BIL's third wedding

[Anonymous]

I know attendance is not mandatory.

DH and BIL do not get along. They haven't for years. BIL's next wedding is planned for a date that dh already knows he is busy. Work related, not mandatory.

Would your dh further the divide by not attending?

[Anonymous]

No he wouldn’t.
No one went to my uncles fourth wedding, not his brothers nor own adult kids.

The rift is already there, I wouldn’t spend a second more thinking about it.

Know your truth.

[Anonymous]

And everyone should just be civil and kind should they encounter each other anywhere.

But no, I wouldn’t go to the wedding. You’re busy and you don’t get along. No need to be a puppet at the wedding.

Same for funerals btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And everyone should just be civil and kind should they encounter each other anywhere.

But no, I wouldn’t go to the wedding. You’re busy and you don’t get along. No need to be a puppet at the wedding.

Same for funerals btw.

+1

[Anonymous]

Having been in the predicament recently, I chose to send my congratulations for the new wife, more than for anyone else. I did not have her contact info, so I sent the email to BIL, addressed to both. In my mind, it's not her fault she's landing in this family, and I want to start off on the right foot, whatever other relatives are doing. My husband and I were actually not invited to their wedding, so we did not send a gift or attend. I did receive a nice email from BIL after I sent the congratulations, so I think he was grateful I wasn't part of his feud with his brother (which is entirely silly on both sides, BTW).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know attendance is not mandatory.

DH and BIL do not get along. They haven't for years. BIL's next wedding is planned for a date that dh already knows he is busy. Work related, not mandatory.

Would your dh further the divide by not attending?

We don't attend third weddings, so I guess that would solve it.

[Anonymous]

It depends upon why they don't get along, OP. For example, did your husband have sex with one of your BILs ex wives and was the cause of one of the prior divorces? In a case like that, I doubt he would even be invited so nothing to worry about.

The way you completely omitted the reason for them not getting along for years makes it sound like your husband is at least equally to blame for the rift.

Leaving out important details is sneaky

[Anonymous]

It would likely be a point of no return. So if your DH is ready to give up hope of repairing the relationship, then he can skip it. I do agree with PP that more details would help us give better answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends upon why they don't get along, OP. For example, did your husband have sex with one of your BILs ex wives and was the cause of one of the prior divorces? In a case like that, I doubt he would even be invited so nothing to worry about.

The way you completely omitted the reason for them not getting along for years makes it sound like your husband is at least equally to blame for the rift.

Leaving out important details is sneaky

They have never really gotten along. No affairs happened with ex wives or anything. They're just like oil and water. MIL encouraged rivalry between siblings, pitting them against each other. There's a third brother who doesn't get along with the one who is getting married either. He and DH get along from time to time.

As far as being cordial or whatever for the new wife, she's his worst choice yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends upon why they don't get along, OP. For example, did your husband have sex with one of your BILs ex wives and was the cause of one of the prior divorces? In a case like that, I doubt he would even be invited so nothing to worry about.

The way you completely omitted the reason for them not getting along for years makes it sound like your husband is at least equally to blame for the rift.

Leaving out important details is sneaky

They have never really gotten along. No affairs happened with ex wives or anything. They're just like oil and water. MIL encouraged rivalry between siblings, pitting them against each other. There's a third brother who doesn't get along with the one who is getting married either. He and DH get along from time to time.

As far as being cordial or whatever for the new wife, she's his worst choice yet.

Well that's not a very nice thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends upon why they don't get along, OP. For example, did your husband have sex with one of your BILs ex wives and was the cause of one of the prior divorces? In a case like that, I doubt he would even be invited so nothing to worry about.

The way you completely omitted the reason for them not getting along for years makes it sound like your husband is at least equally to blame for the rift.

Leaving out important details is sneaky

They have never really gotten along. No affairs happened with ex wives or anything. They're just like oil and water. MIL encouraged rivalry between siblings, pitting them against each other. There's a third brother who doesn't get along with the one who is getting married either. He and DH get along from time to time.

As far as being cordial or whatever for the new wife, she's his worst choice yet.

Well that's not a very nice thing to say.

A lot of the family is beyond platitudes. He went from the frying pan, to the fire, to an inferno.

I have a feeling DH will decide not to go. I'll support whatever decision he makes.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't want to attend, he shouldn't. But that doesn't mean everyone else can't attend.

[Anonymous]

I would ask him to attend. Even if that means nothing more than showing your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't want to attend, he shouldn't. But that doesn't mean everyone else can't attend.

Where did you read into it that the dh's decision should have anything to do with anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends upon why they don't get along, OP. For example, did your husband have sex with one of your BILs ex wives and was the cause of one of the prior divorces? In a case like that, I doubt he would even be invited so nothing to worry about.

The way you completely omitted the reason for them not getting along for years makes it sound like your husband is at least equally to blame for the rift.

Leaving out important details is sneaky

They have never really gotten along. No affairs happened with ex wives or anything. They're just like oil and water. MIL encouraged rivalry between siblings, pitting them against each other. There's a third brother who doesn't get along with the one who is getting married either. He and DH get along from time to time.

As far as being cordial or whatever for the new wife, she's his worst choice yet.

Well that's not a very nice thing to say.

Reality bites.
Lying to yourself bites too.
There are indeed poor choices and calling them out doesn’t mean anything.