Job-like level of losses

[Anonymous]

To fellow Christians

I do not say this lightly--this year, 2023, I feel like I have experienced Job-like level of losses (relative to me), meaning serious, grave losses in multiple areas, unexpectedly, spread out througout the year. Loss of parents, loss of home in a natural disaster, a move that took me away from friends and associates who were dear.

I can handle the bad memories, but the good memories are a nightmare come to life (or I guess you can say a good dream that ends every day)--I remember the good things I lost, I had them all last year, and this year, I do not have them, if only I could go back in time. But of course I can't. But this time last year, 12/20/22, I had them all-it is too much to bear to comprehend, but the thoughts take my every moment.

This feels like the end of happiness and joy. 2022 and before and 2023 and after, a major cleave.

I know we serve a good, just, loving God who has made himself know to us through Christ and has reconciled us to him through Christ. Trials are for my good. In the grand scheme of creation I am just a part and what I go through of course us just part of the "butterfly effect". We are living in the period between Christ's time on Earth and when he returns, and we know that this time is hard on Earth.

But I still need to live day to day by faith. And I am tired and sad and feel selfish at how I feel.

Can anyone relate and give insight on how you got through this.

[Anonymous]

I'm not really sure I'm qualified to answer your post, but I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I hope 2024 is a better year for you.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I’m am so sorry for your losses. The way you are feeling is valid.

Try to focus on taking one step at a time. Some days this might mean simply forcing yourself to get out of bed. Never forget that incremental advances lead to big changes.

Pray for wisdom and strength, and trust that God will carry you through, because He will.

Be careful to surround yourself with positive people and media that lift you up. We’re an easy target for darkness when we’re already down.

And remember that our troubles are for a season. There’s a great Bible in a Year podcast if you like podcasts. I listened to that a lot and it was a good tool.

Last but not least, don’t overlook the value of grief counseling. I developed PTSD from my parent’s tragic death and wish I would have found help sooner. Sometimes we need tools in order to heal.

Sending you prayers, love and light. I promise next year will get better.

[Anonymous]

