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[quote=Anonymous]Looking for advice on how to deal with a partner who always focuses on the bad side of things, and is somehow always unhappy even when there’s no objective reason to be. It’s like they’re unable to just mentally rest and be content - we’ll be sitting on the couch and I’ll just be chilling, and they’ll inevitably bring up some completely random issue that I had no way of knowing about or preventing that has been stewing in their head for no immediate reason.

I definitely know there’s some anxiety at play. An added issue is that they have zero self-critique and because I’m right there, I and our relationship are the prime targets for the “issues” they identify, which drives me CRAZY. I’ve been putting a lot on pressure on myself to meet all their standards (eg having different preferences about how to do things around the house, but always being the one to honour theirs because I recognize that it doesn’t matter), but they keep finding new things to complain about.

It’s pretty to clear to me that whatever I do, I have no control over their happiness, so I’m pushing back against the blame that’s being put on me. This has been terrible for our relationship. I’m finding it very difficult to be empathetic even though I know the issues feel real to them, partly because I’m being blamed for it in a way that I feel is unjust and also because I feel zero effort on their part to at least recognize the part they play in our dynamics. They recognize they have anxious tendencies, but tend to have a very “woe is me” approach whenever we talk about our issues. They always end up retreating to a place where they say they feel they can’t do anything right and feel terrible about themselves.

Again, it must feel awful to them, but I struggle to feel empathy because this shuts down any possible joint work we could do. They’ll tend stew about it and the atmosphere will be ruined for hours, if not days (and again, they’ll blame me for it). I can’t count the number of good or special days that have been tarnished by something they’ve brought up right before we went to bed.

I certainly contribute to the dynamic. I know I’m not patient enough, and I have trouble letting myself be blamed for things I feel are unfair. Things would go smoother if I just let go, but I feel like I would be letting them win. I know we would benefit from couples counselling, but frankly I feel like they mostly need individual counselling and am salty about putting in the work when they won’t. They’re not exactly opposed to therapy, but aren’t really making the move to go. I’ve gotten some recs for good therapists from friends, but finding a good moment to bring them up is tricky.

We’ve been together for five years and it’s progressively getting worse, as we get more entrenched in our couple dynamics. We’re a same-sex couple so there are no traditional gender dynamics at play. We don’t have kids.

Any advice on what I can do on my end to make things go more smoothly? I’m open to hearing that I should be more empathetic and cut them some slack, but I’m having a very hard time doing that! [/quote]

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