatment, it's good you let her share that. See if you can talk it through and reflect back what she is saying and also help her identify the feelings of frustration/anger/hurt. See if there is something you can agree with and if not, maybe say you will take this all into consideration. Once she is getting the therapy and possibly meds, it will be easier to talk these things through, but until then it may help a little for her to emote and if there is one thing you agree with give her that, if there is one thing you think can be reasonably changed mention it and see if it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Until you can get professional help, and to save your sanity, you might sit down with her when she is calm and say that you have noticed that she is very focused on things being fair. You can say that this is a sign that she is growing up and learning to analyze things. There are always things that aren’t fair, or don’t seem fair, and part of growing up is to realize and accept it and cope with it. So she can have a minute to tell you about what she feels about anything, but then she needs to use a coping skill. She needs to think of three things that make her feel better, like reading, playing outside, or doing art, and then move on and stop the complaining. If she can’t stop, she can write it down, but you can’t listen to it over and over. Set a limit on the fussing while allowing her to feel the feelings and provide a notebook for an outlet or direct her to an activity. It must be miserable to feel like this. I would also start a tradition of having the family members all say something they are grateful for each day at dinner.

11:45 here. This is a really good approach and something we've done with our kids, especially my oldest (now 20) who has struggled the most with 'letting go and moving on'.

You may find that this is only one flavor of replay/rumination your DD will experience. She may look for evidence that supports her perception. Using techniques like the PP noted to identify 'balance' is important. Learning how to interrupt that negative feedback look so it's less likely to reinforce is important. As the PP noted, doing something that interrupts and moves them in a different direction is important. It's an important lifeskill for everyone but often kids like ours need a lot more practice at it.