I am so lonely

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I feel the same but in a really different way. Same situation with autistic DS and DH, but DH is actually the one who would rather go out and do things than me! I'm much more of a homebody, and he and DS both prefer novel activities of any kind (they are both likely AuDHD, although we have not gotten a diagnosis for that part yet).

What I get frustrated about is that DH does want to do all of these things to "help me," which is super sweet, but then he also gets burnt out and overwhelmed and ends up acting like a jerk to the kids. This often results in the ASD kid also overreacting, and then they are both mad at each other and at everyone else. I honestly wish I had a situation where DH would back off and do less because he doesn't realize what he can and cannot do successfully without getting overstimulated. For years I have thought it would be easier if he just didn't want to be so involved - which is terrible but also true. Both all of us - him included - often end up miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I feel the same but in a really different way. Same situation with autistic DS and DH, but DH is actually the one who would rather go out and do things than me! I'm much more of a homebody, and he and DS both prefer novel activities of any kind (they are both likely AuDHD, although we have not gotten a diagnosis for that part yet).

What I get frustrated about is that DH does want to do all of these things to "help me," which is super sweet, but then he also gets burnt out and overwhelmed and ends up acting like a jerk to the kids. This often results in the ASD kid also overreacting, and then they are both mad at each other and at everyone else. I honestly wish I had a situation where DH would back off and do less because he doesn't realize what he can and cannot do successfully without getting overstimulated. For years I have thought it would be easier if he just didn't want to be so involved - which is terrible but also true. Both all of us - him included - often end up miserable.

NP and it’s really messed up, but I’ve cut DH out of so many things because of this. I feel a lot of hope for the younger generation of neurodiverse children because I can so clearly see that DH would have benefited from the kind of interventions and support that children with autism are offered now. DH doesn’t know his own limits and will insist he’s up to things that he’s not. He’ll fail at a task or become overwhelmed in a social situation. Then he doesn’t have the awareness to find a safe place to calm down or a way to take himself out of the situation, so he’ll lash out at the kids or pick a fight with me to get someone else to remove him from the situation. It was a coping mechanism he learned as a child and it doesn’t help him as an adult.

I really appreciate you, OP and all of the other PPs on this thread. In contrast to all of the attention and openness we give to our children with autism, I feel like DH’s autism is Top Secret and it’s the thing we tiptoe around at home and in public. It is indeed very lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS was diagnosed with autism around age 10 and it became apparent that DH has autism as well. We have other (younger) children who are NT. What affects me more than anything is how lonely this journey is. My DS and my DH get stuck in their negative thoughts and suck the joy out of holidays, birthdays, vacations, and family outings. I can do what I want with the other kids but it’s just so damn lonely. We are in therapy but it’s hard not to feel hopeless sometimes. I hate having to beg people (esp DH) to show up, care, and not complain about things that most families just do… like going out to dinner on a birthday, sitting down to chat about weekend plans for a few minutes, or attending our daughter’s Christmas play. I have a lot of friends. I work FT. But my family experience just feels lonely… the impending winter break is not something I’m looking forward to.

Same here.
We do a lot of days, weekends, and trips with other friends or families and keep the talking up. They don’t complain as much when “outsiders” are around.

I also go to dinner or drinks with my own friends after 8pm some nights. My HFa spouse could care less, kids are home going to bed or homework, and I’m lonely and my friends know my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel similar way. DH and DS has autism. DD is uncertain. I just take DS and DD out doing things I want them to do, like classes, party, festival, hiking and etc. It is easy for me to make DS to go than DH to go. Many have told me DS does not look like autistic because he is happy, interactive and social, and I think that is due to I have been taking them out to explore and meet other people since they were little. I am lonely and exhausted with FT job. I know if I don't do all these, DH will not do them. DH often says it is all my fault, and that is so untrue. I need my FT job pay to buy and afford for things that I want my kids to do. He does not want to teach them swimming, fine, I pay for classes. He does not want to prepare christmas gifts, fine, I already shop for gifts.

OP here. This is comforting. I wish I had people like you to connect with IRL.

