Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?

[Anonymous]

I was told i should try for a girl for this reason. I couldn’t believe my friend said this. Then she went on to say, well why else do you have kids…i guess some view their kids this way but I never have.

[Anonymous]

No. I live too far to be a caretaker for my parents, so I don’t expect my kids to be mine.

[Anonymous]

Yes. That is the expectation in my culture which doesn’t throw grandmas off of trains like Americans. (saw that movie when I first got here and it stuck.)

[Anonymous]

No. I'm moving to Europe. Caring for elderly is done by neighbors and social workers there.
That said, my two kids have about 10 relatives without children here in US. All will be 80-90 years old when my children are 50-60.

[Anonymous]

No. That is a great burden to bear!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was told i should try for a girl for this reason. I couldn’t believe my friend said this. Then she went on to say, well why else do you have kids…i guess some view their kids this way but I never have.

I just told DH that I hope not to be a burden on the kids, and that I would put myself in a retirement home when I start to realize I cannot take care of myself. That's how I feel now, but I don't know if I will feel the same when I hit that stage. I have both a boy and girl, and I have to say, my DD is the one who talks about taking care of me. I think my DS would help out financially, but he is not a caregiver type.

When I look at the older generation: my parents, ILs, parents of friends, it is mostly the daughters that do the care taking.

My mother has early dementia. She cannot go into a care home because she is an immigrant and can't speak English. So, my sister, God bless her, who lives very close to her takes care of her. My sister has an adult son, and she quit working to take care of her full time. My dad is useless taking care of her. I help them out financially because I live on the other side of the country.

My mother said to my sister, "Oh you only have a son, who will take care of you. Daughters are the best. They think about their parents more." I have a brother, too, and he's MIA most of the time.

Obviously, not all men are like this. I know a few who checked in on their parents more because the daughter lived further away, and my DH goes on video calls with his mom every week. But, in general, elder care, and childcare, seems to fall on the daughters.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/when-parents-need-care-daughters-carry-the-burden-study-says/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I'm moving to Europe. Caring for elderly is done by neighbors and social workers there.
That said, my two kids have about 10 relatives without children here in US. All will be 80-90 years old when my children are 50-60.

"Europe" is pretty broad. Is there a specific region/country where this happens? I have friends in several European countries (Belgium, Spain, Netherlands, Ireland, UK.) I've never directly asked them, but none of them have ever mentioned that they are expected to provide elder care for their neighbors.

[Anonymous]

That's not why I had kids and I hope I can minimize any burden on them by ensuring we have the financial ability to cover long term care, moving to assisted living when we need to, etc. but, having experienced aging grandparents and parents I know the reality is that some level of care/oversight is generally needed that is really hard to outsource, e.g. making sure finances are being managed OK, being consulted when the parent needs to go to the hospital, helping to arrange next steps after release from the hospital, etc. We do that for our parents so, yes, I would expect my kids to step up.

[Anonymous]

Well, I only have sons. I guess I should hope for a quick demise and not some lengthy illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I only have sons. I guess I should hope for a quick demise and not some lengthy illness.

I think most people want that, not many are lucky enough to get it.

[Anonymous]

Of course not. That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I'm moving to Europe. Caring for elderly is done by neighbors and social workers there.
That said, my two kids have about 10 relatives without children here in US. All will be 80-90 years old when my children are 50-60.

"Europe" is pretty broad. Is there a specific region/country where this happens? I have friends in several European countries (Belgium, Spain, Netherlands, Ireland, UK.) I've never directly asked them, but none of them have ever mentioned that they are expected to provide elder care for their neighbors.

I’d like to know too, because no neighbors are taking care of my parents in their European country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. That is the expectation in my culture which doesn’t throw grandmas off of trains like Americans. (saw that movie when I first got here and it stuck.)

Let's not paint a broad stroke for all Americans, ok?

[Anonymous]

No, but I would want them to check in on me, make sure I am not being abused etc. I would never want them to have to do the day to day caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I'm moving to Europe. Caring for elderly is done by neighbors and social workers there.
That said, my two kids have about 10 relatives without children here in US. All will be 80-90 years old when my children are 50-60.

That's a luxury not everyone has