Partner always seeing the bad side of things
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Looking for advice on how to deal with a partner who always focuses on the bad side of things, and is somehow always unhappy even when there’s no objective reason to be. It’s like they’re unable to just mentally rest and be content - we’ll be sitting on the couch and I’ll just be chilling, and they’ll inevitably bring up some completely random issue that I had no way of knowing about or preventing that has been stewing in their head for no immediate reason.
I definitely know there’s some anxiety at play. An added issue is that they have zero self-critique and because I’m right there, I and our relationship are the prime targets for the “issues” they identify, which drives me CRAZY. I’ve been putting a lot on pressure on myself to meet all their standards (eg having different preferences about how to do things around the house, but always being the one to honour theirs because I recognize that it doesn’t matter), but they keep finding new things to complain about. It’s pretty to clear to me that whatever I do, I have no control over their happiness, so I’m pushing back against the blame that’s being put on me. This has been terrible for our relationship. I’m finding it very difficult to be empathetic even though I know the issues feel real to them, partly because I’m being blamed for it in a way that I feel is unjust and also because I feel zero effort on their part to at least recognize the part they play in our dynamics. They recognize they have anxious tendencies, but tend to have a very “woe is me” approach whenever we talk about our issues. They always end up retreating to a place where they say they feel they can’t do anything right and feel terrible about themselves. Again, it must feel awful to them, but I struggle to feel empathy because this shuts down any possible joint work we could do. They’ll tend stew about it and the atmosphere will be ruined for hours, if not days (and again, they’ll blame me for it). I can’t count the number of good or special days that have been tarnished by something they’ve brought up right before we went to bed. I certainly contribute to the dynamic. I know I’m not patient enough, and I have trouble letting myself be blamed for things I feel are unfair. Things would go smoother if I just let go, but I feel like I would be letting them win. I know we would benefit from couples counselling, but frankly I feel like they mostly need individual counselling and am salty about putting in the work when they won’t. They’re not exactly opposed to therapy, but aren’t really making the move to go. I’ve gotten some recs for good therapists from friends, but finding a good moment to bring them up is tricky. We’ve been together for five years and it’s progressively getting worse, as we get more entrenched in our couple dynamics. We’re a same-sex couple so there are no traditional gender dynamics at play. We don’t have kids. Any advice on what I can do on my end to make things go more smoothly? I’m open to hearing that I should be more empathetic and cut them some slack, but I’m having a very hard time doing that! |
Anonymous
| Why stay with this person? You won’t be able to change them. I have been there and leaving is really the only option. |
Anonymous
|
I’m not going to tell you need to be more empathetic and cut them some slack. I’m going to ask you: why you have not ended this relationship?
You describe this person as your partner, not your spouse. You don’t have kids. This is not fixable. You deserve to be happy in life and in a relationship. |
Anonymous
| Why stay with this person? |
Anonymous
|
OP here, I think I’m hoping that therapy would help. We communicate pretty well, have the same sense of humour and similar values. It’s like we’re generally doing well but keep being interrupted by these bouts of unhappiness.. but really they end up being our life.
The sunk cost fallacy, being in my early 30s and having spent five years with someone, doesn’t help. Neither do our joint finances, but I guess I’m holding out hope that we could improve with therapy. |
Anonymous
It is hard to know without being a fly on the wall, but since you don't describe anything that sounds abusive and you do admit to certain shortcomings in your own behavior and relational skills that might be contributing to the issues you have with your partner, I think five years together should merit at least a six month commitment to therapy (individual and couple's) before you cash out the investment. I don't know if you've ever checked out the shows that are about couples therapy, or have you ever been in couples therapy before? So many people are struggling in relationships that could greatly benefit by helping them learn effective and respectful communication skills, which many of us aren't really taught in life, we just stumble and if we are lucky and have healthily married parents, we learn by observation. Anyway couples therapy can either help you build the skills to stay together or it can also be the off-ramp, the path to figuring out that it isn't meant to be and hopefully to ending it in such a way that there isn't trauma that will effect future intimacy. So, get thee both to therapists - individually and together - for the next six months, minimum. If the rest of your life isn't worth that investment, priorities are also a problem. |
Anonymous
| Some anxiety?? Yikes. Wondering what type of stuff does your partner seem to dwell on? Is this chore related issue or something larger? |
Anonymous
| It sounds like they need meds |
Anonymous
| Get out of this relationship |
Anonymous
This. Also, for you, OP, coda.org. Life is too short to shackle yourself to Eeyore. Re-read the part about special days being ruined. It's a choice to sign up for a life of this or not. This is how it is. You might want to go to therapy yourself, to figure out why you don't think you deserve to be happy and what you may be avoiding by being so focused on trying to "fix" or change others, something that is actually not possible. Did you grow up in a broken home, have abuse, etc. some old pattern that you are trying to make come out differently this time? 5 years of your life are gone. Enough. |