You lost both your parents, my deepest sympathies. Both my parents died in 2018, they were elderly and ill with chronic diseases that could not be controlled by medication anymore, and their advanced age combined to lead to their deaths. It’s a stunning loss. Unfortunately my parents were gravely ill for a protracted time and had very serious hospitalizations, both of them. They could not live independently anymore and were under constant care of several doctors on a frequent (weekly/monthly) basis. They both struggled because they were often apart and eventually they were so ill they knew there was no return to health for them. I am so grateful my parents were Christian and had faith that though their bodies were failing and death would occur, they knew their souls would live on. They had faith in God and when the time came for their departure from this earth, they both told us (their family) that they would see us again and we would be happy together again. It was very sad but also hopeful and loving at the same time, their deaths were not a goodbye. It is very difficult to not have them here with us, but they both assured us all we would be together again and to not give ourselves over to grief unnecessarily. I don’t think of my parents as dead or gone, I think of them as having lived their lives and their lives came to their natural conclusion. We aren’t meant to live here forever; we are all going to die. There is no medicine or doctor or treatment that will allow any of us to stay young, in good health, and live forever. It goes against human nature to accept your own death and the death of people you love. We want our parents to be healthy and live with us forever. We want our children to be healthy and happy and live forever in safety. We want to live healthy and safe and secure and not be sick or hurt or die. Life is that way for absolutely no one. It’s not good to focus on death and illness, but also understanding that everyone dies, death is the natural conclusion to life, is logical and expected, etc. I don’t see the loss of your parents as a “trial,” because no one expects their parents to live forever and everyone will experience the death of their parents. Perhaps the way they passed was considered traumatic and unexpected and is a trial, and with that you should ask for your medical insurance to pay for therapy to process the traumas. If you need medication to help with the process please do not refuse it.
A natural disaster is extremely scary. We lost a home to a hurricane that strengthened unexpectedly in a few hours that the meteorologists and weather experts had previously determined to be of little consequence. Then after we evacuated, people from outside our community came in and viciously looted from the evacuated homes and businesses. People were looting during the most brutal period when the storm was impacting the area. It was depressing and disheartening that our fellow men were out there taking from people who were being devastated by the hurricane.
Did you not have insurance on your home? If you had a mortgage, the mortgage company requires there to be certain insurance policies in place (we had flood and wind additional, mandatory, separate from other home insurance) or they will take those policies out on your home to insure the home against natural disaster, and add those policy costs to the amount of your mortgage monthly. Our neighbors that lived in paid off homes that were not required to carry wind, flood insurance, some had chosen to not carry those insurances. When they returned, they faced the reality of not carrying insurance and reality was the horrific consequences of assuming the full loss of their home themselves. It was devastating. FEMA can help some people. People in this situation were extremely regretful. They blamed themselves or their spouses or the government or the insurance companies (or all those combined.) I am guessing you experienced a natural disaster and had owned your home and not carried the necessary insurances due to prohibitive costs, which is unfortunately understandable. You are not alone in your situation. It’s very difficult to afford the insurances necessary to insure a home and property against all manner of damages. I would say you have faced an unfair burden that life has placed upon many, but also you and your family escaped the natural disaster with your lives, which many do not.
Material possessions can be replaced. People can come back from great material loss. Perhaps focusing on your blessings as you and your spouse and children survived a devastating natural disaster that took the lives and homes of many will allow perspective. I’d rather lose my home than my life or the lives of loved ones.
Your dear friends and associates will always be in your memories if not your life, and although it seems impossible, you have to make new friends and associates and learn to grow in your new home. There’s simply no way to move forward without making peace with the past and committing yourself to finding happiness again and figuring out what that looks like. It will not be an easy process, and it won’t be instant. Nothing good in life comes easy or quick.
First, have you found a church to attend that you feel comfortable with and gives you strength, support, and love? If you haven’t, try to visit new churches and find a good fit. If you have found a church, have you reached out to your pastor and church leadership for help in coming to terms and processing your losses?
Have you established a primary medical provider? Have you asked for referrals to mental health professionals to help you in this time of extreme loss and pain? If you have not, you should do so. Life is very hard sometimes, and we need to have professional help at those times.
I got through loss of parents, loss of an adult child through traumatic circumstances (random homicide, the killer being un-remorseful, the killer taking the lives of 2 other people and leaving those families in terrible grief), the loss of a job, the loss of my dear little pet by being hit by a truck as they were running to see the neighbor’s dog, a dog they were friends with, by taking these losses in context and as part of life.
We are not guaranteed a joyful, problem free, prosperous existence just because we are Christian. There is no promise of anything because we are Christian, other than the salvation we will receive through the sacrifice of our Lord. Some people think that because we are Christian, that we will be attacked by forces that wish to see our downfall spiritually. In other words, the enemy sees you are not his, you belong to God, and he wishes to cause you so much trouble and grief, you will turn from God. The enemy wishes to take your happiness, your joy, and eventually your life. I work with a therapist and make a list daily of the good things that happen to me and I am grateful for.
My life is valuable without owning a home. Billions of people past present future have never/will never own a home. We love home ownership but it’s not the definition of our existence. You can work hard and your spouse can work hard and you can buy a new home.
My parents died and it’s part of life, to die.We will be together again when I die. I don’t want to die, but my body won’t live forever.
My son died because another human took his life without cause, and that same human took the lives of 2 other innocent people that left behind grieving families. Neither my son nor the people who died that day with him deserved to die, and my loss of my son is very great, but putting my feelings of loss as the biggest and most overwhelming thing to come from the tragedy of his death (and the deaths of 2 others) feels selfish to me. The people who lost their lives lost their lives. (I am alive, lucky me.) The others that died left behind small children who will not have a parent in their lives ever again. (I had my parents my entire life.) I continue to see a therapist regarding the loss of my child. The loss of a child is harder to make logical or accept; parents get old and sick and die- young healthy (even adult) children are supposed to be holding our hand when we die and grieving us. They are supposed to be here, and say goodbye to us. The natural order is disrupted when a child dies.
I don’t know if this helped, or is a long garbled message that will only serve to depress you further. No matter if you believe in God or not, you are going to lose people and things. You are going to be sad, you are going to feel like nothing is good anymore, some days. Probably a lot of days. You have to do work (ugh why can’t it come naturally, I want my morning lollipop and my afternoon unicorn ride-cotton candy included- promptly on schedule every day, no interruptions) to understand the world around you and put the things that happen in a space and build a bridge from that space to your present happiness. I truly hope you can do that, please reach out for help. There is no one who can navigate this world alone. We all need help and support from professionals, friends, doctors, etc. And if I should be alone and having lost everything, and perhaps even dying, which I will be someday, the day and hour unknown, God is by my side. He has prepared a place for me that cannot be destroyed by any man or any storm. He will always be by my side and it is in Him my ultimate strength rests. May you find peace and comfort and build your happiness back.

[Anonymous]

God wants you to learn something from all this.

Only you know what that is.

In what way were you living your life that god decided you needed this growth?. Don’t squander it.

[Anonymous]

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/lost-child-job-made-sense/?amp

Here is the story of a parent who faced great loss and that parent considering Job as you are.

