I am so lonely

[Anonymous]

DS was diagnosed with autism around age 10 and it became apparent that DH has autism as well. We have other (younger) children who are NT. What affects me more than anything is how lonely this journey is. My DS and my DH get stuck in their negative thoughts and suck the joy out of holidays, birthdays, vacations, and family outings. I can do what I want with the other kids but it’s just so damn lonely. We are in therapy but it’s hard not to feel hopeless sometimes. I hate having to beg people (esp DH) to show up, care, and not complain about things that most families just do… like going out to dinner on a birthday, sitting down to chat about weekend plans for a few minutes, or attending our daughter’s Christmas play. I have a lot of friends. I work FT. But my family experience just feels lonely… the impending winter break is not something I’m looking forward to.

[Anonymous]

What are you doing for self-care? Maybe you need to hang out with your friends

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP! I have felt the same way although I only have one DS who is in the spectrum. Take some time for yourself, see your friends and try to focus on the positive. I know it's not easy, but you have a family who loves and needs you.

[Anonymous]

Can you just accept they are not into that and celebrate with the other kids and other friends/family? My oldest and dh are more introverted and love video games. They bond over that and would hate going to loud play places. So I take the younger kids and we divide and conquer. We do whole family things only a few times a month- bike rides, hike in woods, movie-something everyone can enjoy. But with three kids that’s just more realistic. Plus my dh and I make a point to have dates with just us once a month or so. But I wouldn’t push a party on people who don’t enjoy it. It sounds like you’re expectations are not very realistic op. Your spouse can’t be your only friend/companion.

[Anonymous]

What was he like before you married him?

[Anonymous]

I feel similar way. DH and DS has autism. DD is uncertain. I just take DS and DD out doing things I want them to do, like classes, party, festival, hiking and etc. It is easy for me to make DS to go than DH to go. Many have told me DS does not look like autistic because he is happy, interactive and social, and I think that is due to I have been taking them out to explore and meet other people since they were little. I am lonely and exhausted with FT job. I know if I don't do all these, DH will not do them. DH often says it is all my fault, and that is so untrue. I need my FT job pay to buy and afford for things that I want my kids to do. He does not want to teach them swimming, fine, I pay for classes. He does not want to prepare christmas gifts, fine, I already shop for gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel similar way. DH and DS has autism. DD is uncertain. I just take DS and DD out doing things I want them to do, like classes, party, festival, hiking and etc. It is easy for me to make DS to go than DH to go. Many have told me DS does not look like autistic because he is happy, interactive and social, and I think that is due to I have been taking them out to explore and meet other people since they were little. I am lonely and exhausted with FT job. I know if I don't do all these, DH will not do them. DH often says it is all my fault, and that is so untrue. I need my FT job pay to buy and afford for things that I want my kids to do. He does not want to teach them swimming, fine, I pay for classes. He does not want to prepare christmas gifts, fine, I already shop for gifts.

OP here. This is comforting. I wish I had people like you to connect with IRL.

[Anonymous]

I do everything for the household and the kids. I don’t really mind doing it all. What makes me crazy is that I get no acknowledgment for doing it all… and worse, I am very often criticized for it. “Kids don’t need parties”. “Elf on the shelf is dumb”. “Most dads hate Christmas plays”. “If you didn’t buy all these presents, you wouldn’t have so much to wrap”. “You should plan better”. “You just need to stop scheduling things. You’re going overboard”. “A birthday party on Saturday AND a birthday dinner on the actual birthday on Tuesday? Just stop.” “You can’t even keep up with the laundry so why are you taking on extra responsibilities like volunteering at the school?” “Kids don’t need after-school activities” “Play dates aren’t important” “This new math curriculum is so dumb. I wouldn’t make them do this homework.”

[Anonymous]

Seems like we could get a support group going from people on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do everything for the household and the kids. I don’t really mind doing it all. What makes me crazy is that I get no acknowledgment for doing it all… and worse, I am very often criticized for it. “Kids don’t need parties”. “Elf on the shelf is dumb”. “Most dads hate Christmas plays”. “If you didn’t buy all these presents, you wouldn’t have so much to wrap”. “You should plan better”. “You just need to stop scheduling things. You’re going overboard”. “A birthday party on Saturday AND a birthday dinner on the actual birthday on Tuesday? Just stop.” “You can’t even keep up with the laundry so why are you taking on extra responsibilities like volunteering at the school?” “Kids don’t need after-school activities” “Play dates aren’t important” “This new math curriculum is so dumb. I wouldn’t make them do this homework.”

