Dividing people I date into categories

[Anonymous]

I am divorced and have been dating for a few years. I find myself dividing people I date into categories that I didn't fully understand until I had been dating for a while.

1. No connection. I don't see them again. I don't think anybody would think this is a mistake.

2. They are attractive but I feel no real connection to them. When I first meet them I might think I would be willing to sleep with them but it never actually happens. I guess I'm not that kind of person. I don't think anybody would think this is a mistake, either.

3. Strong friend connection, but little or no physical attraction on my part. I will become friends with these people and end up hurting some of them when they become more interested in me. I become friends with them but don't sleep with them, which is fine with most of them but makes some of them really sad. Maybe I shouldn't do this.

4. Strong friend connection, fun to spend time with, and some real physical attraction. I can easily end up sleeping with these. Usually these are pretty casual relationships. They're usually more serious than simple friend with benefits situations but they don't involve true love or a meet-the-family level of intensity. Lately I've been doing this less because they seem to get very attached and they get hurt when things don't blossom into a very serious relationship.

5. Really intense emotional connection, moderate physical attraction on my part. I generally don't sleep with these. Ironically, I probably would sleep with them if I felt less of an emotional connection with them. Realizing this has made me wonder if I'm doing something wrong. It's like they are too good to sleep with but also not good enough to sleep with, both at the same time. I know I sometimes cause them some pain when they feel rejected.

6. Really intense emotional connection, plenty of physical attraction on my part. I would like to be in an exclusive long term relationship with one of these people, but I almost never actually meet someone like this. When I do, they seem not to be that into me for some reason. Maybe they have commitment issues. Maybe they lack enough physical attraction to me. Maybe I fall into their Category 5. This is painful because the other person is usually sleeping with someone else in a more casual relationship. I feel bad when they don't sleep with me. I feel bad when they sleep with me but then stop or sleep with someone else too.

So I'm still single.

[Anonymous]

Spend time with your 4s but don’t sleep with them. See who moves from 4 to 5 and 6. Find out if they’re as loyal as you, and stick with them.

[Anonymous]

Sounds exhausting.
I just think: "Do I see myself living for years with this person?"
I don't think: "Hmm, maybe there's someone better. Let me keep looking forever."

This is why you're still single.

[Anonymous]

It does sound exhausting.

So does living with someone again. No thanks.

-Guy

[Anonymous]

Talk to a therapist about #5. That’s the sweet spot.

[Anonymous]

Good grief, you are way over thinking dating. No wonder you are single.

[Anonymous]

I had two categories- yes or no. Pretty self explanatory.

[Anonymous]

So do most people think Category 5 is the "sweet spot" or Category 6 is the "sweet spot"? Does the answer depend on why some people fall into one or the other? Could it be that Category 6 is just people who would be Category 5 but are a little less available or are harder to get?

[Anonymous]

Posts like this are the reason I am extra nice to my wife, do housework, and hope to never date again.

[Anonymous]

Maybe YOU have the commitment issue. Category 5 is too close for comfort. It’s real. I wonder if they started manifesting the behavior of those in category 6 (and pulled back) would you suddenly want more from them? Many people are drawn to those who are unavailable, or give them a challenge; perhaps that’s part of what draws you to category 6? The problem is that you are stuck in this pattern, and have not been able to move forward in a relationship.

OR - you just haven’t met the right person yet.

[Anonymous]

OP, your post is kind of an unusual perspective.

However the thing that really jumps out at me is that you define your relationships solely in terms of how you feel and indirectly by what it means to you and what you think you can get from it.

There is absolutely nothing said about what you can bring to the relationship or what the other person might have to gain from being in a relationship with you.

Also why are you wasting time dating people who you are not attracted to strongly both physically and emotionally?

What are you looking for?

I'm going to suggest you add a category

No.7: Guys who can put up with my extreme self involvement and unrealistic relationship expectations.

I bet you never ever met a single one who fits in No. 7.

[Anonymous]

^^but the fact that this is a distinct pattern that repeats itself again and again (with categories 5 and 6, not the prior ones), makes me wonder if the issue is with you.

[Anonymous]

Huh? What’s wrong with the 4s? You get along and are attracted to them but when they want to get serious you (??? Dump them I guess?) You clearly want to stay single. What are you even looking for?

[Anonymous]

Sleep with/Date #5 and #6 is a unicorn so stop waiting for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posts like this are the reason I am extra nice to my wife, do housework, and hope to never date again.

If you’re happily married then by all means maintain that.

But not all women are like OP.

Dating is better than the marriage I was in.