How to broach asking for a family members eggs
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Anonymous
| Sooo my sister froze a bunch of eggs, had a two kids, and is holding onto them because she already pre-paid for storage and "might change her mind some day on more kids." I don't know the number left but I got the sense it was "a lot" from our conversations years ago. She and I get along well, talk on the phone maybe every other week to every month, see each other several times a year. She knows I've have some fertility struggles and is always really sympathetic but has never offered me her eggs. I don't know if that's because she doesn't want to give me them (which I of course would totally respect) or she doesn't think I'd want them. I obviously don't want to push or pressure her at all, but I want to gently float the idea that I would be interested. I could say I'm looking into donor eggs in general but I kind of want to be a little more direct that that because if I say that she might assume I am specifically not looking for her eggs (have not said that I am looking for a donor to her yet). Is there any way to express that I would really appreciate it but not make her feel pressured? |
Anonymous
| Are you doing this solo or with a partner? If a partner, how do they feel about fathering your sister’s child? |
Anonymous
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I think you really need to understand that answer is likely NO and by asking you are being very awkward.
My advice would be to say: Hey sis I haven't been very vocal about our fertility issues. We've had X losses or are unable to get any embryos to day 5. The doctors say their is no hope for me to ever have a genetic child. Before I move on to donor eggs I wanted to see if you 1) would be willing to share or 2) even have enough eggs to share. But, before you answer, I know whY I'm asking of you is unfair. I completely understand and respect if the answer is no. I also am more than willing to compensate you for the storage and retrieval fees that it took to get the eggs since I now realize how high that price is. |
Anonymous
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I’m sorry you’re going through this!
From a perspective of someone on the other side, unless she is incredibly clueless and insensitive then I guarantee you she’s thought about it but decided against offering. Watching a family member deal with infertility makes you think, man, is there anything I can do to help? But for many women it is still way too weird to think about someone else raising your genetic child. I know for me I’d feel really uncomfortable knowing I was the kids biological mom and I’d be scrutinizing every parenting decision my SIL made. And this is exactly why I haven’t offered! There are people who totally feel differently but I think they’d have offered by now. I wish you lots of luck and hope this isn’t offensive in any way! |
Anonymous
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If she hasn’t offered, the only thing you can do is mention you are considering donor eggs and let her connect the dots. I would not ask. It could cause a permanent rupture.
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Anonymous
| Mine had my mom ask me. The answer was no regardless but if your family isnt messy maybe that’s an avenue |
Anonymous
| A family member asked me for eggs. I said no (I knew my answer was no but waited to discuss it with DH and that was his feeling too). She got really upset and said some very harsh things and has been cruel in the years since. |
Anonymous
This is the answer! To all the people saying she would have offered already if the answer is yes… maybe, but it’s pretty rude to offer. We used a sperm donor and a few male friends offered unsolicited which felt extremely rude and gross. Sounds like you are close, don’t assume, just ask the way PP said it. |
Anonymous
| If I needed it, I’d actually accept them from a friend vs a sperm donor who could have large numbers of siblings for my kid. It would be weird though and many of my friends aren’t the best looking guys but that’s a nice to offer |
Anonymous
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“Hi, may I have some of your extra potential kids?”
There’s no way to do this. It’s so *personal*. I’d be upset if my sister asked. Maybe your mom could float it as her idea and pretend that she hadn’t breathed a word to you, but that’s very risky for your mom. |
Anonymous
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If she hasnt specifically mentioned that she plans to donate the eggs she had frozen, then it’s very presumptuous of you to assume they are available for the asking.
Imagine if this were vehicles instead of eggs. If your sister has four cars and she drives two but kept two in the garage, you wouldn’t ask her if you could have one or buy one, would you??? No, of course not. Now—if she said “I’m about to go sell one of my cars that’s been in the garage” and you wanted to be considered as a potential buyer, then it makes sense to speak up. Common sense. And that’s just cars. With eggs, it’s a lot more emotional and they are genetically connected. This is a bad idea, OP. If you really feel the need to ask, at least ask as a hypothetical like “have you ever considered egg donation?” Or “someone asked the other day if I had ever asked you about being a donor and I told them we’d never talked about it. Do you think it’s weird crust we haven’t talked about that before?” Then if she doesn’t take the cue to ask more questions or offer, you will know she doesn’t want any part of this. Let her take the graceful exit without feeling like you’ve cornered her. |
Anonymous
I was going to suggest this. Mom could bring it to sister as if it were her idea to gauge the reaction. But if the relationship is fraught it wouldnt work. |
Anonymous
Not the OP, but why was your answer no? Knowing what I know now about infertility I wouldn't hesitate to help my sibling if I had one. |
Anonymous
So easy for you to say in a hypothetical situation... |
Anonymous
A friend had the same, her husband's brother gave them sperm. Unfortunately there wasn't a happy ending to the story (5 rounds of IVF failed). So it was never an issue. |