“Agency and exploration are some of the only things the wealthy can’t buy for their kids”

[Anonymous]

This is so triggering because agency and exploration are some of the only things the wealthy can’t buy for their kids. It takes commitment, sacrifice and attention that can’t be hired out. Makes them nuts.

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Yes and a lot of the folks on DCUM are wealthy due to having two-career families with demanding jobs. Even among families with a SAHM, the pace of lifestyle in this area can be incredibly intense and there's a lot of pressure to academically accelerate kids, competition for private school spots, and of course the college race. So the idea that all of that is actually detrimental to kids is terrifying because these are families that have sacrificed a lot in order to do it.

Being told that maybe you should have worked less, spent more time with your kids, created a more relaxed and nurturing home environment, skipped the intensive enrichments and competitive private schools, and your children would actually be BETTER off for it? You have to shut it down because it's too upsetting a thought.


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These are comments from this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/90/1170508.page

I wanted to get DCUM’s thoughts on these sentiments. DH and I grew up “free-range” to LMC parents, and now we are “working wealthy” (HHI of ~$800k/year but no generational wealth and lots of student debt). Our kids go to Big 3 privates, and the rates of anxiety and depression are off the charts at these schools. Every single weekday, my 6th graders have a structured organized activity (either a sport or a music lesson).

My kids are WAY further ahead academically and extracurricularly than when I was as a kid. At the same time, I think they lack a lot of the agency and exploration that I had from my lower-middle class, free-range childhood. They don’t know how to navigate on their own, and they don’t really hang out with the neighborhood kids like I did.

What do you guys think? I definitely have deprived my kids of some of the agency and exploration that I had as a kid, but they’re way more accomplished than I was at that age.

[Anonymous]

Wrong.

I give my children agency and they are free to explore many things, despite our wealth. They have both used it well.

What I cannot give is HEALTH. Unfortunately, they have inherited poor genes, and I am sad that one will go through life with a serious physical health condition, and the other with a mental health condition.

But at least they will have the best treatments that money can buy.

You seem hell-bent on making offensive assumptions about other people.

Do not forget that for most of the world, you too are a wealthy person, and can be despised for things you cannot control, such as your money, your nationality, your religion, or the color of your skin!

Why would you turn around and do the same thing to others?

[Anonymous]

You don’t seem very happy and fulfilled yourself, OP. I’m not sure your model is a good one, based on your own obvious misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wrong.

I give my children agency and they are free to explore many things, despite our wealth. They have both used it well.

What I cannot give is HEALTH. Unfortunately, they have inherited poor genes, and I am sad that one will go through life with a serious physical health condition, and the other with a mental health condition.

But at least they will have the best treatments that money can buy.

You seem hell-bent on making offensive assumptions about other people.

Do not forget that for most of the world, you too are a wealthy person, and can be despised for things you cannot control, such as your money, your nationality, your religion, or the color of your skin!

Why would you turn around and do the same thing to others?

Not OP, but you didn't read. OP is quoting comments on another thread. She herself is in a situation more like yours. No one on this thread "despises" you and no one is "hell-bent" on making offensive assumptions.

Your level of defensiveness actually does speak to insecurity about the way you are raising your kids. Like the level of martyrdom in your post indicates that maybe you are not 100% confident that you are going about it the right way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wrong.

I give my children agency and they are free to explore many things, despite our wealth. They have both used it well.

What I cannot give is HEALTH. Unfortunately, they have inherited poor genes, and I am sad that one will go through life with a serious physical health condition, and the other with a mental health condition.

But at least they will have the best treatments that money can buy.

You seem hell-bent on making offensive assumptions about other people.

Do not forget that for most of the world, you too are a wealthy person, and can be despised for things you cannot control, such as your money, your nationality, your religion, or the color of your skin!

Why would you turn around and do the same thing to others?

Not OP, but you didn't read. OP is quoting comments on another thread. She herself is in a situation more like yours. No one on this thread "despises" you and no one is "hell-bent" on making offensive assumptions.

Your level of defensiveness actually does speak to insecurity about the way you are raising your kids. Like the level of martyrdom in your post indicates that maybe you are not 100% confident that you are going about it the right way.

Just don't go there. My kids are older teens and adults, and they're showing the positive results of their upbringing. I did read the OP correctly. Self-hate is just as bad as hating others, and she appears to be doing both. Maybe you should try reading between the lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wrong.

I give my children agency and they are free to explore many things, despite our wealth. They have both used it well.

