Non-traditional holiday celebrations? Are we setting a bad example for our kids?

[Anonymous]

Why do you hate holidays? You have creative liberty here. What don't you like about the things you currently do?

It's the spirit that counts, OP.

We are foreigners, and our families are abroad. We've spent many a holiday just the 4 of us.

We don't like turkey, but I LOVE Thanksgiving. Our country doesn't have this celebration. We celebrate it every year, either at friends' houses with the traditional fare, or just our nuclear family, with duck, wild rice an veggies and definitely not turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes or pumpkin pie!

We celebrate Christmas and our favorite tradition is a new one we picked up in this country: cutting our own tree. There are no Christmas tree farms where we're from, even though it's a very Catholic country and the climate would allow it. So we love to drive into the country, pick a likely-looking plump fir, and bring it home, without trimming it. It looks like a ball of pine needles, and we think that's funny. We eat Beef Wellington, listen to carols and eat all sorts of (traditional this time) yummy holiday fare.

You only have one life and you need to enjoy it!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry about it. Do what works for you. Maybe your kids will grow up to love doing these things. Or maybe they'll grow up to throw a big Thanksgiving or Christmas celebration because they decide that's what they want. Whatever.

+1 My family goes all out for Christmas but only in our very specific ways. The “normal” US Christmas traditions that I learned about as an adult? I’m still not interested to be honest. I don’t see the point. OP’s kids will pick and choose what traditions they want to embrace as they grow up — maybe they’ll find some they like or maybe they’ll just spend thanksgiving week texting each other from work going “omg everyone is complaining about having to do all these thanksgiving things AGAIN. Aren’t you glad mom and dad are low key and our Thanksgivings are nice and restful?!”

My mother had a tree and a decorator come to decorate it and our house and then buy me a fancy, stiff and uncomfortable dress and parade me around church to her friends at Christmas. Then she'd leave me home with the housekeeper while she flew off somewhere. I now don't do a tree and my kids don't have to dress up, but we get them matching pjs and all spend the holidays together. I give them what I missed when I was little. I'm sure when they're adults they'll do things differently and do whatever they wish we had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you do have traditions, they just aren't as typical as others. When your kids grow up, they will be fully able to continue what they experienced with you and/or forge their own traditions. Carry on guilt free.

This is a wonderful response, PP said it better and more succinctly than I could. Enjoy your family time the way that works best for you!

[Anonymous]

Growing up, we had traditional food, though a bit more elaborate than your typical spread (South Indian vegetarian, so bisibele, puri/sabzi, chitranna or tamarind peanut rice. Etc), and apple pie a la mode. Maybe cousins would come, and my brother and dad and whoever else was into it would watch football or play flag football. The only thing i yearn for now that my parents are gone is the togetherness… and warm apple pie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single mom and an immigrant and sometimes we visit family with a more traditional setup but sometimes we don’t.
I don’t care; my son can figure out how to do holidays when he grows up. One favor I can do him is not expecting him and his family to visit me or host me. So yeah.

His future wife will appreciate the blank slate so she can carry on her traditions and her family will get every holiday. Good for her, I guess.

It’s truly fine with me! I can spend time with my son outside of holidays.
Heck, I’ll probably be retired and have a ton of flexibility.

Yeah, my in-laws are like this. Holidays aren't important, birthdays aren't important, there isn't much that is important to them and every day is like the day before. So, we rarely see them because we like to celebrate milestones, observe holidays, spend time with family, so we are mostly with my family. They miss out on so much, but I guess that's ok with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I hate the holidays, in a traditional sense. We never have a “traditional” Thanksgiving. Every other year we visit my family, but since I’m an only child whose parents are estranged from their families, it’s a small dinner that’s not unlike any other dinner. When it’s just our nuclear family every other year, we do something super casual like Chinese food and watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

At Christmas, we visit extended family Christmas Eve, and on Christmas, either ILs come over for another dinner that isn’t much different from any other dinner, or it’s just the four of us and we make tons of finger food and watch movies.

We don’t have big families. It’s like we don’t know how to celebrate holidays properly. But at the same time, we hate the big to-do that surrounds celebrating holidays, so US (the adults) are just fine with it. But are we ruining things for our children in the future? Will the be ambivalent about holidays, too?