My DH is the same way. It's demoralizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do everything for the household and the kids. I don’t really mind doing it all. What makes me crazy is that I get no acknowledgment for doing it all… and worse, I am very often criticized for it. “Kids don’t need parties”. “Elf on the shelf is dumb”. “Most dads hate Christmas plays”. “If you didn’t buy all these presents, you wouldn’t have so much to wrap”. “You should plan better”. “You just need to stop scheduling things. You’re going overboard”. “A birthday party on Saturday AND a birthday dinner on the actual birthday on Tuesday? Just stop.” “You can’t even keep up with the laundry so why are you taking on extra responsibilities like volunteering at the school?” “Kids don’t need after-school activities” “Play dates aren’t important” “This new math curriculum is so dumb. I wouldn’t make them do this homework.”

Not OP. My ASD DH said these to me all the time. I get no compliment or acknowledgement for doing daily morning routines, drop off, pick up, take kids to therapies/classes, evening routines etc. It is my fault that I sign up this and that, but he is not taking them out or plan anything to do with kids. As a non swimmer & a non biker, how sad is that I am the one paying someone to teach kids. He cam swim and bike.

It is my fault that our house is messy because I have no time and no energy to clean while he rests in home all the time. He says kids do not need summer camp & after school care. I don't see the logic here. He works remotely, and I work hybrid. He probably expects me to multi task to work and take care of kids at the same time. Or tv or computer are the babysitters. I stop to complain too much because it is no use and just makes me more mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel similar way. DH and DS has autism. DD is uncertain. I just take DS and DD out doing things I want them to do, like classes, party, festival, hiking and etc. It is easy for me to make DS to go than DH to go. Many have told me DS does not look like autistic because he is happy, interactive and social, and I think that is due to I have been taking them out to explore and meet other people since they were little. I am lonely and exhausted with FT job. I know if I don't do all these, DH will not do them. DH often says it is all my fault, and that is so untrue. I need my FT job pay to buy and afford for things that I want my kids to do. He does not want to teach them swimming, fine, I pay for classes. He does not want to prepare christmas gifts, fine, I already shop for gifts.

Flip it on him - what does he want to do? What activities, traditions, interests does he want to cultivate in his children? These are the things they will remember him by and pass on to their children. It may not be swimming, ok, but then what is it? Ask in a collaborative, non confrontational manner and give time for it sink in and process. Sometimes people on the spectrum are overly analytical, so asking them in their framework may help to have a productive discussion. Just putting it out there. I have a spectrumy DH, it's so hard.

[Anonymous]

I realized I have a real need for shared happy times with others. Once I could strategize to have that with NT child and others it helped a lot. For me, there was some grieving involved to get to acceptance re: DH and child on spectrum. But depriving myself of having my needs met, along with NT kiddo, did not make them different, it was like beating my head against a brick wall and it was not good for anyone.

Enjoy the NT kids and friends, OP.

Enjoy ASD family members in ways that are possible for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel similar way. DH and DS has autism. DD is uncertain. I just take DS and DD out doing things I want them to do, like classes, party, festival, hiking and etc. It is easy for me to make DS to go than DH to go. Many have told me DS does not look like autistic because he is happy, interactive and social, and I think that is due to I have been taking them out to explore and meet other people since they were little. I am lonely and exhausted with FT job. I know if I don't do all these, DH will not do them. DH often says it is all my fault, and that is so untrue. I need my FT job pay to buy and afford for things that I want my kids to do. He does not want to teach them swimming, fine, I pay for classes. He does not want to prepare christmas gifts, fine, I already shop for gifts.

Ehhh. No.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, your DH sounds difficult and un-helpful, and I feel for you. Yes, it is lonely.

I hate to say he may be right about anything, because my sympathies lie with you, but really, some parents do choose less activities, less festivities, etc. and that's fine. Sometimes a birthday is more special if it's only one event, you know? Kids don't necessarily need a ton of gifts, especially if they find them overwhelming.
Sometimes the homework really doesn't need to be done by your child. If it's causing difficulty and you don't find it academically beneficial, you can speak with the teacher about an accommodation like doing every other problem on the page, or having one night off each week. Teachers will often agree to this as it's less work for them to grade, and if they don't feel your child needs the practice, there's no educational benefit to insisting on it. Or if you're busy with something else, speak with the teacher and say "Larlo has 1:1 math tutoring on X days, so I'm planning to not have him do the homework on those days."