How much should I push parents to move closer?

[Anonymous]

My parents live in Europe - I am an only child and we live in nyc. Parents have around $15m net worth. They are getting older and need a lot of help but refuse to consider moving and say nyc is too expensive and have no interest in not being in nice apt on upper east side. I have no idea what to do about this. I have a full time very intense job and two elementary kids. Any tips?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there’s much you can do about that unless you have guardianship over them.

[Anonymous]

When did they move to Europe?

[Anonymous]

If they have that kind of money that means they are able to hire all the help they need so you don't need to plan to become a caretaker and would only need to travel simply to spend time.

Usually people have parents live closer because they have a large role as caretaker or financial or medical decision-maker. As long as you and parents are clear that isn't on you, then the practical need for them to be closer is less.

[Anonymous]

How old are they? Unless they are in their 80's or diagnosed with a debilitating disease I would not worry about it and focus on your kids.

It may be cheaper for them to hire help in the European country than in NYC. Currently I'm paying $31 per hour for caregivers in rural Maryland. If they have 15 million dollars they can hire European caregivers where they are at.

[Anonymous]

Find a middle way, you change job and all of you move to a big house in a pretty affordable town with an idyllic rhythm. It would be good for everyone, you, them and kids.

[Anonymous]

If they're older and need a lot of help, pushing them to move probably won't help them. It may be too difficult for them to coordinate a move. They get to choose where they live, not you. Uprooting them to a new place with no friends/relatives/familiar places may negatively impact their health.

Since they have enough money, keeping them in place with lots of help is the best answer for their health and well-being (although tougher for you). It doesn't sound like they have anything to gain by moving.

Don't push them or you risk damaging your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did they move to Europe?

I'm not certain they moved to Europe. I'm thinking OP moved to the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When did they move to Europe?

I'm not certain they moved to Europe. I'm thinking OP moved to the US.

Then she had to have known this situation would come up eventually.
-not the pp you quoted

[Anonymous]

There is not much you can do. And tbf, their health care and aging in place options may be better there.

I sympathize because mine are in California and I'm in the DMV. They could easily afford to move here but dont want to leave their home and local relatives, which is understandable. I could be happy living there but the job and housing logistics don't work plus my ILs are here.
Everybody's sad that we don't see more of each other. I try to visit more often by myself (without kids, to save $). Elder care is a looming concern but they insist they'll muddle through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents live in Europe - I am an only child and we live in nyc. Parents have around $15m net worth. They are getting older and need a lot of help but refuse to consider moving and say nyc is too expensive and have no interest in not being in nice apt on upper east side. I have no idea what to do about this. I have a full time very intense job and two elementary kids. Any tips?

ughh selfish boomers amirite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is not much you can do. And tbf, their health care and aging in place options may be better there.

I sympathize because mine are in California and I'm in the DMV. They could easily afford to move here but dont want to leave their home and local relatives, which is understandable. I could be happy living there but the job and housing logistics don't work plus my ILs are here.
Everybody's sad that we don't see more of each other. I try to visit more often by myself (without kids, to save $). Elder care is a looming concern but they insist they'll muddle through.

Keep in mind that if they move away from their existing friends and community to be near you, you become responsible for their social lives, helping them find doctors, etc. It's hard to start over when you're older, so it's going to be your job to manage that. If they don't really need the help, consider whether it's worth that tradeoff

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't say that I disagree with your parents. How would your parents cover health expenses in the US? Would they have to pay out of pocket since they wouldn't be eligible for medicare? What about nursing care or assistance? Do you know what that will run in NYC? They would want a "nice" apartment in the UES? Between housing, medical, and nursing, that $15 million may not go as far as you seem to think. They are much better off staying in their country and paying for care there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't say that I disagree with your parents. How would your parents cover health expenses in the US? Would they have to pay out of pocket since they wouldn't be eligible for medicare? What about nursing care or assistance? Do you know what that will run in NYC? They would want a "nice" apartment in the UES? Between housing, medical, and nursing, that $15 million may not go as far as you seem to think. They are much better off staying in their country and paying for care there.

Is this for real? How is $15M not enough for 2 people for a maximum of 2 decades? They could buy an apartment for $3.5-$4M cash and still fund medical care out-of-pocket and living expenses without any problem. Yes, it would cost a lot, but they have more than enough money to make it work.

They’re just telling you that they don’t and won’t make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is not much you can do. And tbf, their health care and aging in place options may be better there.

I sympathize because mine are in California and I'm in the DMV. They could easily afford to move here but dont want to leave their home and local relatives, which is understandable. I could be happy living there but the job and housing logistics don't work plus my ILs are here.
Everybody's sad that we don't see more of each other. I try to visit more often by myself (without kids, to save $). Elder care is a looming concern but they insist they'll muddle through.

Keep in mind that if they move away from their existing friends and community to be near you, you become responsible for their social lives, helping them find doctors, etc. It's hard to start over when you're older, so it's going to be your job to manage that. If they don't really need the help, consider whether it's worth that tradeoff

This is true, but in our experience, if they age poorly, especially if they become mean, their friends will fade off. That said, OP I would convince them to hire a social worker or other professional to manage care-check on them, assess and coordinate contractors as needed and report to you. I would make sure they understand you limits of what you can do from the US and how often you can travel and that may change with your own life stressors. Down the line, when one has passed, you need to make sure you have a plan for if the other ends up in hospital. If emergencies start happening often you can't just fly in from the US. Might want to see what their plan is as morbid as it is.