I see an unkind post made by a person who (a) presumes to speak for God and (b) horribly and falsely blames you for your losses. (a) no one can speak for God. The person speaking for God should not speak for God, and does NOT speak for God. They are assuming they know God’s will (impossible) and that they know God’s plan (impossible, again.) Please don’t listen to people who think they can authoritatively speak for God or people who are operating under the delusion they know God’s will for you. They usually try to manipulate you emotionally and sometimes financially. (b) you have done nothing to cause your losses. You can’t earn good things in life with perfect behavior and good deeds; nor do you get punished for being what society or God perceives and defines as bad. Sometimes people who act bad and evil have great lives, and God does not bless evil. The world is broken. Nevertheless, as the poster above deems themselves an authority to tell you your behavior led to your losses, I encourage you to pose this question of a trusted friend, a trusted pastor, a reputable and educated counselor or therapist. You will be told by all those people that you did not cause your parents to die because God wanted to punish you, and for you to live better so you won’t be punished by loss to learn things, again Your parents died because they were old, or sick, or had been injured in an accident and medical personnel could not save them. You are not being taught a lesson, because your parents passed away. You lost a home because of a flood or fire or wind event . I am shocked someone would blame a grieving person for their parent’s death and other deeply troubling losses in life when they are asking for help. They probably had inflexible and unkind parents (sorry pp) and were raised in a parental environment that stressed punishment and discipline and the importance of being good as a way of controlling their behavior. That’s not Biblical teaching. Take care and ignore people who are blaming you for the unavoidable losses that occur in all our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God wants you to learn something from all this.

Only you know what that is.

In what way were you living your life that god decided you needed this growth?. Don’t squander it.

This is quite unkind and incorrect. Please don’t blame anyone for the bad things that happen in life, they did not cause bad things to happen. You could possibly lead grief stricken and despairing people into greater grief and depression. Sad people need support and love, not blame for situations that they didn’t cause and have no control over. If you can’t contribute lovingly and positively to people who are asking for support, please don’t say things that will cause them further distress and hurt. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God wants you to learn something from all this.

Only you know what that is.

In what way were you living your life that god decided you needed this growth?. Don’t squander it.

...really? Do you believe every bad thing that happens is because god decided someone needed to learn something? What did a child need to learn when they were abused?


OP - I'm very concerned about some of the responses you've gotten. I would like to say I'm sorry you've had so much loss compounded in a short time. Just know that time will pass and will ease the intensity of suffering. Praying for a prosperous and peaceful new year for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I’m am so sorry for your losses. The way you are feeling is valid.

Try to focus on taking one step at a time. Some days this might mean simply forcing yourself to get out of bed. Never forget that incremental advances lead to big changes.

Pray for wisdom and strength, and trust that God will carry you through, because He will.

Be careful to surround yourself with positive people and media that lift you up. We’re an easy target for darkness when we’re already down.

And remember that our troubles are for a season. There’s a great Bible in a Year podcast if you like podcasts. I listened to that a lot and it was a good tool.

Last but not least, don’t overlook the value of grief counseling. I developed PTSD from my parent’s tragic death and wish I would have found help sooner. Sometimes we need tools in order to heal.

Sending you prayers, love and light. I promise next year will get better.

This is wonderful advice.

What worked for me, time, leaning into God, and, some days reading Job and saying, "this too shall pass." I also gave myself a lot of positive self talk re: being resilient. Small things - a daily walk, in sunshine if you can, a gratitude journal of 5 things a day or whatever number works for you, and a new pet can bring comfort and joy.

I refused to end my life so continuing on was the only option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God wants you to learn something from all this.

Only you know what that is.

In what way were you living your life that god decided you needed this growth?. Don’t squander it.

...really? Do you believe every bad thing that happens is because god decided someone needed to learn something? What did a child need to learn when they were abused?


OP - I'm very concerned about some of the responses you've gotten. I would like to say I'm sorry you've had so much loss compounded in a short time. Just know that time will pass and will ease the intensity of suffering. Praying for a prosperous and peaceful new year for you.

+1 Amen. Don’t listen to responses that are clearly untrue and seek to further hurt your mental health. I am rooting for you and praying for you to find your footing and happiness over time as you process and heal. Hope is a beautiful thing. You will find your happiness again.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any brothers or sisters to talk with? Your spouse? How far away did you move, can you try to go back occasionally to see your old friends, can they visit you? If you are hurting badly, your kids must be too. Maybe you could find a family therapist to help work on these issues. When a person is as depressed and sad as you are, their kids suffer alot. Please make sure you get your kids therapy and look out for their mental health too. Think about them, they need a happy and present parent.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve faced so much misfortune. I will be praying for you, brother or sister, and I trust that your faithfulness will be rewarded

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for your losses, OP. Grief is pure heartache. Would you please consider joining a group with others experiencing the same pain? It is faith based and you could join online or in person. https://www.griefshare.org/ It helped me after losing my DD.

[Anonymous]

Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. I have a year like that spanning 2011-12. I don’t remember the next year at all as if my brain just stopped doing anything but keeping my body alive.

I did lose faith a bit that year. I cut everything out of my life that wasn’t essential, and that included some activities and friends I used to love and enjoy. I also made some big choices that were probably too fast and too reactive. When I could not see a purpose for myself or understand how I fit into the world, I tried to force it by making aggressive and now-regretted changes thinking that was where god was leading me. I think I should have sat with the despair and grief rather than trying to react it away.

I was so hurt and exhausted that my prayers had become just the word “help” over and over. The only sign I had that god existed was a stray dog that showed up in my yard. In the terrible times that followed the acute tragedies, that dog was a sign that I wasn’t going to be left alone.

If all else fails, try just a simple prayer for help.

OP, I know there will be a sign for you.