Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was told i should try for a girl for this reason. I couldn’t believe my friend said this. Then she went on to say, well why else do you have kids…i guess some view their kids this way but I never have.

I just told DH that I hope not to be a burden on the kids, and that I would put myself in a retirement home when I start to realize I cannot take care of myself. That's how I feel now, but I don't know if I will feel the same when I hit that stage. I have both a boy and girl, and I have to say, my DD is the one who talks about taking care of me. I think my DS would help out financially, but he is not a caregiver type.

When I look at the older generation: my parents, ILs, parents of friends, it is mostly the daughters that do the care taking.

My mother has early dementia. She cannot go into a care home because she is an immigrant and can't speak English. So, my sister, God bless her, who lives very close to her takes care of her. My sister has an adult son, and she quit working to take care of her full time. My dad is useless taking care of her. I help them out financially because I live on the other side of the country.

My mother said to my sister, "Oh you only have a son, who will take care of you. Daughters are the best. They think about their parents more." I have a brother, too, and he's MIA most of the time.

Obviously, not all men are like this. I know a few who checked in on their parents more because the daughter lived further away, and my DH goes on video calls with his mom every week. But, in general, elder care, and childcare, seems to fall on the daughters.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/when-parents-need-care-daughters-carry-the-burden-study-says/

OMG - this sexism is so bad!

My sister and I live in different cities to my parents. My brother oversees my parents because he's there. I will go to a home and pick it out while I'm cognizant. I only have girls so, yes, MY CHILDREN, will oversee my care. I will make it as low of a burden as possible. Hopefully, when my mind goes, assisted suicide is legal - why should I have fate worse than a dog? Throw me off the train if I serve no purpose!!!!! I don't want to be alive in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. That is the expectation in my culture which doesn’t throw grandmas off of trains like Americans. (saw that movie when I first got here and it stuck.)

Are you a chinawoman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I'm moving to Europe. Caring for elderly is done by neighbors and social workers there.
That said, my two kids have about 10 relatives without children here in US. All will be 80-90 years old when my children are 50-60.

"Europe" is pretty broad. Is there a specific region/country where this happens? I have friends in several European countries (Belgium, Spain, Netherlands, Ireland, UK.) I've never directly asked them, but none of them have ever mentioned that they are expected to provide elder care for their neighbors.

My MIL in the UK is looked after by my BIL. My SIL visits and helps, but she is not the most practical person to look after MIL. No neighbors absolutely DO NOT look after the elderly in UK.

I read an article about an elderly lady who died in Italy and her body was discovered years later, so obviously no one checked in on her either.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/feb/08/italian-woman-found-dead-seated-at-table-mummified-state

Furthermore I lived in NL above a forgotten older lady. I would have helped her more but she was MEAN and shouted at children playing. She would come out specifically to tell me rotten things, like she didn't like my bicycle or stroller. So no neighbors were looking after her or anyone else there there either.

I think PP is is nuts thinking that neighbors look after each other in "Europe". I've lived in Germany, France, UK, and Netherlands. Literally, I've never seen this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I only have sons. I guess I should hope for a quick demise and not some lengthy illness.

Not if you raised them well! I think the PPs who look at daughters for this are perpetuating misogyny. Your sons will do fine.

[Anonymous]

No of course not - I have 3 boys but wouldn't expect it of girls either. I want to retire someplace thats nice and fun to retire - and I want them to chase whatever careers they want wherever makes sense. I wouldn't want to live in brooklyn just so they could take care of me or for then to leave nyc for that reason either if that's where they want to be

I hope they help make sure i'm cared for if i'm unexpectedly not able to do that for myself (eg a stroke very suddenly made it so i could no longer live alone so i needed someone to find me a place in assisted living immediately) but I wouldn't want them orienting their lives around being my caretaker

even if we lived close, they'll likely be in the thick of carting teenagers to 1000 activities when i needed real caregiving. I wouldn't want to make their lives even more exhausting.

[Anonymous]

My mom tried / offered to take care of all the grandparents. None of them had any interest in uprooting from their regions (where they had local friends, familiarity with area and low traffic locations to prolong ability to drive etc) to come live near or with us in NOVA. Its a nice fantasy to imagine everyone staying in the same location and a beloved child who has time and energy to spare care for us, but thats rare. And most of us wont want to leave what's familiar and has all the other parts of our life just to go be near a child for them to do that

[Anonymous]

No, when the time comes we have no desire to try to live in our own house and assume our kids will take care of us. Well in advance we are looking at graduated living facilities where the level of care can increase over time. We will do this near to our children but we don’t want to be a burden. We should have adequate resources so that is not a concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not why I had kids and I hope I can minimize any burden on them by ensuring we have the financial ability to cover long term care, moving to assisted living when we need to, etc. but, having experienced aging grandparents and parents I know the reality is that some level of care/oversight is generally needed that is really hard to outsource, e.g. making sure finances are being managed OK, being consulted when the parent needs to go to the hospital, helping to arrange next steps after release from the hospital, etc. We do that for our parents so, yes, I would expect my kids to step up.

Agreed. My parents did not plan well, and my father refused to go into LTC. The last year was just terrible and I flat out told my mother that her wishes will come second to her safety and my ability to handle her care when the time comes. But even with the best planning, someone still needs to manage their care and finances. I have one child and would love to be close by her family as an adult, if she wants me nearby, but don't have the assumption that we'll ever move in with her out of necessity. We're saving and planning as best as we can, and hope that will be enough to minimize the burden on her.

[Anonymous]

No. But I expect them to be my care coordinator when I’m past being able to coordinate.

I expect to have help managing my money (with the help of my financial manager), paying bills (with my money) and doing my taxes (coordinating with my tax accountant).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. That is the expectation in my culture which doesn’t throw grandmas off of trains like Americans. (saw that movie when I first got here and it stuck.)

Kinda dramatic…its about parents preparing ahead of time. Let that expectation go especially if your child marries an American.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I only have sons. I guess I should hope for a quick demise and not some lengthy illness.

Same. I wouldn’t want a long death anyway. It’s bad for all involved. Rip the bandaid off!

[Anonymous]

Also most women are will to quit or work part time to care for parents. No man is doing/ or should be doing this especially if he has his own family. So I see OP’s friends point. Inwould not want my son stop working but im ok if my daughter does IF she has a supportive husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I only have sons. I guess I should hope for a quick demise and not some lengthy illness.

In my culture the sons are expected to take care of their parents. The daughters are expected to serve their husband’s parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I only have sons. I guess I should hope for a quick demise and not some lengthy illness.

In my culture the sons are expected to take care of their parents. The daughters are expected to serve their husband’s parents.

So the unmarried daughters have no responsibility? Interesting…

Maybe being a single lady isn’t so bad.

[Anonymous]

No way. I’ll never do to my kids what my FIL and I’m have done to us. Mil and my dad died quickly.