Join Dr K Marshacks meet up groups. The DC area has many NT/AS couples plowing through these things.
Her books with spot on too; I had to read them slowly, too much of each page hit home, hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do everything for the household and the kids. I don’t really mind doing it all. What makes me crazy is that I get no acknowledgment for doing it all… and worse, I am very often criticized for it. “Kids don’t need parties”. “Elf on the shelf is dumb”. “Most dads hate Christmas plays”. “If you didn’t buy all these presents, you wouldn’t have so much to wrap”. “You should plan better”. “You just need to stop scheduling things. You’re going overboard”. “A birthday party on Saturday AND a birthday dinner on the actual birthday on Tuesday? Just stop.” “You can’t even keep up with the laundry so why are you taking on extra responsibilities like volunteering at the school?” “Kids don’t need after-school activities” “Play dates aren’t important” “This new math curriculum is so dumb. I wouldn’t make them do this homework.”

Write that off. My aspie In Laws are like that with their rude but clueless comments.

Why did you decorate for the holidays?
Why did you carve a jack of lantern, what a waste!
Why do your kids play soccer or sports argh.
I don’t know if I like this beach trip you paid for for us, what are all the other beaches like?
Why do the grandkids need a cake in their actual bday with us, they had a kid party last month.

[Anonymous]

It’s a difficult and lonely journey. Many of us on this forum can relate. DH wants to go places and do things but when we do its’s hell when things don’t turn out exactly what he had in mind. We could be sitting by the pool on vacation, children swimming etc., he fixates on why we are not hiking as a family. He gets the children agitated then complains that they ruined the day. That’s just one example of hundreds of examples.

[Anonymous]

Im getting a divorce. That is my answer.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to all as I read these posts. I don’t know what you have to do to balance your life, but I urge you to try. Life shouldn’t be this hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel similar way. DH and DS has autism. DD is uncertain. I just take DS and DD out doing things I want them to do, like classes, party, festival, hiking and etc. It is easy for me to make DS to go than DH to go. Many have told me DS does not look like autistic because he is happy, interactive and social, and I think that is due to I have been taking them out to explore and meet other people since they were little. I am lonely and exhausted with FT job. I know if I don't do all these, DH will not do them. DH often says it is all my fault, and that is so untrue. I need my FT job pay to buy and afford for things that I want my kids to do. He does not want to teach them swimming, fine, I pay for classes. He does not want to prepare christmas gifts, fine, I already shop for gifts.

Can your DH swim himself? This is our biggest battle with Autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im getting a divorce. That is my answer.

DH is an awful communicator. I can’t imagine trying to coparent with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im getting a divorce. That is my answer.

DH is an awful communicator. I can’t imagine trying to coparent with him.

You already are. However you are also demonstrating to your kids that its ok for you to be unhappy and for a marriage and family to revolve around one persons whims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im getting a divorce. That is my answer.

DH is an awful communicator. I can’t imagine trying to coparent with him.

You already are. However you are also demonstrating to your kids that its ok for you to be unhappy and for a marriage and family to revolve around one persons whims.

Nope, right now I do everything and he fades in and out when he feels like it. If he had the kids for some number of days each week or month, he’d have to communicate his schedule and keep up with kids’ activities.

[Anonymous]

I feel like life should be easier. I feel like it was easier in the past. I am going through a rough time too with a son and husband at least with traits if not HFA. I keep wondering when I will wake up from this strange dream, and how I got here.

[Anonymous]

What pathetic DHs these are. Why bother to be married to them anymore, if they are so negative and unhelpful? Let them pay child support and live elsewhere--sounds like everyone would be happier, except maybe them. Shameful behavior.

[Anonymous]

My 14 year old son was recently diagnosed as Asperger’s (high functioning ASD). After years and years of interventions for various issues the diagnosis made complete sense, sort of a finally we know what’s going on exhale. However, as I’ve researched how best to help/support DS I realize my DH is also an Aspie. Putting the ASD filter on his sometimes odd behaviors and maddening communication style makes everything crystal clear. I’d also bet my mother-in-law has the same thing. Holy crap I feel like an idiot - I’ve been married for 20 years!