Non-traditional holiday celebrations? Are we setting a bad example for our kids?

[Anonymous]

DH and I hate the holidays, in a traditional sense. We never have a “traditional” Thanksgiving. Every other year we visit my family, but since I’m an only child whose parents are estranged from their families, it’s a small dinner that’s not unlike any other dinner. When it’s just our nuclear family every other year, we do something super casual like Chinese food and watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

At Christmas, we visit extended family Christmas Eve, and on Christmas, either ILs come over for another dinner that isn’t much different from any other dinner, or it’s just the four of us and we make tons of finger food and watch movies.

We don’t have big families. It’s like we don’t know how to celebrate holidays properly. But at the same time, we hate the big to-do that surrounds celebrating holidays, so US (the adults) are just fine with it. But are we ruining things for our children in the future? Will the be ambivalent about holidays, too?

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom and an immigrant and sometimes we visit family with a more traditional setup but sometimes we don’t.
I don’t care; my son can figure out how to do holidays when he grows up. One favor I can do him is not expecting him and his family to visit me or host me. So yeah.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do have traditions, they just aren't as typical as others. When your kids grow up, they will be fully able to continue what they experienced with you and/or forge their own traditions. Carry on guilt free.

[Anonymous]

My parents immigrated here and we had no nearby relatives. Holidays were always just our immediate family-and it was great. I still like it as an adult. My parents are so easy about holidays now-if we visit, great. If we don’t, they’ll see us another time. It makes everything so much easier.

[Anonymous]

Nope, that's how we do it - usually asian food and family time. Its special to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a single mom and an immigrant and sometimes we visit family with a more traditional setup but sometimes we don’t.
I don’t care; my son can figure out how to do holidays when he grows up. One favor I can do him is not expecting him and his family to visit me or host me. So yeah.

This is a great perspective - your son is fortunate to have a thoughtful mom like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I hate the holidays, in a traditional sense. We never have a “traditional” Thanksgiving. Every other year we visit my family, but since I’m an only child whose parents are estranged from their families, it’s a small dinner that’s not unlike any other dinner. When it’s just our nuclear family every other year, we do something super casual like Chinese food and watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

At Christmas, we visit extended family Christmas Eve, and on Christmas, either ILs come over for another dinner that isn’t much different from any other dinner, or it’s just the four of us and we make tons of finger food and watch movies.

We don’t have big families. It’s like we don’t know how to celebrate holidays properly. But at the same time, we hate the big to-do that surrounds celebrating holidays, so US (the adults) are just fine with it. But are we ruining things for our children in the future? Will the be ambivalent about holidays, too?

They may go the opposite route and gravitate toward partners whose families made a big deal over the holidays and end up preferring to spend the holidays with their in-laws over you in their adulthood, but as long as you’re prepared for that it’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a single mom and an immigrant and sometimes we visit family with a more traditional setup but sometimes we don’t.
I don’t care; my son can figure out how to do holidays when he grows up. One favor I can do him is not expecting him and his family to visit me or host me. So yeah.

His future wife will appreciate the blank slate so she can carry on her traditions and her family will get every holiday. Good for her, I guess.

[Anonymous]

We travel somewhere fun each year. No turkey or other traditional like fixings. To each their own! Enjoy your family time OP.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with huge, traditional holiday celebrations in the Midwest. I had to move far away to find work and married an immigrant who grew up celebrating quite differently. I tried to make holidays happen the way I remembered them but it always felt disappointing, especially because so much of my family is dead.

We’ve redone our holidays with a non-traditional Thanksgiving menu, Christmas Day at a friend’s house, and an emphasis on a later holiday that I didn’t even grow up celebrating. It’s not the storybook/movie Christmas I grew up with but it’s better for me to feel a little bit off than for my kids to try to bend themselves to fit into a pretty narrow version of celebrating. My kids would never feel like those Christmases fully fit them anyway because they aren’t white European kids in a 1940s greeting card illustration, and acknowledging that helped me embrace new traditions (much to my mother’s chagrin).

My kids’ future spouses will probably appreciate some of the menu alterations we’ve embraced and may be relieved that they don’t have to visit a million different houses over the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about it. Do what works for you. Maybe your kids will grow up to love doing these things. Or maybe they'll grow up to throw a big Thanksgiving or Christmas celebration because they decide that's what they want. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

NP. You aren’t setting a bad example provided you are comfortable in what you are doing and aren’t denigrating others. It’s totally fine to have a mellow tradition of movies and Chinese food or a limited visit with in-laws. The holidays can be done successfully in many different ways, some quieter than others.

What you do need to watch out for is telegraphing your “hate” for the holidays and possible derogation of people who do enjoy them. “Hate” is a pretty strong word to use for something that many people find deeply meaningful. I can’t tell from your OP whether you actually hate the existence of the holidays and look down on people who celebrate, or if that was just a shorthand for saying you don’t tend to have big celebrations. It’s okay to not have big celebrations, it’s okay to just celebrate quietly with family or not celebrate at all, but it’s not okay to hold yourself out as better for that decision. I can’t tell exactly where you fall on that spectrum from your OP and don’t want to assume anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry about it. Do what works for you. Maybe your kids will grow up to love doing these things. Or maybe they'll grow up to throw a big Thanksgiving or Christmas celebration because they decide that's what they want. Whatever.

+1 My family goes all out for Christmas but only in our very specific ways. The “normal” US Christmas traditions that I learned about as an adult? I’m still not interested to be honest. I don’t see the point. OP’s kids will pick and choose what traditions they want to embrace as they grow up — maybe they’ll find some they like or maybe they’ll just spend thanksgiving week texting each other from work going “omg everyone is complaining about having to do all these thanksgiving things AGAIN. Aren’t you glad mom and dad are low key and our Thanksgivings are nice and restful?!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single mom and an immigrant and sometimes we visit family with a more traditional setup but sometimes we don’t.
I don’t care; my son can figure out how to do holidays when he grows up. One favor I can do him is not expecting him and his family to visit me or host me. So yeah.

His future wife will appreciate the blank slate so she can carry on her traditions and her family will get every holiday. Good for her, I guess.

It’s truly fine with me! I can spend time with my son outside of holidays.
Heck, I’ll probably be retired and have a ton of flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single mom and an immigrant and sometimes we visit family with a more traditional setup but sometimes we don’t.
I don’t care; my son can figure out how to do holidays when he grows up. One favor I can do him is not expecting him and his family to visit me or host me. So yeah.

This is a great perspective - your son is fortunate to have a thoughtful mom like you.

Thank you! Happy Thanksgiving!