They may go the opposite route and gravitate toward partners whose families made a big deal over the holidays and end up preferring to spend the holidays with their in-laws over you in their adulthood, but as long as you’re prepared for that it’s fine.

Or their partners may prefer the simplicity over the manic celebrations bringing the women of the family to the verge of a breakdown. So, keep decorating while swallowing your antidepressants and hoping your kids appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry about it. Do what works for you. Maybe your kids will grow up to love doing these things. Or maybe they'll grow up to throw a big Thanksgiving or Christmas celebration because they decide that's what they want. Whatever.

+1 My family goes all out for Christmas but only in our very specific ways. The “normal” US Christmas traditions that I learned about as an adult? I’m still not interested to be honest. I don’t see the point. OP’s kids will pick and choose what traditions they want to embrace as they grow up — maybe they’ll find some they like or maybe they’ll just spend thanksgiving week texting each other from work going “omg everyone is complaining about having to do all these thanksgiving things AGAIN. Aren’t you glad mom and dad are low key and our Thanksgivings are nice and restful?!”

My mother had a tree and a decorator come to decorate it and our house and then buy me a fancy, stiff and uncomfortable dress and parade me around church to her friends at Christmas. Then she'd leave me home with the housekeeper while she flew off somewhere. I now don't do a tree and my kids don't have to dress up, but we get them matching pjs and all spend the holidays together. I give them what I missed when I was little. I'm sure when they're adults they'll do things differently and do whatever they wish we had.

Lorelai and Emily Gilmore?

[Anonymous]

Traditions don't have to be elaborate. My kids favorite traditions are silly ones that I never expected to become a "thing." Enjoy your finger foods and movies and take out. Your traditions don't have to look like other people's.

[Anonymous]

This may be a hot take but I find Thanksgiving these days as dumb as Mother’s Day. We do not need one day to be thankful and spend time with our family - we should do it all the time! (When we can take off from work). All of the stress, negotiation, guilt, blame, acrimony is so unnecessary.

We tend to visit family in the summer because the weather is nice and we and the kids can take 1-2 weeks off to have a nice long visit. On Thanksgiving we are just as likely to go on a local hike and picnic as we are to cook a big dinner (with everything but turkey).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I hate the holidays, in a traditional sense. We never have a “traditional” Thanksgiving. Every other year we visit my family, but since I’m an only child whose parents are estranged from their families, it’s a small dinner that’s not unlike any other dinner. When it’s just our nuclear family every other year, we do something super casual like Chinese food and watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

At Christmas, we visit extended family Christmas Eve, and on Christmas, either ILs come over for another dinner that isn’t much different from any other dinner, or it’s just the four of us and we make tons of finger food and watch movies.

We don’t have big families. It’s like we don’t know how to celebrate holidays properly. But at the same time, we hate the big to-do that surrounds celebrating holidays, so US (the adults) are just fine with it. But are we ruining things for our children in the future? Will the be ambivalent about holidays, too?

They may go the opposite route and gravitate toward partners whose families made a big deal over the holidays and end up preferring to spend the holidays with their in-laws over you in their adulthood, but as long as you’re prepared for that it’s fine.

Or their partners may prefer the simplicity over the manic celebrations bringing the women of the family to the verge of a breakdown. So, keep decorating while swallowing your antidepressants and hoping your kids appreciate it.

You have quite a vivid imagination. Most people are somewhere in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single mom and an immigrant and sometimes we visit family with a more traditional setup but sometimes we don’t.
I don’t care; my son can figure out how to do holidays when he grows up. One favor I can do him is not expecting him and his family to visit me or host me. So yeah.

His future wife will appreciate the blank slate so she can carry on her traditions and her family will get every holiday. Good for her, I guess.

It’s truly fine with me! I can spend time with my son outside of holidays.
Heck, I’ll probably be retired and have a ton of flexibility.

Yeah, my in-laws are like this. Holidays aren't important, birthdays aren't important, there isn't much that is important to them and every day is like the day before. So, we rarely see them because we like to celebrate milestones, observe holidays, spend time with family, so we are mostly with my family. They miss out on so much, but I guess that's ok with them.

+1. I hate to say this OP, but I think when your kids get older you’re going to regret this lack of effort.