What I cannot give is HEALTH. Unfortunately, they have inherited poor genes, and I am sad that one will go through life with a serious physical health condition, and the other with a mental health condition.

But at least they will have the best treatments that money can buy.

You seem hell-bent on making offensive assumptions about other people.

Do not forget that for most of the world, you too are a wealthy person, and can be despised for things you cannot control, such as your money, your nationality, your religion, or the color of your skin!

Why would you turn around and do the same thing to others?

Not OP, but you didn't read. OP is quoting comments on another thread. She herself is in a situation more like yours. No one on this thread "despises" you and no one is "hell-bent" on making offensive assumptions.

Your level of defensiveness actually does speak to insecurity about the way you are raising your kids. Like the level of martyrdom in your post indicates that maybe you are not 100% confident that you are going about it the right way.

Woah. I’m not the PP but you sound crazy. That was some absolutely nutty overreaction.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by agency and exploration?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by agency and exploration?

This comment is DCUM wrapped up in a nutshell.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I will tell my nanny to give the kids 15 minutes of agency and 15 minutes of exploration daily.

[Anonymous]

Why a thread to criticize someone. One was enough.

[Anonymous]

If your kids cannot navigate on their own they are, in fact, *not* ahead academically, extracurricularly or at all. It sounds like you’re gaslighting yourself to justify that tuition check you pay every month.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if people who grew up poor go to extremes when it comes to getting their kids into the “top 3”, having them in an instructional activity every day chosen by parents and allowing them to apply to colleges with big names as opposed to what’s best suited for the child.

Instead of creating generational wealth with their now high incomes they spend it all in trying to create a perfect child. What happens if that child who you spent about a million dollars on education gets a job that she loves but will always be a middle class income.

Our family has generational wealth and it is such a relief to know my children and their children are taken care of. No one has or will have student loans and they are all allowed to follow their own track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so triggering because agency and exploration are some of the only things the wealthy can’t buy for their kids. It takes commitment, sacrifice and attention that can’t be hired out. Makes them nuts.

—

Yes and a lot of the folks on DCUM are wealthy due to having two-career families with demanding jobs. Even among families with a SAHM, the pace of lifestyle in this area can be incredibly intense and there's a lot of pressure to academically accelerate kids, competition for private school spots, and of course the college race. So the idea that all of that is actually detrimental to kids is terrifying because these are families that have sacrificed a lot in order to do it.

Being told that maybe you should have worked less, spent more time with your kids, created a more relaxed and nurturing home environment, skipped the intensive enrichments and competitive private schools, and your children would actually be BETTER off for it? You have to shut it down because it's too upsetting a thought.


—

These are comments from this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/90/1170508.page

I wanted to get DCUM’s thoughts on these sentiments. DH and I grew up “free-range” to LMC parents, and now we are “working wealthy” (HHI of ~$800k/year but no generational wealth and lots of student debt). Our kids go to Big 3 privates, and the rates of anxiety and depression are off the charts at these schools. Every single weekday, my 6th graders have a structured organized activity (either a sport or a music lesson).

My kids are WAY further ahead academically and extracurricularly than when I was as a kid. At the same time, I think they lack a lot of the agency and exploration that I had from my lower-middle class, free-range childhood. They don’t know how to navigate on their own, and they don’t really hang out with the neighborhood kids like I did.

What do you guys think? I definitely have deprived my kids of some of the agency and exploration that I had as a kid, but they’re way more accomplished than I was at that age.

If all the extras are just about getting ahead or their forced then that's not a good thing. I didn't get to do a ton of activities as a kid, and no sports, physical disability. I would have liked to try a few things, but I was very happy with what I did have. Plenty of free time to learn how to entertain myself in a very social neighborhood, the ability to deal with others on my own, conflict resolution, responsibility .When HS, I did a few school clubs, but again I learned how to not need organized things to entertain me. I did well in school, went to college and have a good job. Kids learn can learn lessons from activities, but I think lessons learned without them are underrated.

[Anonymous]

I actually agree with OP, but I wouldn’t say or even insinuate it to anyone I know IRL. Everyone is trying to do the best for their kids. Nobody wants to think that they’re doing it wrong, me included. So I keep those thoughts to myself. We’re all trying hard and everyone’s intentions are good.

[Anonymous]

They can't buy it but they can create it if they want to. Just don't make them do so many activties. Or if they want to pay for something, send them to a wilderness camp or an overseas volunteer experience.